AIBU to suspect a colleague’s behaviour may relate to my nationality?

We haven't been asked

I'm guessing Russian

Unfortunately you can't prove your colleague is being racist. So why don't you have a clear the air chat and then you will get an idea of what's behind the behaviour. I see though you've assumed she shares her partner's views and other posters have done the same. That's not helpful to your situation at all but you proceed as you see fit.

Keep records as the first step.

Do you blame every person from the United States for Donald Trump? Or every British person for Brexit? Of course not.

No one should assume you support the current Argentinian regime or treat you differently at work because of your nationality.

I would agree with those views?
I mean as a foreigner who regularly hears ‘comments’ about my birth country, I know very well that
1- it’s not about me but usually about the speaker
2- I’m very happy to say ‘yes it’s rigut’ when the criticism is warranted
3- I don’t tend to take things personaLly. I’m not the government of my birth country, just like no Brit will agree to all the decisions taken by the British government

Try being South African back in the 90s.
My work colleague hooked on to Black Lives Matter during its hayday and after 19 years of working along side them, they turned on me, forensically went through my FB account and gleefully reported me to HR for a posting in Afrikaans and Xhosa which they could not translate because it was typically Pidgin chatter and decided I was racist.
I was found 100% blameless but had to go through a humiliating interview with HR.
I never returned to work. Took a redundancy package and left.
To this day I feel sick when thinking about it.
My heart goes out to you.
It's an awful position to be in.
But you sound highly sorted and well in control, so I would as PP have said, just keep proof.
But watch your back. I hope this all works out for you.
People can just be ghastly.....

Can you suggest a team email for projects, or reminder for her to add you to the distribution list?

Microaggressions are common in the workplace (and wider society) as I know after many years of experiencing them. Don’t bother to record and report to HR because nothing will ever be done. Keep your distance as much as possible from this colleague. Watch your back and beyond that try to pretend she doesn’t exist. Maintain your own standards and dignity. She’s not worthy of your headspace.

I’’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. It’s hurtful but I’m glad to have found a way of moving past it.

Also, I believe people create their own Karma: she’s undoubtedly a very unhappy woman.

It must be that OP. No one has a relationship with someone who publicly posts 'I hate Argentinians' unless they also hate Argentinians. Outside of abuse / they can't leave, but then if I was in that position I'd lock my social media down or come off it so I want associated.

Each one of those things you've referenced is tiny yes. But actually I don't think you'd look unhinged to take it further. Everyone makes mistakes and some people have admin weaknesses, but no one makes the same mistake constantly, but only against one specific person, innocently

I would keep a record and present back to her. Keep it really friendly and neutral 'you've sent this over late 13x now, you've missed me off 6 meetings, 2 xlient lunches etc. I realised I might not have clarified my role ans how this all works so I wanted to formally reiterate -

• anything with x requirements please copy me in when you send it to everyone else
• please invite me to all meetings about y. If I don't think I'm needed I'll decline etc etc

Follow up in writing and then keep referencing this every time.

Also I know she is well regarded but if you've been there longer is there anyone else you can speak to? You have said other people have noticed you're not there and added you on. This is good as shows they want you to be involved and are also noticing (although may not realise the reasons behind it, buy the 'oh so sorry I forgot again even though I don't forget anyone else') type thing. I'd have a word with a couple of people, again unless there is anyone you're particularly close to I'd say you've noticed that Janet has forgotten to send you stuff, thanks for forwarding it on in the past, its happened a few times so would they mind until you can make sure you're back on all her distribution lists that they forward you everything as a back up. I wonder if it would be worth speaking to someone informally about it as well so there is some evidence if she tries to screw you over that you had concerns.

Also this is important- does she ever 'like' or heart or comment on her partners posts? If she did I'd think that would breach the social media policy snd also provide evidence. I'm guessing not given how careful she is at work though

Hi LHF I got the complete opposite impression. I thought OP was here to check her suspicion because she wanted sense checking around any sensitivities she may have. She was clear she wasnt after advice about what to do about it (which we all gave her anyway 😆)

Ive been in a situation where there were micro incidents which in themselves meant nothing. However as a collection they added up to a subtle form of bullying. Leaving a colleague out of the loop, withholding information and so on are indeed forms of bullying. How is the colleague when you address her directly? Is her manner chilly whereas she chats with other workmates.

The advice to log the incidents is wise. Her behaviour is not only unacceptable on a personal level but she is preventing you from doing your job adequately.

It's quite obvious you're referring to immigration, so I don't know why you didn't just say that I your OP. You're more concentrated on proving your colleague is a racist than looking at how the work situation can be resolved, even though you've had plenty of practical advice.

I would probably go a slightly different way on the cc's as it can make it look like you are the problem. I would save all the emailed excuses then send her the occassional one with the list of things she has forgotten, (brief and factual w impact but not emotion) asking if she needs help and then you can call in the higher ups if it continues
A smart bigot will stop, a stupid one will hang themselves
If you involve the masses it will create a show for them, stirring is inevitable and you will not come off untarnished

This isn't really about your colleague's behaviour, is it?

The light pushback you are doing is exactly correct. Keep doing it.
There need to be consequences for her actions that deadlines are missed.
Again note them and cc the team.

Let others quietly notice that it always seems to be you.
ACAS could be a useful call.

They have a duty of care towards you and if there are dozens of emails from you alone highlighting these behaviours then their lack of care for you will be hard to defend when you bring it to their attention.

How regularly is this happening?
Weekly?

Cc widely when this happens is wise as it will definitely be noted if its a regular thing and only you.

There's a video on YouTube I believe, it's about a mosquito doing lots of tiny bites as a metaphor for the micro aggression experienced in racism. Show that to HR if there's any issues.
Are you in a union?

I can entire believe it.

I experienced micro aggressions from a colleague when I was part time after having had a child. It was so hard to prove it but it was a constant drip drip of small comments ,always highlighting when I wasn't available rather than when I was, making me a problem rather just we need to organise meetings when everyone can make it.

I had just got to the point of collating everything and starting to push back lightly eg as you aware Dave, I am.available these times. Happy for you to check my calendar to find a time that is good for you (on group emails after he kept trying to make me look bad) - when he got sacked for incompetence.

It's hard because sometimes other people don't believe you and they are generally careful never to do anything dramatic but I can totally relate and believe you.

I think light push back can work - and definitely collate evidence. Hope it all.works out.

It absolutely is racism. Even without the social media of her partner.
They'll do th usual thing of denying it because there's not one big event but it's loads of micro aggressions. Call it out straight away!