AIBU to consider having a fourth child?

You like littlies. Ridiculous to have 4 when chances are you'll dislike them from 12-18

I have three and regret not having a fourth. Three is an odd number and I really do think four would have been an easier for a host of reasons (obviously not cheaper though).

True..But the risk of SN goes up with increased parental age and more kids, does it not? I could cope with one autistic child easier than with 4!
Actually we can make bets on increased likelihoods.

Mine are spaced out. I wouldn't choose to have 4DC close in age. I had two in my 20s and two in my 30s for this very reason. I can't cope with odd numbers!🤣

Actually - depressingly - around 60 per cent of first time buyers now have a gifted deposit, either partial or whole. Of course, many people who would once have bought in their twenties or thirties either buy much later in life or never manage to buy at all.

No one knows what the future holds. You just have to see as life goes on. Same could be said just having one child who could have additional needs...

This really does not sound like an incentive to have 4 kids.

My DC (even if I had stuck at just one) will be sorting out their own deposits. They won't get anything from DH or myself.

I doubt many adults get given a deposit for their very first home.

If you can afford it and you enjoy it: yes.

BUT if you currently have 3 children with no disabilities, extra needs, food allergies, regular hospital appts… do consider what a different life it would mean for all five of you if the sixth member of your family did require a lot more of your time and care than the average child.

You say you really love parenting which is amazing but (as someone with 2 children with a combo of medical and SEND needs) it makes me think that so far you’ve been lucky enough to have a very smooth ride of it - all the fun bits and none of the extreme anxiety/stress that many families live with.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go ahead. You just have to be sure you’re be ready for a different type of life if it came for you.

We carve out one to one time with each of the 4 DC on a regular basis. To hear how they are feeling, talk about any troubles they have etc. I stay at home, have done for 18 years so I am always always here for them all.

What about sleep? 😮

And no, you don't need to pay for driving lessons for all four DC. They can get jobs and do that themselves. I was one of 2 children and I paid for all my own driving lessons and tests.

My eldest and youngest are both autistic. There are additional needs going on but DH is also undiagnosed likely autistic too. 11yo is also dyspraxic and going through dyslexia assessments.

Yes, you could have one with special needs but it's up to you to take that risk.

Life can be difficult at times with 4DC but you get back what you put in. Helping our 19yo to drive and getting passed his driving test has helped us out loads in recent months.

Obviously it’s completely up to you but growing up as one of four I wouldn’t, it’s too many. And my mum always said it was one too many!! I don’t speak to one of my sisters anymore and barely speak to the other two, however I get on with my youngest brother the best. Was never able to spend enough time with my parents one on one, felt I didn’t really know them, always had to share, felt really lonely during my teen years as I just wanted my mum who had three other teens/pre teens to deal with. If you feel you could really give each one on one time then go for it but I wouldn’t have four.

Mine are 19yo, 16yo, 11yo and 9yo.

Laundry is a big part of life. My eldest drives and helps out at times if I need him to run shopping errands or do take younger siblings to an extracurricular activity whilst I stay in with the youngest in the evenings (DH does shift work).

No. Come on, isn’t three enough - for you, for them, for the planet? Four youngsters may sound doable, but four teenagers? University, etc? Special needs? You have twins? Don’t do it.

Can you afford 4 kids at uni at the same time ? ( the bill will be big - even with them taking loans) How would you feel if number 4 had additional needs which meant your other 3 got less attention and the family had to revolve around the 4th child. What happens if your health was adversely impacted by having number 4 and you were unable to effectively parent any of the children. Do you think you and DH can split your time 4 ways to give each child sufficient attention. Will your family finances really work with 4 children ? What additional stress will it apply on existing finances and also the parents being driven to keep earning - how will an unscheduled redundancy impact your finances ? If you have a healthy dynamic with your existing family and all are fit and healthy I personally wouldn’t take the risk with introducing number 4.

I have 4 age 14 - 22. Loved it. Very happy with the decision to have 4, and it was nothing to do with getting a certain sex because 1 and 2 were girl then boy.

The PP who made the comment about teenagers eating a lot was true though. Our shopping bill regularly comes in at £170 a week. Having said that, a good chest freezer and the ability to know when the yellow stickered meat is due to go on the shelves helps 🤣.

I have 3 and would have liked 4. DH said no.

Now mine are teens I am so so so glad we don't have more. I just could not have understood how expensive they are when they were younger. And how much headspace they all take up. I have 3 in 3 different schools and the admin is an additional job. The money just to sort school uniforms, lunches, music lessons, hobbies, parties, clothes, school trips.....and that is before driving lessons (£90 minimum), uni open days (travel and accommodation) and then uni costs.

Big kids, big problems. They need you so much for things like jobs and exams and friendships and relationships...

DH works away. I work loads. We are very very stretched!

I was a very good mum to small children. Loved babies and toddlers and playgroups and little school, play dates and soft play and birthday parties.

Not so sure parenting three completely different and competing young adults is for me...

That's very rude to suggest PP is blind and actually her 4 children aren't doing well!

Im always fascinated by comments like yours, people who think that adding siblings automatically detracts from their lives. I suppose some families just don't get along and that must be where that view comes from, that each child is a burden to the others rather than a happy addition.
Incidentally, my parents in law were both one of 8, and one of them had a fantastic upbringing, very wild and rural. There were 8 born in 11 years. The family network is just incredible, there are cousins all over the world. The other family were not so happy but that's because the parents were very strict, the siblings actually got on well and supported each other well into old age and if you suggested they would have been happier if the others didn't exist they would laugh at you!
I'm not suggesting everyone these days can handle or afford 8 children, but to suggest that it is a net negative on the children in a family that can afford to provide for them, is a very narrow minded view point IMO.

I have no idea about your finances, but do you have a big enough home that they'll have space as they grow or will they be sharing bedrooms unless you move? You'll need a bigger car. Holidays will be expensive for all of you. Your food shopping will be expensive. If they play sport or have other hobbies you'll potentially have to pay for four lots of memberships/lessons, etc then there's the logistics of ferrying them around. Four bikes, four lots everything.

I don’t just think it. Your comprehension skills are lacking. I said I had been told those things (and many other positive things) about my DC. By professionals with experience and expertise.

Telling someone with four children that that’s their hobby is coming from a place of pain and suffering. I won’t bother engaging with you further as you are obviously not capable of understanding anything outside your own narrow experience.

OP has explained she has the time and resources to have a fourth child. You disbelieve her. Best leave it there eh?

Mine are 5, 3 + 1 and I’m due with DC 4 in Feb 😊
I’m 1 of 5 and love it!

Four would be too many for me, OP. Three is usually pushing it.

Your comfortable circumstances might change and you’d be in a pickle (this happened to a friend with four).

I could easily have become addicted to the pregnancy/newborn/toddler years and had a couple more, but parenting is demanding, children require time and attention, and this just isn’t possible with four.

Yes, but you have a vested interest in defending having five children. I don't think it's in the least unreasonable to point out that your attention and mental resources are spread more thinly the more children you have, to the detriment of the existing children. The fact that you think your four children are doing well may suggest only that your own upbringing blinded you to this.