The mum thinks I'm being petty, but I don't want to drive her kid

The mum needs to step up and learn to drive/get a car and be a proper parent. Amazed you’re still friends.

This - and I wouldn’t feel the least bit guilty about it.

its my experience that most people can be made to feel embarassed/upset about something if they are needled continuously and in the right way and never defended by the people who should.

If the other family don’t have a car to drive their spoilt brat around then they can get a taxi or a bus or a train!!!

You can't (probably) change their family dynamic (that's up to them), but you can stick to your guns, and I think you should 💪

@AvacadoChic
You're not being unreasonable
Stick completely to your guns
You're probably the only one they know of who does
Only hoping the older sister
When the time is right makes a complete break for it
And starts to live a happier life
Poor Thing

Could you report what you have witnessed to the school? They might offer counselling to the older sister or even get services in to offer support to the wider family if they think it’s necessary.

I actually don't think you should take the 7 year old, simply because she is likely to distract you from driving. I'd be telling the mother this too.

They don’t all. How is it news that girls develop at different rates? Plenty of adult women barely need a bra.

Your friend doesn't sound like someone I could stomach being around, if she's spoiling her younger daughter and failing the older one (by being unnecessarily strict, not treating her fairly, etc). I'd be tempted to back away from the whole family, because raising the issue with her is unlikely to go well.

FAFO. If the mum had done this kind of parenting, instead of what she probably thinks is gentle and permissive, her older daughter would be happier and her younger not an entitled, rude bully. A 7 year old bullying a 14 year old for wearing a bra? Refusing to be quiet when told to by an adult (you)?

Why is it your responsibility to drive her kids anywhere? If she can’t drive, she needs to make alternative plans as she would if you didn’t exist-you’re not her chauffeur.

I wouldn't be blaming the child for this anymore than I would be blaming a badly behaved dog. In either case I'd be blaming the person responsible for their upbringing. I think you can dislike a child's (or a dog's) behaviour without disliking the dog. I might even feel sorry for the child or the dog because of the upbringing they are getting.
None of which would mean that I would allow them in my car or my home. Because I am a nasty cow, I'd probably explain this to the parent or the dog owner. I mught go so far as to say that the other child or dog is still welcome because they are better behaved.

Tell the other to book a taxi……after all, that’s all she sees you as OP.

The 7yo sounds like a pain in the bum, but sibling mickey taking of other people's kids really isn't something you need to involve yourself in and after a year the 7yo is going to have no recollection whatsoever of the event you describe.

By refusing the lift all you're doing is potentially making life more difficult for the older child

I think you are right, OP.

It’s important for the 14-year old to see an outside adult having her back so she realises it isnt just her.

It’s also an important lesson for the mum and younger child to learn. The reality is if you want favours from people, you cant be unpleasant, or people wont want you around. They arent entitled to lifts.

It’s also unpleasant for your own children having this child around so you are saving them discomfort.

It sounds like this 7 year old has not been given the opportunity to learn to respect boundaries.
Can you tell the parents she has a chance to show she has been helped to understand how to respect other people’s boundaries (appropriate to her age). But, if there is another occurrence she’ll be banned again until she is helped to understand.
I’m suggesting it like this as it’s the parents’ responsibility to change and teach this child, rather than it magically happening age 7. Plus they need to teach her for the sake of the older daughter.

This. Stick to your guns. The mother still doesn’t get it. Hopefully the older DD will have noticed that you tried to stick up for her.

If you can’t cope with the stress of thinking this child may cause a crash, just express your fear and your decision plainly and own it.

The behaviour of the 7 year old was unacceptable and a year is a long time in the life of a child. But you say you her behaviour hasn’t improved. I also wonder whether you just don’t like her regardless of whether her behaviour might be dangerous in the car?

It’s healthy to learn that our bad behaviour or bad choices don’t fix us as being bad people. It sounds unreasonable and very black and white to think this child cannot or will not evolve.

If I decided to give a lift in these circumstances I would set some clear boundaries—eg, if they behave badly and don’t stop I will bring them back home / will have to stop the car for parent to collect / they will not get any more lifts for 6 months etc.

I think I'd take her if the mums going to be there in the car with her. I'd continue not to take her on my own, surely that's enough.

Good for you. In your position once I'd made it clear that having the 7 year old in my car wasn't an option I'd be sticking to my guns too. The mother not driving isn't your problem.

If you ever find yourself in a position where someone is being awful whilst you're driving then please find a safe place to pull over and deal with it.

Stopping might have sharpened the impact of being told to stop it.

But don't put yourself into a position where you have to deal with their poor parenting consequences again.

It would be unsafe to drive with her in the car.

sorry that's an auto typo.. i just meant to say unpleasant. not ugly.

Someon calling me petty about whom I bring in my car would be told to get lost.
CF.
The mother should be mortified but clearly isn't.
The child hasn't changed.

Your car, which YOU pay for.
That badly behaved child was a driving distraction.
No way would I be having in my car.