AIBU to consider having a fourth child?

No, it was an example, not literally my life's mission to balance things out🤣 it was purely for illustration purposes that he's just not interested in a partner let alone having any children. He's too selfish.

We need families like the one in my local community who has 11 children and I expect there will be another pregnancy announcement before Christmas...someone has to buck the trend. We need future doctors, engineers etc. We can use AI for everything.

The planet's population needs to drastically reduce to have any chance of there being a decent future with enough resources. It's not about keeping it the same or just not increasing, which is what your argument would amount to. We absolutely have to reduce our numbers as a species. Thank God your brother didn't reproduce but how unbelievably daft of you to think you needed excessive children to balance that.

It's an example that having 4 isn't a complete disaster.

No one can answer this for you. However, your children are all very young. You enjoy parenting NOW. That’s not to say you will love it when they are all older. Also, not every pregnancy is a singular one and not every pregnancy ends with a healthy child.

I’m not trying to be a Debbie downer, just offering some of my own personal insight.

How is that relevant to the OP? She's got three aged 5, 3 and 1!

I have yet to hear any valid unselfish reasons for having another child if I'm being honest. How people can keep reproducing when the news every day is nothing short of apocalyptic is honestly beyond me.. I also don't get these posts - if the vote is no, I assume you won't go ahead with your desire for another child? Why is Mumsnet making that decision for you

A placental abruption took that out of my hands with my youngest. DH had a vasectomy when the youngest was 6mo. He arranged it with the GP days after the youngest was born. Neither of us wanted to ever go through anything like that again. It made the decision very easy to stop at 4. There's nothing like seeing your life flash before your very eyes to bring you to your senses🤣

Tbh I think that I would have considered more than two if I didn’t need to work. I do mostly enjoy my career but stopping it entirely has never been a financial option for us and never will be. I find parenting stressful but if I’m truly honest with myself the only reason I find it stressful is because due to working I do not have the time I need to devote to it to feel I’m doing it well while also resting etc. The sacrifice is my own calm/peace. I’m having to live on about 5 hours of sleep a night and with zero down time (ie not working or parenting but still awake) and it’s not really sustainable. Writing this down feels sad, but the truth is the economy did remove my choices as a woman.

To answer some of these questions...

All four DC have a bedroom each.
My eldest is 19yo and contributes to the food bill monthly. He works over the summer when not in college.
He drives his own car (pays for his own insurance) and isn't interested in going with us on family holidays now. He pays for his own holidays with friends. He always gets asked if he wants to come with us but he chooses not to.

We had two lots of two deliberately so the costs of extracurricular activities were spread out over a long period of time. Easier to manage financially.

A couple in my local community have 11 children aged from 22 to 9mo. I think it's lovely. Not for me, but I am glad there are women out there who do want to buck the trend. The first three are all adults now, three in high school, three in primary, one in nursery and one still at home (the baby).
ETA all the children are belonging to the couple. All biologically theirs.

@Ohbaby4

Are you working at the moment or planning to return to work at some point, OP?

In the exact same boat. Not sure what we’ll end up doing. Good luck!

But my brother has stayed single, isn't interested in children or being part of a relationship. He prefers to remain on his own. In his 40s. So I had 4DC. I had the two he didn't have to balance it all out? Just another way of looking at it.

For every person choosing to have children, there's another person deciding it just isn't for them.

No, I hear you. Everyone should consider this especially with all the knowledge about such conditions we all have nowadays. There wasn't the same awareness then that we have now. If I had known this years ago and what the future held for my family perhaps I would have remained single. Or stayed a couple only.

As it is, we make the best of our lot in life. There's nothing else for it.

Not quite the same but I always wanted 3 children, but neither of us were broody wt the same time so we stopped at 2.

Until my youngest was 10 it was relatively easy. But then she had mental health problems. So we are glad we stopped at 2.

Plus Uni and teenagers in general aren’t cheap. Teenage years are hard and mine are both in a good place now.

1990thatsme I think that having 4 children, and wanting 2 more is lovely! I think people telling you its a hobby are being rude and unkind .As a child growing up in London ,many childhood friends had 6 siblings and no one took any notice .Large families are a blessing, and with more women at work have gone out of fashion really.Probably more women would have more if they could .

OP, it’s entirely your decision on if you want a 4th child, I wouldn’t go off what others have to say. Everyone has different experiences, If you can comfortably afford a 4th child and in future and you and your DH wants a 4th then why not? There’s always the ‘what ifs’ but I highly doubt you would regret it. Do what you think is best and what your heart is set on.

I have not said you shouldn't have had your kids.
I am only saying the risk of SN increases with age and the number of kids you have, so the OP should consider if she can handle that.
This is not a controversial statement by any means.

Yabu. Environmentally a disaster. Resources are dwindling, planet's fucked. Don't bring more people into the world. You have more than enough already.

It’s not - it’s a valid point. Do you think you can give 6 children enough emotional support? What is 1 has disabilities that would impact the lives of your existing children?

I believe I may also have autistic traits like DH but to be fair, I didn't know this at the time of considering starting a family years ago. Neither did DH. More knowledge has come to pass years later about the condition in society. I honestly think the children we do have (that is not all four DC) who have autism may have inherited this. So eldest (my first). Was I just to not have any at all? Many like myself could be pondering this...but I don't regret my family. They are a great bunch and bring a lot of joy. They all are helpful to DH and I too. They do chores when asked (age appropriate).

Absolutely not. Im one of three and I barely ever got one-to-one time with my parents, it was really sad. Will be even worse with 4. No one needs more than 2 kids from the perspective of a dying planet

You may be able to afford it now, but they get majorly expensive as they get older. Do you want to help them with driving lessons, a first car, support them through university, help with a house deposit? Never mind all the expensive school trips that come along, like skiing. Because obviously whatever you decide you want to be able to do for them, needs to be multiplied by 4. And you also have to think about saving/investing for your own future and retirement.

These days you need to be on a very good household income to be able to raise 4 children.

You can afford 4 now? Can you afford private schooling for all. Can you afford for all to do whatever hobbies they want and get them there? Will you have enough time for each individually? Can you affford to support all four through university? Can you give all four equal deposits for their first home? Driving lessons, cars and so on?

can you deal with SEN? Because you never know what life holds as yours are very young.

I guess to an extent it all depends on what you feel you want to be able to provide for your children.

if you have thought about all of the above and still want four - go for it!!!

I would have had four if it wasn’t for my poor womb not being suitable to carry another pregnancy. However, often feel we can’t give enough of ourselves for all three. Husband fully parents as well.

I will be sticking to the 40% that doesn't gift a deposit. They'll appreciate their home more if they work hard for it themselves or with a partner they can club together etc. Lots of other ways to make it work.