AIBU to consider having a fourth child?

I have two DC and would have liked 3, wasn’t possible for fertility reasons.

my main concerns in your situation would be: DC4 having additional needs; my and DH’s resources to parent the DC;impact on my personal ability to do full time paid work; and impact on my health day to day.

(I didn’t want household to be financially reliant on DH nor to have a shit pension)

you’re still early in parenting. We have found aspects of parenting (usually lovely) teens extremely difficult (school & mental health). For several years at a stretch. Exponentially harder than any parenting challenges earlier on.

I’m one of 4.

In our case the youngest child, my sister, has serious disabilities, remains entirely dependant on our parents in her 40s, and I have come under enormous pressure to take on her care as they age.

I know you enjoy looking after your three young children, but raising a child with serious disabilities or SEN is a totally different experience and of course would impact on your three existing children - not just for their childhoods but potentially for their whole lives.

We stopped at two because we felt that if we had a third with disabilities we wouldn’t be able to cope well and still give the older two everything they need.

Thats just my two pence worth - obviously if people didn’t have kids because of the fear of disability then nobody would have any kids. But once you already have young kids to take care of, for me the balance swung so that I didn’t want to take that risk.

It’s a good job we did stop at two as it turns out both of mine are autistic and we definitely couldn’t have coped with three kids and met their needs.

I think you do need to also consider the added risks of a geriatric pregnancy then.

Same and as the only girl even though I was the youngest I was also the only one expected to take on some of her role.

Housing crisis. I am going to have to help my two with house deposits as we are in London. Luckily I only had two.

I’d say don’t do it. It’s one thing to say you love parenting when you’ve basically got toddlers. Parenting 4 teenagers (and yours would likely all be teenagers together) is a completely different ball game

I'm another who was one of 4 and loathed it.

When I read views from children of large families I do sometimes worry that I shortchanged my children. But given that all four of them have said at various times that they were very lucky, and can’t imagine not having lots of siblings - and that we should have had a fifth (me - “definitely not”), I think it’s worked for them. But obviously that’s not the case for everyone.

This is so true. I'm just now discovering what people meant when they said older children are much more expensive! The braces are a nightmare and the food bills!

Also (and I mean this kindly) you don't really know yet the extent to which you love parenting as you're absolutely on the starting block!

But anyway yes of course it's ultimately up to you!

Just to add, my mum would absolutely say she breezed through having 4 kids. As the youngest I would beg to differ.

We called our fourth child our ‘luxury extra’. Expensive, unnecessary, arguably unjustifiable. But she made our lives that little bit nicer, like all the best luxuries.

But… we had a large house, a seven seater car, no worries about school fees (state all the way). We didn’t have a huge income, though.

We did manage great holidays (middle class pretentious ones), hobbies as required (obviously things like horse riding weren’t an option), and even university has been manageable.

Came on to say exactly this. Costs for secondary include travel, lunches, uniform, trips and text books - all more expensive or additional to primary. We have also done private assessment for additional needs, tutoring, sports costs, music lessons, driving lessons and university costs. Not even starting on shoes, clothes and food bills.

Also, I think we all prefer parenting different stages so maybe you love parenting little kids but will you love the tween/teen stage? Good luck, whatever you decide.

It sounds like you love the early years which is great, but the transition from having babies and toddlers at home to 4 kids in at least 2 different schools, 4x school runs, 4x uniforms, 4x parents evenings, 4x hobbies, 4x world book day, 4x homework stress, bullying, friendship issues, tik tok trends. Then 4 x teenagers, exams, lifts here and there, mental health struggles. Hats off to anyone who can truly meet the needs of 4 children moving through the school system at the same time. I'm stressed just typing that 😂

Well I have 5 so 4 doesn't seem excessive to me! But only you can decide what's right for your family. I can only say that I loved having my little gang, they are all boys and ate me out of house and home during the teenage years though!

It could be twins. It could have medical issues. It could have a really demanding personality which takes attention away from your other kids. It could be a non-sleeper.

What would a 4th give you that you don’t already get from 3?

How about the risk of #4 (or any of the others, down the line) having additional needs which affect the whole family? Working in SEND the stories and broken parents I’ve come across would make you hesitate.

Your own capacity and how much attention each child can get, does the quality of your parenting begin to suffer with more children? Yours are very young yet, and honestly I thought I was through once mine was sleeping through the night, but the teen years are a whole world of expense, challenge, and struggle (for me more than her)!

No skin in the game, I was one and done, but if you want suggestions you haven’t thought of, those are mine.

I have 4. Ours are each 3 years apart which has been helpful for uni fees and avoiding A levels and GCSEs in the same year.

Our family just wasn't complete without 4. I don't regret a thing. In fact I am SO glad I didn't stop at 2, because 1 and 2 are completely different personalities and get on least well of all of them. Now 1 has left home and 2 is at uni I miss them (and am delighted for them).

@Ohbaby4 of course not unreasonable if you want a 4th and can afford it.
But every pregnancy is a lottery. As long as you're prepared for whatever the outcome might be (multiples, special needs etc) then the odds are with you. Otherwise there's the other argument of don't take the gamble.

What if it's SEN?
Also, would you love parenting four expensive and surly teens/young adults?

This is a very good point to consider too. What will another bring that your current three don’t bring you already. Just make sure this it’s not simply a way of avoiding closing that chapter and facing the emotions it brings.

I’m one of four, loved it. Currently TTC no.4. I have decided not to think anymore about the negatives ( of course, we heavily considered them when making a decision ) but ultimately decided that FOR US, four was the amount of children we wanted and have decided we can manage. We’re really excited about ( hopefully ✨ ) falling pregnant and then welcoming our fourth baby into our family. I’m very much team, go for it!

Too many people on this planet
Three children is more than enough for anyone.

Why are you asking. If everyone voted no youd still have another. Pointless.

I have 4, so obviously I’m not anti 4 kids. The only thing I’d advise is to be really realistic about whether you can comfortably afford 4 teenagers. Your children are all really young, so it doesn’t seem financially difficult to add another. They are typically much more expensive once they are involved (sometimes at serious levels) in sports, social commitments etc. They can also have allied health and different medical needs. I’m going to have to pay for at least 3 sets of braces, which is crazy expensive. Then there are driving lessons, and possible contributions to university costs. Even travel becomes ridiculous and they eat A LOT. My food bill has multiplied by many times what it was when they were little, even accounting for inflation. So when you say you can afford another, just make sure you mean you can comfortably afford 4 teenagers!