AIBU to stop being the person my sister turns to when she needs money?

It sounds to me like she's just never got her head round the fact that money has to be earned. You both got constant handouts while you were young (your family must have been seriously well off if they could casually fund you both to just travel for years!). So she has certain expectations of how life should be and what she's entitled to, and she has just continued expecting other people to pay for it. I wouldn't be surprised if her relationship issues have been at least in part related to overspending.

Everyone except you has now turned off the tap, so she will just continue to ask you for more and more money - she doesn't see that as a big problem because other people have always funded her life. You should definitely stop handing over such big sums of money, but I'd be prepared for her to be quite angry about it.

Your sister is a scrounger and you are enabling her behaviour through a misplaced sense of guilt.
Drop the rope.

A simple “we don’t have”. No one else needs to know your financial circumstances.
And put a plan in place to for the return of the rest.

OP, come on. I get she's your sister and you love her, but if you were any more of a mug you'd be living in a cupboard.

"She made her bed, let her lie in it." I don't actually believe that.
Well, you should!

Not because of her relationship failure or illness, you're right in that those things can happen, but she has had £20k in just 6 months off you, and presumably quite a bit more before then, money off your parents, money off your brothers, very possibly money off friends or her ex-partners, AND the offer of free accommodation to help sort herself out - and instead of using any of that to put a deposit down on a place or retrain or whatever she's STILL begging for even more money to spend on drinks or new shoes or whatever "luxuries" mean to her.

She might not be blamed for all her life events (although you might only know one side of the story, presumably her children chose not to live with her for a reason) but she absolutely can be blamed for repeatedly making the decision to waste money and rely on other people to bail her out, again and again.

If I gave her £5k tomorrow my children wouldn't go without anything
Unless you're completely downplaying 'financially comfortable' and you're actually a lot richer than you're letting on, then £25k absolutely will make a difference to your children's lives - invested now that could be most of their uni tuition covered or a deposit on their first home. It's ridiculous to give that to your sister to spend on bubble bath and takeaways.

I also agree with the people who said you are very much not helping her by enabling her, and it probably is hitting her self-esteem to be constantly requesting handouts from all family members rather than just cutting her cloth as well.

Shes got to hit her own rock bottom. Say no more. I had this with my sister. The cheek of it. Ridiculous

She’s taking the pis and you’re enabling this. Cut her off.

This is a tale as old as time - you’ve been enabling her, not helping, and therefore the cycle continued.

Having been in a similar situation with a formerly close friend, I think you need to stick to your guns about refusing to give her the £5k, keep it minimal and ask for some timeline about when she pays back the that £20k. I am shocked you are so blasé about that money. As a PP said, that £20k could have been used to enhance the lives of your kids. On a more practical level, none of us know what the future holds and one day you may need that £20k for some kind of emergency. Be prepared for the relationship to change forever (hopefully for the better).

These are good questions.

Honestly I'd say that you've given her 20k this year; this time you can give her 2,500 but that you wont be able to help her in future.

If she genuinely needs it now and you've allowed her to build the pattern of relying on you for money, give her time to get her head around the fact that the funding is going to stop. So help her out to some degree this time.

But make it clear that the tap is being shut off in future.

Why did her relationships fail? Is there an issue in common with all of them - addiction, financial incompetence??

You’ve missed out some crucial information.

Why have three serious relationships ended?

And why do her children want to live with dad? That’s an unusual choice.

Im wondering if she’s been incredibly unlucky or if she has a role to play in it all and actually, she needs to address that before she repeats it. Or spirals.

Yanbu, I think if feel the same way.

You are effectively giving away your children’s money. That 20k could have been used for their future.
You may have money now but you never know what will happen and one day you could find yourself a single parent too. Save your money and stop bailing her out for ‘nice things’

Blimey, and to think I moan about my DB tapping me up for £20 here and £50 there!

That's a crazy amount of overspending, especially as it doesn't sound as though she's got much to show for it. She definitely needs to take up your parents offer of their bungalow.

I would maybe respond to the ask by just saying- I can’t lend you any more money, and we need to talk about when you can start to pay me back the 20k- it will stop her at least from coming back to you for more if she thinks that she has to repay you

I have lent, well effectively given, my own sister relatively large amounts of money for similar reasons. She suffered from depression and frankly helping her through some financial hard times felt like the only way I could be sure she wouldn’t fall apart, which would’ve been catastrophic for her children. However, I have now reached a point of no longer wanting to finance her lifestyle and her bad decisions. Fundamentally they are that. My own sister had two divorces in fairly quick succession. She’s always losing jobs and ending relationships. She has an option in the form of the bungalow. But she’s probably turning it down because she knows she can go to you for handouts. I think you’ve reached a point where you know you need to start saying no. And you don’t need to explain.

I know you don't want to play the blame game, but realistically, it doesn't sound like your sister has simply had a couple pieces of bad luck. In other words, she is at least partially responsible for the situation she finds herself in, and I wouldn't keep bailing her out. The fact that the rest of your family have said they won't loan (give, to tell the truth) her more money says it all. YANBU to decide that you've been generous enough. She needs to start making better choices, including probably living in the bungalow that your parents have so generously offered her.

Does she have a drug addiction? That's a huge amount of money coupled with her children wanting to live with their dad. There's clearly more going on here

Is this AI? It’s weirdly specific

The only way this ends is but you saying no.

I was my sister's ATM until I added up all I gave her and realized how much it was. After that I said no to all requests. I felt bad, but it's nice to have the money to do what I want to do for a change.

This
it’s a bit like buying an alcoholic booze

20 grand isn't far off a full time wage, especially tax free. There is no reason at all for her to need that much money for necessities at all. I really don't think you should give her any more.

She's being a CF. She'll never stand on her own feet if she can keep sponging off you. The rest of the family have realised this. Stop enabling her. I know you say you can afford it, but £20K is a LOT of money, and you're not telling me you couldn't have found a better use for it within your own family.

I think it would be a good idea if she thought you can’t afford to keep helping her. These are not inconsequential sums of money and you never know what is around the corner: redundancy / cancer / one of you being hit by a bus / a child becoming disabled. Unlikely, but if you’ve given away a chunk of your rainy day fund, you don’t have it if you need it. And in the meantime your are facilitating her poor decision making.

I suspect she is resentful and jealous and expects you to help her as her right.
So I’d prepare for her anger when you start saying no, but you need to do this

Your sister certainly is clever, she knows just how to exploit your guilt.

£20,000 in one year is insane.

Seriously just tell your money is tied up now and you can't lend her anymore.

How much has she leached off your parents, your brother, yourself and more than likely other friends and family in total??? And I use the word leach because that’s what she’s doing!!! She needs telling NO as you aren’t helping her long term and she hasn’t paid any of this £££ back to anyone has she?!!!