The mum thinks I'm being petty, but I don't want to drive her kid

As it's been a year since this incident, I would give the child one more chance. Just one.

Stick to your guns! It's about time they learned their behaviour (both mum and youngest) is totally unacceptable.

No, stand by your decision.

You are spot on and the age difference is much smaller than 7 years.
Being expected to repeatedly be the bigger person damages your self esteem.

@AvacadoChic You did the right thing standing up for the older daughter.

I would consider saying to the Mum I will give the 7 year old a second chance on condition that a) she apologises to me for not doing as she was told b) any repeat behaviour towards her sister or me will see a permanent ban on taking her anywhere.

The mother sounds like an awful person, no wonder the child is a brat.

Isn’t it strange. When I see them, if Belle is there, then the mother will still say something about something Belle couldn’t do properly, and always try to say something positive but honestly, I just think Belle will be NC one day and her mam will be shocked as to why!

is the “friend” your sister in law, by any chance?

The mum can call you "petty" all she likes but it sounds like she's got nothing to bargain with since she can't do lifts herself.

I hate it when you say no to someone and rather than them trying to politely persuade you or ask what they could do to make it work, they try and insult you into backing down! I mean, it's hardly endearing. It just makes me dig my heels in with the "no".

Whereas if she had come to me and said I know you said no more lifts but what if Molly says she's sorry and promises she'll always behave in your car, it's been a year and she's much better now, would you please give us another chance - I might be better persuaded.

Or if she's not willing to put in the work to ensure her daughter isn't a pain to people doing her family a favour, then she needs to crack on and learn to drive. I honestly don't understand people who live places where they can't get around by walking and public transport and then whine for lifts from others.

The 14 yr old was given a punishment for the incident in the car, even though she had done nothing wrong. She was the one being humiliated and the parent choose to send her to her room just like the child that was being mean to her sister, rude to an adult and created a distraction while someone was driving. So yes, it very much does look like the older sisters quality of life and experiences are at the mercy of her sisters behaviour and antics

Why do you keep giving them lifts?! There's absolutely no reason two able-bodied adults cannot learn how to drive. They've simply built up a cheeky fuckery system of friends who give their children free rides so they can save money by not having a car.

Just make an excuse that you're driving your DD from a different location before the party. Problem solved.

I drive a lot and nip the freeloaders in the bud. It's easy to arrange your schedule so that you are genuinely someplace else before a party (in-laws, shopping, doctors) and you're obviously not lying. Also easy to make excuses to leave a party slightly early or drive to a different location so you can circumvent the CFs expecting a ride home.

Say no, maybe reconsider when brat is at secondary school and her older daughter is at college or university or a job.

I wouldn't when her behaviour is distracting and down right awful.
Them not having a car is their problem not yours.

Yes, this seems quite common with families who have a gap between their youngest and the next oldest. They start off with "You're 7 and he/she's only a baby", and so expect much more from the older one; but they never alter their mindset when the erstwhile baby is eventually 7 as well, and then older.

It's like you're assigned roles based on your ages, but those roles never change, however old you grow. You probably find that, when the siblings are 50 and 43, they're still treated as 'big responsible person, who is always held to account' and 'little one who can't be expected to know better, who is allowed to get away with anything'.

Shuttered Up - shut up

Bonkers to take the side of this piss-taking mum, whatever the 7yo is like. They don't 'deserve' anything from the OP. She has zero responsibilities for them. The 7yo's parents need to step up not only on parenting their 7yo properly but on having the absolute basics in place to get the kids where they need to be.

How long ago is it?

Never is a hard word.

Maybe giving the younger one a chance to behave would allow you to show to the older one, that you stand behind her?

If the younger one fails the attempt, you can double the time-out before another try and tell the mum that's what's happening.

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Or, you can decide that you don't want to and keep your no. There is no duty to take them.

It is the choice of 2 adults not to drive, their choice to have kids and their choice to sign them up to events that require driving to get there.

none of that is your problem

Ohh come on- this thread!! This is a 7 year old child.

OP you made your point. It sounds like it's been a while. A 7 year old deserves another chance.

Bonkers Replies on this thread

Is it a “lift share” though? If the other mum doesn’t drive, it sounds like @AvacadoChic Taxi Service. No free taxi for people who cannot follow adult instructions in the car. End of.

To add, I know a family with this dynamic. The 6 year old girl is AMAZING, can do no wrong. The 11 year old girl causes all the problems in the world, it’s like the mother doesn’t like her. Whenever I see them, it’s all “belle isn’t fitting into year 7 at all, she never finds her place”. “Belle can’t stick to any hobbies”. She just slags her off constantly. I don’t even ask about her, she just comes out with it!

Your car, your choice but maybe part of the child's problm is that nobody in her life before has set boundaries and stuck to them.
So for that reason I wouldn't take her. The mum can think what she likes of you. Peronally, after what she did in my hoe I'd have nothing to do with her again anyway.
The 14 yer old sounds like she could do with a nice treat...are you close enough to her to suggest a shopping trip to look at make up, clothes, etc and a non-alcoholic cocktail or some such. I was the eldest of four and my mum's friend used to do this for me - so lovely.

Is your friend going too or would it just be the children? I would agree to give a lift to the 7 year old if the mum is there too but make it very clear that if there is any misbehaviour you will kick them both out of the car.

I’m not excusing the behaviour of the 7 year old, but if this was a year ago then she was only 6 at the time and it’s not her fault she’s been brought up with no boundaries. A lifetime ban seems extreme and I don’t think it’s backing down to give another chance after this length of time. Obviously it would be a last chance situation though and only with mother present, any difficult behaviour and they’re both banned again.

It's your car, you are in charge of who goes in it.

Absolutely take the older one and you be very clear with the younger one that it is because you do not trust her to stick to your rule that in your car people are kind to each other and behave in ways that are safe.

Let her realise that she will miss out if she is mean when you are in charge. then perhaps next time as for her promise of kind behaviour as she will know you mean what you say. (Perhaps for this event, find some way to make being in your car a real treat so the little one really misses out even if mum sorts a lift with someone else.)

I absolutely despise adults - parents, teachers and others - who get annoyed at a situation and just punish all of the children involved, whether perpetrators, victims or on the sidelines. They might think that they've just found a lazy, effective way to diffuse the problem; but the falsely-blamed children never respect or really trust them, and they never forget either.

Some kids change A LOT in a year,so I would probably give it a go but with a 'reminder' first which her mum should deliver.

It's more common than we think,younger siblings being mean to their elder ones.I know cos I had the exact same thing with my own kids.4.5 years difference,eldest has some SN but more importantly,is just naturally a very sweet,calm character.Youngest is fiery and very sharp, very 'cute' but I had to come down very hard on him cos I won't tolerate bullying of any kind. He was 7 also.

It took a yearish to be 100%,was a nightmare but 3 years on they are now very close at 14 and 10,spend a lot of time together Still have the odd fallout but teen will now yell back so more fairly balanced.

I judge the mum for letting it go on,long awaited pregnancy or not.