AIBU to struggle with my husband going ahead with a vasectomy?

I am sorry about your miscarriage.

Your OH is sending mixed messages really. He was happy to rely on the withdrawal method of "contraception" which implied that he was happy to accept the possible consequences of a third child. But now he is keen to go ahead with the vasectomy which sends a new message that a further child is totally off the cards in his mind.

I can see thst this combined with the miscarriage has caused you some emotional turmoil.

I hope that you can find peace with all this.

It’s ridiculous. I wanted to be sterilised when I was 25 and the doctor said I would need permission from my partner (I was single at the time).

I am still mad about it even though I am now well past childbearing age. It would have saved me a lot of hassle

Mine had his done just before we were married. The (private) surgeon did ask me a load of questions though.

I’m sorry that you lost your baby. If your husband’s vasectomy has been planned since April, then it’s clear that he is completely certain he doesn’t want any more children in the future, and this is something you’ll need to find a way to accept.
Admittedly, it’s very unfortunate timing given your recent miscarriage, but probably something you both should have made sure you were on the same page about sooner.

Times have changed. When my late OH had his vasectomy I had to sign a form giving my permission...

He is making an informed decision about safe sex and contraception. He doesn’t want any more children and still wants to have sex. Perfectly sensible choice. Especially if he is the breadwinner

I was in the same position. Had 2, always wanted a third, but husband said he absolutely didn’t want more children.

We divorced, he met someone else and had it reversed

@Happydays26it might just be time that you need to come to terms with it. Sorry for your early miscarriage.
As some who has had a lot of chemical pregnancies, early losses i always pictured us with 2 children. We have been married since we were 25 and now we’re 36/37. We have ‘unexplained infertility’ and failed IVF for our child and now she’s 7 with no sign of another child. Our cut off was 35…but we have extended it as I wasn’t ready.
Now my periods have gotten worse, we’re getting older and he’s booked in for his vasectomy.
Its took me nearly a year an a half to come to some peace with that. Baby showers and births still give me a little punch in the stomach.
I keep focusing on what I do have and how incredibly lucky I am to have such an amazing daughter and husband. She is content being an only child and is very close to her cousins as we are close to our siblings.

Sometimes it’s just time, there’s no quick fix.

I am sorry for your loss, it is a very difficult time for you. But, ultimately, if your husband is sure he does not want another child he is doing the right and responsible thing by ensuring that this is no longer possible for himself. I understand you have your feelings about his decision- but it is his decision to make and you have to accept it. Just as it is your right to decide on whether to use contraception and whether to continue a pregnancy or not, it is his right to chose to control his fertility by having a vasectomy.

I think the only decision you have from here is whether the desire to have another child is so great that you wish to end this relationship and seek a new partner to have another child with (or go down the route if fertility treatment as a single person), or not. That is a pretty significant decision to make, and not one I would make in the aftermath of a miscarriage.

It is not easy when one partner’s views on an either/or situation are so diametrically opposed to each other- there is no compromise. One of you gets what they want and the other gets nothing. It is difficult but there is nothing you can don to change it, so you have to find a way to come to terms with it- though you don’t have to do so immediately. Counselling can help with pregnancy loss and may also help you come to terms with the rest too.

This is very hard. I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost a pregnancy when my two boys were young. I didn’t feel “done” after the whole thing either. So I understand a bit of what you feel. I did go on to have a third child a year after miscarrying. I feel like my family is complete now.
Could your husband delay the procedure while you go to counselling to discuss everything?
has he explained why he doesn’t want a third baby, are there valid medical or financial or personal reasons ?

Must be really really hard but look I’ve got no children, I lost my first and there’s a severe lack of men around that want marriage or children right now, so not for want of trying! . Be grateful for what you have and focus on that.

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. But your husband doesn’t want another child, and can do what he wants with his own body. It’s crazy that you’ve been pulling out — that’s more like Russian roulette than an actual method of contraception. Am not surprised he wants to ensure another accidental pregnancy doesn’t happen.

You shouldn’t try to persuade him not to. It wouldn’t be acceptable for him to persuade you to do or not do anything to your own body so, whilst I get why you feel that way, you have to respect his decision.

Yes. But she’s lost a baby and trying to find peace with it. It’s easy to forget there’s a human writing this who is a little broken. I wonder if someone came to you in real life for advice and help that’s what you’d say. (I’m assuming people would go to you obviously, maybe they don’t!)

I've been trying to find a less blunt way of saying this but agree.
I am very sorry about your situation OP but it is his body and his decision.
Any woman on here debating about an abortion is told it's her body and her choice.

I'm sorry for your early miscarriage, there are a lot of hormones and emotions churned up at such a time. I know both of my 5-10 week miscarriages affected my moods profoundly.

Here's the important bit - Your husband doesn't want another child. You need to make your peace with this, unless you plan to leave him and pursue a future based around having a third child.

He may have shied away from the surgery in the past (not uncommon - men are so squeamish about vasectomies!) but he has returned to the idea multiple times and has had this booked in for 5 months. It's his body and his right.

I'm sorry the reality of this is crashing in on you while you're processing your miscarriage. It might be worth looking for a counsellor to talk this through with, because it's a lot to come to terms with.

Your husband isn't the best person to discuss it with as he will hear "I want more children, or at least that possibility" when he's already clear that's not for him. He's likely to react defensively or try to reason you out of it. That's likely to cause strife.

Far better to explore your feelings and reactions with someone not bound up in it.
I say this from experience.

Huge sympathy for you but I've no children and never will have so if your husband can't do another child I'd just concentrate on the ones you have and get on with your life if you want it to be with him. Hugs for the baby you lost, so sorry. xxx

I am sorry for your loss, but it''s his body, to do as he chooses. It's not for you to decide.

If it were a husband complaining about his wife being adamant about a contraception choice, there would be uproar. Men are allowed to make those choices too

I'm so sorry for your early loss. No matter how early you must've been picturing the future, telling your older two etc and its really hard to have it all taken away. I hope you're being taken care of.

Your husband's decision is difficult and must make your miscarriage harder to process. Have you spoken to him about your feelings about it - not to change his mind but just to do some joint processing? I have dealt with a similar difference between me and DH and ultimately realised that the person who doesn't want more children is the one who gets to choose, there's no forcing it. If he can't talk with you maybe look at some short term counselling. I hope you're OK and sorry you're dealing with this.