AIBU to stop being the person my sister turns to when she needs money?

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I lost all sympathy with your sister when she openly said she was borrowing money from you just to buy herself nice things to cheer herself up. There are many, many people who have much less than she does and have to make do without the nice things they might like to have. She works, she's been offered much cheaper accommodation which she turned down and I'm guessing her ex is paying the expenses for the DC who now live with him. Yes, life has not turned out as she must have hoped, but she still needs to get a grip and start sorting herself out. She will never face up to the necessity of doing that if she can simply turn to you and ask for money. You said she is intelligent and well-educated. The best and kindest thing you can do for her is not to give her yet more money, but help her to use that intelligence and education to reshape her life.

You both lived a very fortunate and privileged life, but you grew up and she didn’t. It’s time for her to stop expecting everyone else to look after her, and it is ok to tell her you can’t finance her anymore

I think this is spot on. It holds the boundary, it is kind and it is pragmatic. Really great advice @HelpfulHelena ❤️

I get what you are saying @CleanSkin, and it's a kind approach that I think it would work if the sums weren't so large and so ongoing.
It would mean OP saying she won't give her any more money whilst giving her another £5k - I don't think it would do more than buying a bit more time before the next request.

@PoisedSheep You say that your parents and your brother have all stopped giving her money and that you are now the only person that does.
Why is that?

You don't have to compensate someone because you have worked hard to have a successful life. Your sister has the opportunity (that many don't get) to move into a rent free house courtesy of your parents which would substantially help her improve her solvency. But its a completely lame excuse to then say I don't want to live there but I do want you to pay off my debts and give me another £5k for life's luxuries.

I hate to say this but every pound you give her is a pound taken away from your children... their future house deposit, or wedding, or medical needs and your own retirement or emergency savings. You are doing well now but your fighting fund has been mightily depleted if either your or Dh lose their jobs or god forbid have a serious issue of some kind.

You are not responsible for your sister's predicament, but she is making YOU entirely responsible for the supposed cure.. and that is not right. More money isn't really going to help her. You mentioned the kind of sisterly relationship ideal that you would love to have with her. That will NEVER happen until she sorts herself out. Why do you feel so guilty when you are paying through the nose everytime she sticks her hand out.

I actually think and hope it doesn't offend that you would get some benefit from speaking to a counsellor about this and how to deal with the situation. Clearly there's many ways you could support her and have done, without paying over such large sums... £25 tax free in six months if you give in to the latest demand. On top of her salary? That's a lot of money for a single person in employment. ( It does sound like there's an underlying addiction there, whether its drugs, or shopping or something)

You said " I also don't want to punish her for having a difficult life. That's what makes saying no so difficult."
Think carefully about where the idea came from that you personally, her kind and loving sister who gives her large sums of money to help her out of debt, is literally punishing her, because she has had a difficult life. Why do you think that You are punishing her if you don't give her the money.
It's understandable that people can have difficult lives through no fault of their own, but that is also through no fault of yours. The current scenario comes across as "If you don't give me the luxuries I crave, you are punishing me." Is that what you think or the vibe you are getting from her? Luxuries are so ephemeral, meaningless. It would be different if she was asking for funds to take on a new course that would improve her employment income. There is a quote about giving someone a fish feeds them for a day, teaching them to fish feeds them for life... and I would equate this demand for luxuries with that. Luxuries will only solve her insecurities for a very short time before they surge back again.

You CANNOT change or fix her "difficult life" only she can do that. What she's doing at the moment is guilt tripping and draining, the one person who wants to help her, dry with incessant demands and I think her asks in the last six months qualify for that, but you said you'd helped her continuously over the years.

Also.. in terms of difficult, you've said she had a very very good start in life, an engaged family and parents, a good education, she's married and had children, although in later life things have not worked out, she's still employed and still has family around, and she is exceptionally lucky to have you. You didn't mention a serious health condition so I'm not sure I would describe that as the most difficult life that a person could have that would warrant her constant quest for you to give her hand outs.
It's being spoken about in terms of a great tragedy that she had so much promise and now she's got an ordinary job and is paid less than you. Is that really such a colossal trajedy? She's had a really good life in parts, its something many people have to deal with it and they just get on with it, without constantly bewailing the past and guilt tripping their relatives.
Rather than luxuries.. maybe she could also do with some therapy to help her tackle her demons and rebuild her relationship with her children.
I hope you can resolve this amicably. Perhaps speak to your parent's and brother about the situation. You sound like a very kind, loving person but I think your current situation with your sister needs a rethink.

Stop saying "lending"! Lending us where someone pays you back. She doesn't and you don't expect her to. You are just giving and she is just taking. Everyone else says no, so can you!

If I gave her £5k tomorrow my children wouldn't go without anything

Wrong Wrong Wrong! Unless you have millions to spare that is money you could be putting aside for your kids to avoid student debt, or have as house deposits. There is rarely such thing as spare money. And she's not even using it for worthwhile things just splurging on luxuries because she's depressed. Let me guess, she's still depressed so it didn't even work!

In the last year I've lent her just under £20,000.

OP I lost my job and had to rely on UC until I was able to find a new one.

I had my rent paid but then had £700 per month for me and my DC to live on - for CT, water, electric, food, clothes, transport etc
Thats less than £12k a year.

Your sister is on her own and needs to borrow £20k ON TOP of her wages.
(and now £5k more)

£20 here and there is one thing but she’s asking for thousands!!

I’d assume she is spending the money on drugs, gambling or perhaps giving it to men in some sense.

£20k in just over 6 months and no she wants another £5k? Even if you can afford it now, can you afford to bankroll her for the next 20 to 30 years (or longer?)

You are enabling her behaviour by constantly baling her out and this is absolutely not helping her. You can love someone and support them emotionally and spend time with them to show you care without you giving them money. You have to say no.

The fact that she has turned down a free house is crazy. This would really help her get her life back on track. You can only help people so much.

I think you phrased it really well when you said, "I can respect her right to make those choices while also deciding that I don't want to financially absorb the consequences of them."

You can be a supportive and loving sister without being responsible for her finances. Continually bailing her out when she has a job and is capable of working isn't helping her. It puts you in the role of parent. Offer to help her budget, be a friendly ear or shoulder to cry on, but tell her that things can't go on this way (financially).

Absolutely not.you have helped enough .Tell her you can no longer continue in this way and help her to get money advice . You have to be cruel to be kind .

I agree. Maybe not even as much as £5k for a final payment. Decide on an amount and tell her this is a gift but the absolutely last time you are giving her money. It will destroy your relationship if she is constantly indebted and you are questioning (even subconsciously) decisions she's making.

£20k in the last year?? I wouldn’t even entertain the idea of giving her more tbh.

"WhisperingHi · Today 18:10
You’ve missed out some crucial information.
Why have three serious relationships ended?
And why do her children want to live with dad? That’s an unusual choice.
Im wondering if she’s been incredibly unlucky or if she has a role to play in it all and actually, she needs to address that before she repeats it. Or spirals.
Yanbu, I think if feel the same way."

"NImumconfused · Today 18:43
It sounds to me like she's just never got her head round the fact that money has to be earned. You both got constant handouts while you were young (your family must have been seriously well off if they could casually fund you both to just travel for years!). So she has certain expectations of how life should be and what she's entitled to, and she has just continued expecting other people to pay for it. I wouldn't be surprised if her relationship issues have been at least in part related to overspending."

"HelpfulHelena · Today 17:03
Does she realise how much she has borrowed?
Id just tell her straight “look sis I know you’re in a tight spot, but I lent you £20k last year. I want to help - I really do - but I just can’t keep handing over cash. So I’m going to say no and I’m begging you to reconsider Mum’s offer to let you stay in their bungalow. If you like I’ll sit down and help you plan a budget. You could start to build some savings and then slowly repay me that £20k so at least if there is another crisis I’ve got my savings back.”

All this with bells on. It sounds like your sister has never really grown up. I actually think in some ways your family did you both a massive disservice paying for you just to wander the world for 2-3 years after uni but you obviously have your feet firmly on the ground and recognised the need to work and earn when your travels ended. But children living full time with their father, unless this has come about through his abuse of your sister, suggests some serious problems on your sister's part. It's hard because, as you say, it isn't just down to her but she is the common factor and her expectations and her spending habits are exacerbating her situation. She needs to start sorting herself out.

Your sister is an emotional spender. She may talk about feeling depressed but that will be situational depression not clinical depression. My mother is similar and I am now down 35K but that's over a period of 5 years. I had enough and said no to her last request for £7K over a year ago. I explained that most of my excess income was being directed elsewhere. I didn't say where or give any further explanation...but she gave me the petted lip and the death stare.
Please don't allow yourself to be emotionally and financially manipulated any longer. You are a kind person and deserve more.

I'm considering telling her that I won't lend her any more money. I'm happy to help her think through options, help with practical things, listen to her and obviously be there for her emotionally.

@PoisedSheep I think this is the best way forward. You've given her a lot of money-£20,000 this year isn't even the total amount as you gave her smaller sums previously. You've not being unkind; you've helped her a lot already. It probably would be a good idea for her to move into your parents' bungalow (at least for a while) and reduce her living costs.

FFS what a long rambling on. Your sister is like an alcoholic. You need to learn to say NO.

I also noticed this. Did your family make you feel like the less clever child @PoisedSheep?

Is your sister paying child support for her children? There must be a good reason why her kids don’t want to live with her and she’s been divorced twice. She sounds completely selfish and irresponsible.

She’s been offered free housing and refused it. That’s a good enough reason to not give her any more money. She’s not stupid and knows exactly how to manipulate you into coughing up cash. It’s time to stop.

Unfortunately by giving her money you are enabling her to continue to make bad choices and not necessarily face up to her situation. If you continue to give her handouts she has no incentive to get herself “sorted”. It sounds like it’s time to draw a line in the sand to help her face up to the reality of her situation. Your parents have a,so tried to help with the offer of the bungalow which would be a big financial support. Your parents have mention she has resisted therapy but perhaps you could suggest that rather than give her the cash you will fund some therapy to help her come to terms with the complex situation emotionally she must be in after failed marriages and her DC living full time with her ex. I know it sounds tough but perhaps it’s time to take a stance and not keep giving her handouts which effectively is what they are as the money is not being repaid.

No more. With the best intentions you are actually enabling her to avoid sorting herself out - its actually more loving to say no and offer other help. You may find if you switch off the flow she will have to make choices such as moving into the bungalow etc. That's a lot of money for a single person on top of their salary - where is it going? I think you are entitled to know and maybe then can help her in other ways. While you can afford it now things can always chage and you may need it for you, or your children in the future. Tough love needed

If i were you id say sorry sis, you've had £X off me so far and paid back £y. I cant afford to keep giving you money. You've had 20k off me this year alone.

Maybe if you give her the total she may see that you have done more than enough

Sorry, helping out in real need is one thing but funding a lifestyle she would quite like but can't afford is another.

Bluntly, you are being taken for a mug. She needs to get help for her depression and take steps to build a better life for herself. You facilitating shopping sprees is actually aiding her bad situation.

(Ponders fact that anyone would think it was a good idea, TBH)

Unfortunately when someone doesn’t have money, they have to live where is affordable for them, even if they don’t like it. Asking you to top up the lifestyle isn’t the answer. How much will you get to before you finally have enough or can’t do it anymore? 50k? 100k?
How she was as a child is irrelevant, you really can’t tell from a child how their life will turn out.

"I was fairly average academically and went to Durham in the mid-2000s"

This makes no sense. Durham doesn't admit average students.

My parents have also offered her their bungalow near where we grew up. It's currently empty, so she could move there and dramatically reduce her living costs while she works things out.
She's said no.And I completely understand that it's her decision. I don't think she should have to live somewhere she doesn't want to live just because it's financially sensible.

I do! Better to live in a rent-free, parent-owned bungalow (oh, the hardship!) than to continue indefinitely leaching £££ off her sister.

Are you SURE she doesn't have a raging drug habit?