What am I doing wrong regarding school mums?

This is great advice. You are putting way too much store on and getting too stressed about this. None of it will matter in a few short years and your kids will make friends regardless. Is this intensity at the school gates a realitivly new thing? It seems to come up a lot on here. I am quite old now but is was much more casual in the 90's when I picked kids up from school. Just a quick 'Hi' ans a remark about the weather. The only other mums you would communicate with were the ones whose kids were friends with yours re sleep overs etc.

When the lady blanked you after meeting up, why do you assume there’s something wrong with you? Op she’s an asshole, that’s on her not you. The more common response to this would be anger at her for being so rude. Frame this as you judging them, not the other way round! You’ll soon realise you don’t want to be included. You don’t need friends in every setting you’re involved in, you actually just need one. Nice to have more but not needed. Build your self esteem up.

Id call her out,
Id wander over and say ah it was so lovely .... and .... meeting up over the summer, would you like to come round again Saturday? A little loudly infront of the group shes walked to. Don't let people treat you like rubbish, you dont need to be unkind but at least that way Then if she means the blanking intentionally you'll be able to see by her reaction.

Sometimes they're just not your people and that's that.

Sometimes they're just not your people and that's that.

Sometimes they're just not your people and that's that.

You sound like you are just reading way too much into everything and seeing a snub where there isnt one!

They were just chatting, they weren't excluding you. If you'd waited you might have found the conversation would have eventually slowed down and you could get back in.

Tbh they might have thought you were introducing them to each other because you didnt feel much like chatting. Or they just might not have thought anything at all!

I think you are really overthinking school run interactions. Often in the playground im away with the fairies, thinking about some work meeting ive got to dash back for or what to have for dinner that night or remembering to speak to the teacher about something.

Chill out about it all, you're reading too much into it

I posted the same thing a few years ago OP and I'll tell you how my journey has gone, son now in yr4.

• I now realise how many parents knew each other before kids started school, after school clubs, knew someone they knew etc. instant bonds that without knowing this background made me feel like why wasn't anyone talking to me. Well, we all talk to those we know! This was nothing to do with me.

• I fucking hate small talk and basically this come across. I found most of the mum's uninteresting and probably projected this

• I have low self esteem, through therapy (for un related issue) I've learnt I was not given the emotional connectedness that I needed as a child, which has given me the lovely gift of needing to be 'chosen' in adulthood as validation of my existence. This is a me problem and not their problem. You sound like you have some similar thoughts.

• mostly, people are fucking knackered and just want to get in and out with their kids, other than the small minority of people who hang out at the gates for their social fix, which they don't get elsewhere. I have my own friends and life away from school

• they are my sons friends and not mine.

• majority I actually have nothing in common with and find uninteresting so why am j bothered about their friendship? Go back to prevent point re low self esteem

• kids move on from friendships very quickly in primary school. It's much easier to navigate this if you are acquainted with the other parents but not necessarily proper friends.

• hosting and going to parties is a good way to break the ice. People have far more time.

• I my self have completely blanked people on the way in and out of school either because a. I can't be fucked with conversation after the stress of getting them too school or post work, I have nothing to say small talk wise, but mainly I just cba so ither parents must and do feel the same, don't take it personally you don't know what type of day people have had.

They look like a bonded group but they won't be in reality. There will be 2-3 who are actual real life friends. Everyone else is just passing time diplomatically at pickup. There will be a mix of dynamics - people who are good at chatting to everyone but not proper friends with them, people who dislike each other, people whose children dislike each other. People who met once at baby group and gravitate to each other because they have a familiar face. Don't think of them as a homogeneous mass from which you are excluded. Be casual and friendly. Don't assume they are ignoring you/blanking you because of something wrong with you - assume they are busy, distracted, exhausted, trying to catch up with a friend etc. Trust me, the ones who are actually friends see each other in the real world, not the school gate.

I've always had this OP. I don't know what it is about me that people don't like, but I remember being a bit conscious with mum friends when mine were little that I had a tendency to relate whatever was being discussed to my own experience. Writing that down now, it seems quite a natural way to converse but I could have come across as a bit self-absorbed.

Unfortunately some of us don't have much smalltalk or find everyday stuff that interesting to discuss. Looking back I think that was what made me a bit unrelatable.

My best advice is to make your peace with it, keep old friendships up, have a career and try to get on with colleagues. Nothing wrong with not quite fitting in.

Honestly, I think you're reading way more into this than is there. Two mums who just met and clicked will talk to each other, that's not a snub. And people at the school gate are busy, tired, distracted, wrangling kids. They're not sitting there thinking about you at all

@PollyBell not a helpful comment. OP has come here for support and empathy. Writing ‘Get a life away from school’ and ‘why is this so hard for people to understand’ smacks of someone with absolutely zero emotional intelligence.

You are not being excluded, get a life away from school why is thia so hard for people to understand

Were you left out and excluded when you were a child at school?

You only pick on Fridays, they aren’t invested in you because they see you so little. It’s not about you. It’s about their need to be included and tou don’t belong to that as you only pick up Friday.

Maybe start some grouo Friday play dates. You might make friends that way.

This!
Its also really off putting when someone is really keen and gushy, it smacks of neediness but also poor boundaries

I think if I were sitting in a three I would never not speak to one of the three. It’s rude tbh. It just takes a look or a few words to include that person in the conversation, it’s just being courteous.

OP you can’t control other people but you can choose where you put your energy.

I have realised over the years - just because i am inclusive, and i do things a certain way it doesnt mean others are or do. Word to the wise focus on you and your child, say hi when you are face to face with others - other than that let it go.

Christ not this again. You weren't EXCLUDED they just wanted to talk to eachother instead of you.

There was a thread only yesterday about the total over dramatic I'M BEING EXCLUDED threads when people feel like they have to be"included" in everything. You don't! Stop being so needy!

@Schooolm OP, you sound very much like me - a sensitive soul, who soaks up everything in their environment and notices every single interaction. It is often a strength; like you say, you make eye contact and involve everybody in a conversation to try to ensure nobody may feel excluded. But often it causes us to over-analyse and assume there must be something wrong with us when we notice that others won’t (or more accurately can’t) do this for us.

I have spent just over a year doing the school run and have had many interactions just as you have described. It did get me down at first, but I worked on what others have already mentioned - bright and breezy pretending not to care while still being friendly and polite to all. I am now getting a lot more warmth and friendliness back from those who appeared quite indifferent before and have also met a couple of new, lovely parents I just hadn’t really crossed paths with. We’re not best friends or anything, and I’m sure we won’t be in touch come secondary school, but we are friendly with one another, and it now does not feel as much of an ordeal every weekday 😂

I did find hosting my child’s birthday party, then being invited to others in turn, to be a bit of a turnaround point in getting to know some parents better. Being helpful via the WhatsApp group and sharing frustrations at the absurdities of school admin (expected of parents, that is) has also helped to break down some barriers. (Not sure if you’ve got something like that set up?)

Continue to smile, wave hello, ask “how are you?”, start conversation where you can about absolutely anything - school, child, work, weather, the highs and lows of parenthood - to break the ice. Just continue being the lovely person you come across to me on this thread as being! Sometimes it just takes a bit of time to build connections 🙂

I do agree with others who have pointed out that often parents are knackered, particularly at pick up, and have no social battery left (this was actually me today 😂). There are also those that really are drop off/pick up, nothing more, and that is fine - people have busy, stressful lives and may just not enjoy small talk at the school gates.

But I get why you are upset, because your experience was two mums happily talking to one another - who obviously don’t mind the chit chat - and not including you. Some adults naturally gravitate to one another and are not quite as attuned as you are as to when another person is on the sidelines feeling a bit left out of things. I promise it is nothing you are doing wrong and they don’t hate you - they’re just not noticing these things as you do!

If you have the time, have you ever volunteered with the school? I did this and this helped me meet lots of mums in my child’s class.

Even so, I only really speak to a few people. These are people I’ve known before the school run and people that go to my local gym.

other than those people, I tend to keep my head down. I will say hi, but really I just want to get my kids and get out!

You're not being excluded.
You're just not being included.

@Schooolm Hi OP! Ha you sound exactly like me. I think I know where you are coming from. I too pick up my DC from school (3 form entry too funnily enough) and the whole year group are particularly unfriendly - and I’m not the only one who thinks it. I think we have been unlucky in our year as other years in school get on very well. I am super confident, and like you dont want to be best buddies with them BUT do want polite interactions and to get on. The way I see it some people are just not like you and me… they like to crack on or stick with people they ‘have always known’ the safe option. It’s a lot to do with people’s confidence I have realised and their social awareness. I’ve found that people who went to the nursery part of school dont like to get involved with anyone who joined in say reception or year 1 because well, that’s too much effort. Take your time, still make the effort…find the nice decent ones… I am doing this…. but don’t bother with the frosty lot and waste your kind energy… that’s my plan anyway. Don’t let the miserable ones get you down. Maybe organise a social and show them how inclusive you are. You definitely sound it! Good luck! xxx

You need to ask yourself why you're so bothered by this. Seriously. My dc are grown up now. I'm still friends with some of the mums from one of my dc's year group. My other dc year group were not my bag. Nice enough, and we'd chat at pick up and drop off, but I had no wish to be in their group. Stop caring so much! These people are of no importance to you.