Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woman in underwear in own home

309 replies

Alee36 · 11/09/2026 23:35

I'm raging and need to know if I'm blowing this out of proportion.We live in a first floor maisonette, house conversion. We moved in a month and a bit ago and (granted) for two weeks we were without curtains or blinds. Our living room window is at the front of the house and we have a large bay, so the main section of the living area is quite set back from the window.

I have returned from a rare evening out to my husband relaying a conversation he had with the next door neighbour, who knocked on the door. For context we have not met this neighbour yet. Apparently the neighbour said they are having their guttering done at some point next week, and that they will do ours at the same time (lovely,thanks). He then went on to say that last time his contractor was here, he 'saw your partner walking around in her underwear'. This has really bothered me, and more so because my husband said he doesn't see the big deal. My feelings are these:

  1. It was a heatwave
  2. I was in my own home
  3. It would have been huge granny pants akin to shorts and a vest or crop top- you'd see more scantily clad people in the park or at the beach
  4. I wouldn't have been parading in front of the fucking window, but rather just living my life and walking through
  5. My husband frequently walked around in his pants in the heatwave, unsurprisingly this wasn't mentioned
  6. Call me old fashioned, but a gentleman would avert his gaze and crack on with his job?

Overall, why on earth has a contractor passed on this information to our neighbour and why has my neighbour thought it appropriate to then tell my husband? Isn't that weird? That me in my underwear at home is being discussed in a chain of men. Like wtf? If he was trying to be helpful he could have had some tact, and said oh by the way we can see in your windows or something along those lines. I just find it bizzare and inappropriate, and actually quite sexist. Woman in underwear in own home- alert the press. In other news, bikinis allowed on beaches and forks found in kitchen.

Also they are doing the guttering at 'some point next week', so am I to hide out all next week lest I offend with my pjs or whatever I want to wear in my own fucking home?!

AIBU?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Luvaplan · 16/09/2026 09:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Luvaplan · 16/09/2026 09:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Catza · 16/09/2026 09:11

Alee36 · 12/09/2026 00:49

Nothing missing from my OP, perhaps tone or intenion missing in my husband's retelling of the conversation but its irrelevant really.

Why would I need informing is my point, and I'm not disputing it's a fact, but rather why is it a fact worth mentioning? A contractor saw me in my underwear. Okay, and? Why on earth are you telling my husband this weeks later, and who gives a shit. I think its odd. If he was trying to be helpful he could have said 'just a heads up, contractors will be here next week in case you might feel overlooked, not 'contractor said your partner was walking around in her underwear'.

Show quote history

You are having a very strange reaction to this. You believe that you are entitled to do whatever you want in your house, which means the comment should be of absolutely no relevance.
I walk around in my underwear and have no curtains. I assume some neighbours and contractors can see that, I give absolutely no thought to it. If a neigbour mentioned it to me, I'd just thank them and shrug it off.
But most people would want to alert you because they assume that everyone is terribly precious about others looking into their properties. Which is a reasonable assumption to make because many people are.
It's a complete non-issue. Nobody judged you, nobody suggested you cover up.

Luvaplan · 16/09/2026 08:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Lanternlit · 15/09/2026 20:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Annoyedbyhusband · 15/09/2026 19:38

Alee36 · 15/09/2026 17:26

That's more than fair that you'd want to know, so this would have been helpful for you, and welcomed and that's valid.

Interested to know though, why the alternative to telling my husband that I'd been seen in my underwear is “creepily spying” on me. There's a fairly obvious third option: accidentally see somebody, avert your eyes and carry on with your day!

He may have been well intended for sure.

Show quote history

Another alternative is that the contractor said something about it that the neighbour was uncomfortable with, in a more creepy or degrading way and the neighbour felt compelled to tell your husband to make sure you were aware that someone can see and give you the heads up. In fact this does sound more plausible now I’ve thought about it. But you’ll probably never know for sure.

SandyHappyPerson · 15/09/2026 19:14

That said, I find the mums/wives/girlfriends/sisters/daughters comparison a slightly odd way of looking at it.

Why is that odd? Most people see the world around them through a lens of their own life experience, you only have to see the biased answers on here to certain subjects to know that it's a thing.

But for instance.. a lot of women I know would be mortified if they were chilling in their own home in their pants on the assumption they were in a private space, and a workman suddenly arrived who could see them, they would absolutely like to know in advance if it was going to happen again so they could make a decision on whether to take extra precautions to protect their own privacy when the workman was around.

Based on that I would assume you may feel the same, and if I knew it was something that could happen, I would warn you just in case you did feel that way.

Or maybe the neighbour got the impression that the contractor enjoyed getting a sneak peek.. again, I wouldn't make a thing of it, but I would absolutely tell you he had seen you to make sure you could protect your privacy if you wanted to.

The only time I wouldn't say anything is if I just didn't give a single shit who saw what and when and if anyone may be upset by it.. so IMO he is being neighbourly.

Obviously if you are genuinely not fussed about privacy that's entirely up to you, but I really can't see how has done anything wrong by just passing on the information he has been made aware of, via your husband (seeing as you weren't in).

nomas · 15/09/2026 18:09

Alee36 · 15/09/2026 18:05

I don't even know who us and them are! People are specifically categorising themselves, then, becoming incensed about it!

Show quote history

It's the usual tactic to make an OP feel like they're alone / in the minority.

Original poster
Alee36 · 15/09/2026 18:05

nomas · 15/09/2026 18:01

Ugh, hate the 'us vs you' stuff.

Show quote history

I don't even know who us and them are! People are specifically categorising themselves, then, becoming incensed about it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Alee36 · 15/09/2026 18:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

You seem far more invested in whether I'm enjoying this than I am in the actual thread. Perhaps you can tell me how I'm feeling when you've finished monitoring it 😂

OP posts:
nomas · 15/09/2026 18:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Ugh, hate the 'us vs you' stuff.

Chooseasport · 15/09/2026 18:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Chooseasport · 15/09/2026 17:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Alee36 · 15/09/2026 17:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I haven't said, or even implied, that anyone is “too thick to grasp” my point. I said I'm amazed by the number of people who don't seem to understand the distinction I'm making. Those aren't the same statement, disagreement doesn't make somebody thick, and misunderstanding somebody's point doesn't make them thick either.

I'm also not particularly obliged to produce a bespoke one-sentence summary for you 😂. My OP explained what happened and why I found it odd, and I've clarified it repeatedly since. I'm sure you're perfectly capable of reading it.

But since you've asked, here you go:

I have no issue whatsoever with being told that contractors could see into my ordinarily unoverlooked first-floor flat; I found it odd and unnecessary that the fact I'd been seen during a heatwave in very substantial underwear, essentially the coverage of shorts and a vest top, was passed from the contractor, to my neighbour, and then specifically relayed to my husband.

That's it. That's the “point”. Hope that helps.

OP posts:
Chooseasport · 15/09/2026 17:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Chooseasport · 15/09/2026 17:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 15/09/2026 17:52

BabblingBiddy · 11/09/2026 23:54

If I lived on the first floor it wouldn't occur to me that people might see through my windows. That's the same as being in a bedroom usually. Confused

DD and I did once see a man naked in his bedroom whilst in my car at the junction opposite.

Original poster
Alee36 · 15/09/2026 17:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Yes? I'm not particularly bothered by the incident anymore. I'm quite enjoying the discussion about it though. Those aren't mutually exclusive things 😂

I didn't realise “no longer upset about something” required me to lose all interest in discussing it. That would rather defeat the purpose of a discussion forum.

OP posts:
Chooseasport · 15/09/2026 17:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Alee36 · 15/09/2026 17:46

SandyHappyPerson · 15/09/2026 17:20

I found it odd that he specifically told my husband that a contractor had seen me in my underwear, rather than simply saying that the contractors could see into our flat and giving us a heads-up for next time.

But it is the same thing, the only difference being if the man said the contractor could "see in your flat" you may think "meh, so what?" without realising he saw you in your underwear, so he had to add that part IMO to make you aware of the reason he as telling you.

I think the best way to think about it is, why would he care if you were in your underwear? why would the contractor care? why would anyone care seeing as you are in a first floor flat?.. The answer is they wouldn't, but they may think YOU would care if you were aware of it.. maybe if they have mums / wives / girlfriends / sisters / daughters and they know it would bother THEM, it's not a leap to think it could bother you too.

It's too awkward a conversation to have to be anything other than well meaning IMO, but everyone sees what they want to see.

Show quote history

It's not a leap. I can accept well intended, poorly executed. I have said it over and over after hearing people's view point. That said, I find the mums/wives/girlfriends/sisters/daughters comparison a slightly odd way of looking at it. I'm not sure to be assessed according to what the women in somebody else's life might be comfortable with is appropriate. I was in my underwear in my own home, during a heatwave, before we'd got curtains up, in a first-floor room that ordinarily has nobody outside its window. I don't consider that particularly remarkable, but different generations, view points and so on.

If somebody tells me “just so you know, when the contractors are working up there they can see straight into your flat”, I can infer the rest for myself. I know what I do and don't wear in my own home, and I can decide whether I'm comfortable with somebody being able to see me without needing the specific occasion on which I was in my underwear reported back to me, via my husband.

And actually, whether I happened to be wearing underwear, pyjamas, shorts and a T-shirt or a bloody ball gown, doesn't really change the useful information, which is that somebody working at that height can see into a window that ordinarily isn't overlooked. I might be uncomfortable being watched while fully dressed, or completely unbothered about being glimpsed in my underwear. That's for me to decide. So I still don't see why what I was specifically wearing needed to become part of the message.

“too awkward to be anything other than well meaning”. The fact that something is awkward doesn't tell us what somebody's motivation was. People can create awkward situations to be dicks, doesnt automatically make it some heroic self sacrificing act. If anything, the awkwardness is part of what made me question why the specific underwear detail needed to be relayed at all!

OP posts:
Chooseasport · 15/09/2026 17:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Chooseasport · 15/09/2026 17:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

nomas · 15/09/2026 17:29

Alee36 · 15/09/2026 17:26

That's more than fair that you'd want to know, so this would have been helpful for you, and welcomed and that's valid.

Interested to know though, why the alternative to telling my husband that I'd been seen in my underwear is “creepily spying” on me. There's a fairly obvious third option: accidentally see somebody, avert your eyes and carry on with your day!

He may have been well intended for sure.

Show quote history

Exactly, when even look into your window? There wasn't even any need to look.

Original poster
Alee36 · 15/09/2026 17:26

Annoyedbyhusband · 15/09/2026 16:32

I would want to know about it if someone could see me. tbh they are probably trying to help you out by letting you know that they can see in when doing this work. Rather than not tell you and creepily spy on you, they are saying ‘did you know people can see you in your pants through the window and if we can see you others who are not as decent might see you and take pictures etc’
why would you not want to know this?
they probably could have put it a better way, but it was probably said in good faith to protect your modesty than any other reason.

That's more than fair that you'd want to know, so this would have been helpful for you, and welcomed and that's valid.

Interested to know though, why the alternative to telling my husband that I'd been seen in my underwear is “creepily spying” on me. There's a fairly obvious third option: accidentally see somebody, avert your eyes and carry on with your day!

He may have been well intended for sure.

OP posts:
SandyHappyPerson · 15/09/2026 17:20

Alee36 · 15/09/2026 17:02

I think you're being rather more definitive about his intentions than I was! You can interpret it as an entirely well meaning headsup, and that's fair enough, but neither of us actually knows what he meant by it do we.

My post was asking precisely because I wasn't sure how to interpret the comment. I found it odd that he specifically told my husband that a contractor had seen me in my underwear, rather than simply saying that the contractors could see into our flat and giving us a heads-up for next time.

And I don't think the distinction you've drawn between “your wife was walking around in her underwear” and “the contractor saw your wife walking around in her underwear” is quite as enormous as you're suggesting. In both cases, the salient information he chose to relay to my husband was that I had been seen in my underwear.

As for the suggestion that he might be worried about his contractor being “labelled a pervert”, that's a fairly extraordinary leap. I did question in my op why the contractor didn't simply avert his eyes rather than mention seeing me to the neighbour, who then chose to relay it to my husband. Questioning why that chain of information was necessary is not remotely the same thing as accusing someone of being a pervert. Nothing I've said suggests I think the contractor deliberately watched me, had sexual motives, or is some sort of threat.

You may well be right that it was completely innocent and intended kindly, several people have offered that interpretation and I've taken it on board. But calling me “thoroughly obtuse” because I found the whole interaction uncomfortable seems a strange take, particularly while presenting your own interpretation of a conversation you weren't present for as established fact.

Show quote history

I found it odd that he specifically told my husband that a contractor had seen me in my underwear, rather than simply saying that the contractors could see into our flat and giving us a heads-up for next time.

But it is the same thing, the only difference being if the man said the contractor could "see in your flat" you may think "meh, so what?" without realising he saw you in your underwear, so he had to add that part IMO to make you aware of the reason he as telling you.

I think the best way to think about it is, why would he care if you were in your underwear? why would the contractor care? why would anyone care seeing as you are in a first floor flat?.. The answer is they wouldn't, but they may think YOU would care if you were aware of it.. maybe if they have mums / wives / girlfriends / sisters / daughters and they know it would bother THEM, it's not a leap to think it could bother you too.

It's too awkward a conversation to have to be anything other than well meaning IMO, but everyone sees what they want to see.

Swipe left for the next trending thread