AIBU to stop being the person my sister turns to when she needs money?

I havent read the while thread but you were ok being supported by family and arent willing to pay it forward? Just because your sister was supposed to be the clever one and you weren't?

Your money helps her to buy nice things which make her feel better

That is almost angering to me, after reading your original
post.

She has no incentive to help herself because you are enabling her not to.

Just because you can afford to give away £20k+ without expecting it back, that doesn’t mean someone else is entitled to that money. If you continue down this road, your sister will become more and more entitled, and resent you even more for cutting her off.

Put a stop to it now. That doesn’t mean you can’t help her with truly necessary expenses. But buying things to make herself feel better? Absolutely not. She isn’t fixing the problem and she has no need to.

I’m curious as to what your DH, your parents and brothers think about this? Assuming they all know.

Perhaps instead of giving her money, you could set some aside for her kids. Or even put some away to help her with a house deposit or something, that you only give her if she gets her act together.

I think you have been so very generous and an incredible sister to her, she’s lucky to have you. But she needs a different kind of help.

@PoisedSheep I think the expression you're looking for is "you have to be cruel to be kind".

Your sister needs to learn to live within her means.

£20,000 is more than some people earn in an entire year, and yet she has been given this on top of her own earnings.

You clearly feel bad that she has been through tough times, but three failed relationships is usually down to the person and the choices they are making.

Your sister needs to take a long hard look at her lifestyle choices and start making some positive changes. A better paid job. Or a cheaper property to rent.

What do you mean by "I don't think she should have to live somewhere she doesn't want to live just because it's financially sensible."
That's what 99% of the people do !!! We all live at places we can afford ... You are both entitled and out of touch !!

Ok as everyone says you are enabling not helping her, I have no idea why you feel so guilty that you end up just dishing out the money so I would suggest you get some help in working that out otherwise you are just going to keep going. You're not going to listen to strangers on the internet when she's guilt tripping you really!

Important questions:
Does she ever pay you back?
And what is the money actually going on?? You must be absolutely loaded if you can give £20 grand away without thinking about it! What on earth did she need that much money for?!!

You’re enabling her poor life choices by giving her money. You have to be cruel to be kind and leave her to resolve the issues she has with money herself, instead of having money on tap whenever she needs it.

Don't know whether others have said this as well, but the median annual salary for full time workers in 2025 was just under 40k (https://www.sage.com/en-gb/blog/average-salary-uk/). You gave your sister nearly half of that in the past 8 months.

It's really lovely of you, but how sustainable is this? Wouldn't she have to declare this as a gift for tax? In the Netherlands, she would have to pay taxes on gifts this large.

I mean, some groceries here and there and picking up the tab when you go out for dinner would be reasonable, but nearly 50% of the median salary?

The reason other family members have stopped giving her money is because they see it stems from some kind of pathological issue. The debt, trying to spend your way to happiness. All attempts at quick fixes. The harder road, taking the bungalow and making a change in her life, is rejected. Family can see she is not ready to make different choices yet and have stepped back. You should too.

Defo not unreasonable, can’t your parents help her? Did she tell you what the £5k is for?

I couldn’t imagine asking someone to give/lend me money to just do something ‘nice’

You are fuelling and enabling her behaviour.

She has to sort herself out going forward and subbing her lifestyle isn’t helping her.
Please don’t lend/ give her anymore money you aren’t doing her any favours.
Be kind but firm, the bank of ‘kind sister’ is now closed.

I have depression so I do understand buying nice things to try to cheer myself up, @PoisedSheep, but it doesn’t work. Short term there’s a dopamine hit, but it doesn’t fix anything in the long term.

Does your sister acknowledge how much you have lent her? Has she ever repaid anything, or even tried to?

I think it would be entirely reasonable of you to say you can’t lend her any more money. Sadly I also think you won’t be getting back most of the money you’ve already given her.

If she's anything like my brother, you not being able (or willing) to lend any more money will be the last time he speaks to you. My brother and I haven't spoken in over ten years after he ignored my attempts to stay in contact. He even ignored me at our father's funeral.

@PoisedSheep
I read it as though you'd given her £20k over a year but you've actually given her £20k over the past 7 months and now she wants another's £5k 😵‍💫

I'd be saying absolutely not, remind her how much she's had off you, surely any sane person wouldn't think this was sustainable.

"Sorry sis but over the past 7 months I've given you £20k, you'll understand that I can't keep this up, I've got my own family to think about so I'm going to have to say no to another £5k. Going forward please don't ask me for any more money, I cant help any further"

Then stick to it, it'll never end.

Offer to help her sort her life out but no more money.

If you don’t draw the line now it will kill your relationship, if it hasn’t already.

Frankly she needs to take the bungalow and make a payment plan to pay you back. Even if it’s long term. Does she have no pride?

someone needs to give her a bit of a kind but harsh reality check. Sadly sounds like she’s coasted for too long now. Interested to know why her relationships haven’t worked out.

She is taking massive advantage of you op. And you're letting her.

Shopping, gambling, drugs ?
She is addicted to something and you sre st some point enabling not helping. You sound kind . Boundaries are important

You both had a good upbringing, except you worked as an adult and didn't expect handouts. She's taking the piss. £20k is a huge amount of money that could make a big difference to the life of your kids in the future (even if you don't 'need' it).

This is absolute insanity. She's taking you for a fool and you are letting her.

It’s quite telling that your parents and brother have stopped “lending” her money. I wonder why?

She should move to the bungalow. Sounds like she wants a certain lifestyle with you paying for it.

Had it been tiny amounts or irregularly I’d have had a different answer but no, sorry, she needs to figure life out. 5000 is a one off everything’s falling apart request, or maybe if she’d only asked for help to get her divorce, but all those amounts mean she doesn’t plan at all, just constantly gets money from you instead

"Because I can respect her right to make those choices while also deciding that I don't want to financially absorb the consequences of them."

This. Tell her that. And as you say, you may well be happy to pay for things that help her move forward e.g. education, moving costs to the bungalow so she can save, counselling etc. but you can't see an end to the act of just giving her cash.

You do have the option of gently explaining that until she repays the money she already owes (and stress there is no deadline), you and your family cannot justify increasing that debt further as you have your own expenses and savings to think about. Your own situation could change drastically for all you know.

Best of luck

£20k is a part time salary! And it’s not a whole year either! I’m sorry but she has made her own choices including staying where she is VS reducing her living costs. It’s hard to see someone struggle but she has to help herself - reduce her outgoings, counselling, and finding stability for her kids. You sending £5k for her to blow is not going to help!

To be honest, she sounds as though she’s spending to make herself feel better. I suffered with depression for years and I used to do this, a quick short term fix for a much bigger problem. I came out of it in the end but only after a lot of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and some pretty strict budgeting help.

my advice would be not to suddenly cut her off financially, but tell her that you going to have to set a limit on how much you are prepared to give her (because let’s face it, you aren’t going to get it back) and she must look into some sort of counselling and demonstrating that she’s at least willing to learn some money management skills or get someone to help her manage her money better. If she says no, or says yes and then doesn’t do it, then she’s had fair warning. It’s harsh, but sometimes it’s needed.

YABU here .You are kind hearted but DS is taking advantage of you. 20k is a decent amount for DC as they go to Uni or need help as they get older. Say you need your money and dont apologise .Your parents bungalow would be a good place to start!

She's taking the piss out of you