AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

To be honest I don't even know what this 'committed' relationship shit is about.

To my mind, it's very simple : a MAN in a fwb, fuck buddy arrangement has NO romantic or emotional attraction to a woman.

A relationship involves a man having those things, and having a willingness to go public.

I've been in a few of the latter.
Doesn't mean that they were committed for life! Just that we were just boyfriend and girlfriend seeing how it went who had a strong romantic link.

Women use the words like committed and men go along with it because they don't want to face the fact that these men are effectively using them without giving a shit about their feelings.

As if a true male friend would exploit another person like this.

Some women do accept that and good for them but the mental gymnastics required for some women is too much so they convince themselves they're a couple without the fabled commitment.

It's bullshit.

I don't believe they literally had sex without a few friendly words afterwards.

Sometimes I think people are a bit obtuse on here.

There is a massive spectrum from marriage through a committed relationship through a close friends with benefits to literal fuck buddies (maybe even without the buddies bit in OP’s case).

All OP said is that she is after is the odd text saying ‘thanks for a nice time’ or equivalent. Just the acknowledgment that they are both people and had a good time together: not friendship or more.

No, she is not being ‘used’ ,as it was always about the sex, and she enjoyed that part. But even sex has manners around it. Staying for a chat afterwards and sending a ‘hey, thanks, that was great, let’s do it again soon’ text doesn’t make it a committed relationship!

I don’t understand why she would expect friendship given they both spoken extensively about what they wanted from the arrangement.

So he lied OP?

Why would you think the connection would carry on - given you say the pair of you had spoken loads of time to be clear about what you both wanted?!

But you say that the two of you spoke “a lot” and multiple times before you even met and during that first “date” to be very very clear about what you both wanted.

Are you saying he misled you? Or you misled him?

They have a brief chat before jumping into bed.

What else has to be said afterwards?

It's fucking. Not lovemaking.

I might sound 100 years old now but surely that’s just rude?! 🤣 Yes fine to hit it and quit it if that’s the agreement between both adults, but can’t they exchange a few words before and after?! I’m sure that even in casual arrangements there’s people who are nicer and people who are not as nice. I’m not talking about having a full three course dinner before or watching a three hour movie, just literally exchange a couple sentences 🤣🤣🤣

Everyone seems to be being quite mean to the OP, lecturing her on what's a friendship, what she should have known and so on, but I don't think she's done anything wrong, she did want a more casual arrangement but to fundamentally get on with someone, met, chatted, had sex, but the friendship side isn't growing, it's very transactional. It could have gone in a different direction and they would be hanging out together more as friends, but it didn't.

OP, this isn't for you, and it's fine that you tried it. No-one can predict how these things will go- there are people on here who met for a FWB situation and ended up getting married!

You live and learn, you were sensible to question this and ask if you were missing something, the main lesson here is to trust your own instinct- if something isn't right for you, just don't carry on with it. It's fine to assert your own boundaries.

Absolutely. This is the healthiest way to view casual sex.

I wasn't looking for company. It was sex. I wanted their bodies, not their hearts.

I don't understand how the OP feels she was used 🤷🏼‍♀️.

This is exactly my stance.

He met the OP for the first 'date' to build a connection, then used what was on offer.

Do you honestly think he really cared?

You're very naive.

Yeah, but the thing is, he DID make the effort to connect with you BEFORE you had sex, which is what you said you needed.
He also made it very clear what he was about: CASUAL. SEX.
So, you weren't lured; you're not a passive victim in this. You're mismatched. End of.
HTH.

Casual sex for me in the past was exactly this: Casual. Sex.
I wasn't interested in social nineties after the event and the only reason we got in touch was to arrange a where and when.
That's not for everyone, which is cool; OP can find another set up better suited to her needs AND boundaries.

Yes, I agree.

I don't understand what the OP is struggling with. Casual sex was discussed, and that's exactly what they had.

With the casual sex I used to have, I certainly didn't want them messaging me afterwards. It was sex, not an emotional entanglement.

Don't embark on casual adventures if you cannot handle the outcome.

Why are you 'blaming' him at all? 😅 He was clear about wanting casual sex.
It's what you're getting. Casual sex. A fuck. A hook up.
You want something different? Don't fuck him again, if it's not working for you.

Unclear how to vote, but basically YANBU not to enjoy this chilly, sexual arrangement.

Clearly, the OP was expecting friendship after the initial meeting.

They both knew what they were embarking on.

I call it "Fuck and leave".

Thats not friends with benefits, its casual sex. Its not for me either, although I have happily had FWB situations before, I wouldnt enjoy sex with no friendship around it. Personally I need the conversation and closeness before and after. And I would still be happy with no contact in between and take no real interest in their life generally. But not some grinder type situation where you meet meet fuck and leave. To me that a bit icky, what you want is out there, this just isnt it.

Just putting it out there, but it might be possible for someone with ill-intent to pretend to be all nice during the public meeting and then go all weird and abusive the minute they’re in private. Almost like they’re manipulative, or something.

Why would meeting someone in public show that they weren't a lunatic. Give me strength. You don't know someone after 4 meet ups to know anything about them. My mum married someone who didn't smack her until their honeymoon. People can hide who they really are for a long time. Christ! You think that rapists aren't rapists if you meet them in the pub first? I got raped by an ex that I had known for 3 years before I started dating him.

Surely the OP did the sensible thing and had the first meet in a public place so that they could see each other in safety. It would be incredibly risky just to invite a man over for sex without doing this. Perfect opportunity for rapists, nutcases or even serial killers if you just invite someone over without meeting them in public first!

You’re mis-matched.
If it was me, I would end it.