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Original poster

Struggling with being my friends only support

96 replies

TheBolans · 11/09/2026 15:16

I made a post last month about my friends mum who was in hospital at the time. She has now died and I’m trying to be there for my friend. We don’t live anywhere near each other. We are a 3 hour drive away or 4 hours on the train. My friend doesn’t have any other support at all, only me. She has no other family, apart from her sister who she doesn’t get along with, and she has very few friends. The friends that she does have are in other cities and she isn’t close to them like she is with me.

She has asked me to go to her mums funeral with her as she won’t have any support with her while she’s there. She’s made it very clear that she will feel much better with me there and text me to say “I am anxious that you won’t be able to come” the problem that I have is that I only have 2 days left of annual leave. I was saving them to book a long weekend away in December with my partner, but in this situation I would be willing to use them to support her through her mums funeral. However, we crashed our car a few weeks ago and currently don’t have one so I would only be able to get there via train which is £140. I thought of trying to borrow the money, but I’m not sure who from as none of my family really have a spare £140, we aren’t a very well off family and to me, £140 for train tickets is extremely expensive. I do feel selfish for caring about having to give up my annual leave and spend such a large amount of money on the train. But I feel that in her position, I really should do all I can to support her, so I am seeing what I can do to go. I have put the AL request in at work but my other colleague is also off that week and usually only one of us can be off at a time, so I’m not even sure if it will be approved. I was thinking I can explain the situation to my boss, then he may let me take just one day. Should I be doing all I can to be there on this day, or is it ok for me to tell her it’s not feasible due to work and finances? I feel so torn because I truly truly want to be there but it’s coming at a cost to me, especially because I suffer with chronic fatigue from a heart condition, and getting the train there in the morning to then spend all day being emotional support is going to affect me. But then I feel awful for thinking about myself when she is in a worse position and really needs me?!

Secondly, she texts me and calls me every day. She unloads onto me all of the time, because she has no one else. During work my phone will be flashing with a stream of texts from her, at home when I’m with my partner after a long day, she will be calling me in tears and I’ll be on the phone with her for two hours. This is expected and I understand and don’t resent her at all, I am glad that she finds it helpful to talk to me, but i can’t pretend that it isn’t hard to be someone’s only form of support every day whilst also dealing with my own life. She has text me today about her sister again, she tells me everything her sister has done and said and I don’t know how to respond anymore. It’s weighing me down but then I feel like the most awful human because she’s going through the worst time of her life and I feel like I shouldn’t feel like this. I think I’m a bad person and a bad friend and I don’t know what is reasonable to feel and what isn’t.

Could I please have some advice on how to handle being her only support and how I keep dealing with this without it affecting me? I feel like in this situation I can’t really have boundaries because I need to step up and be there for her in her time of need. But also I can’t just put my own life and feelings and finances and health issues on hold or to the side. But if I don’t, I feel like I’m abandoning her. My heads all over the place!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBolans · 12/09/2026 08:48

ShutteredUp · 12/09/2026 08:35

This. I mean, the OP has only met this person a few times, and is essentially an unpaid 24/7 support person for someone unhappy, unemployed and not coping. There’s no mention of fun, mutual interests, liking — all the things that are part and parcel of el of an actual friendship.

OP, if this ‘friend’ stopped contacting you, would you be relieved?

Show quote history

I know, our friendship has lost all of that now. It’s just constantly problems. We never talk about anything nice or normal. I did actually bring that up too, but she said she finds it hard to pretend with me. Like if she’s feeling really down or depressed, she finds it hard to just pretend that everything is ok and talk about normal things. But it just doesn’t make for a particularly enjoyable friendship. But I do still care about her and care about how she feels. If she stopped contacting me I would be relieved. But I’d miss how she used to be and the “friendship” we used to have. Putting it in quotations because it’s more of an online friendship so not really the same as having someone close by who you see often and do things with etc

OP posts:
User454545454546565 · 12/09/2026 08:42

Take control of the messaging / phoning situation. Put her on mute and set to no notifications during the day. Speak to her a couple of times a week or however often feels comfortable to you, but on your terms, not hers.

The funeral: tell her you need to have a chat about that. Say you're in a difficult position because of health, money or whatever else. She's supposed to be a friend. Your life is just as important as hers.

If she responds angrily then it's just further proof she needs mh support that you can't give.

I've put these boundaries in place with an anxious (but not quite so anxious) friend and actually they have worked really well, so it really depends what kind of person she is and whether you want to continue being a friend. At the moment it doesn't sound like a friendship because it's all one-way.

ShutteredUp · 12/09/2026 08:35

TheBolans · 12/09/2026 08:27

Thank you, I see a lot of people are of the same opinion now that I shouldn’t go. I agree that if it were the other way around, I wouldn’t be asking her to come to my mums. But that’s because I have siblings and family who I am close to, and a fiance and other friends. I do feel like she could’ve at least said something like “I know this is a lot to ask, and don’t worry if you can’t, I understand” but wanted to ask anyway just in case I can make it, fine. But it’s the fact that she’s asked and is then telling me she’s anxious in case I can’t come. I feel like it’s putting pressure on me and making me feel guilty. Someone further up said it sounds like I am friends with her because I feel sorry for her. At first it wasn’t, but at this point it is. But I also have a lot of empathy and feel like if I can make her feel better by being there, then isn’t that what a friend should do? But then also why is the responsibility on me to make her feel better? Whatever I choose feels like the wrong choice tbh

Edited
Show quote history

But do you even like her?

ShutteredUp · 12/09/2026 08:35

Netcurtainnelly · 11/09/2026 16:22

She's got no family, no friends. No job, no car. Why is all this your problem?
She needs some more friends and support.. perhaps it's time things changed.

Show quote history

This. I mean, the OP has only met this person a few times, and is essentially an unpaid 24/7 support person for someone unhappy, unemployed and not coping. There’s no mention of fun, mutual interests, liking — all the things that are part and parcel of el of an actual friendship.

OP, if this ‘friend’ stopped contacting you, would you be relieved?

CillianMurphyhasbeautifuleyes · 12/09/2026 08:31

TheBolans · 12/09/2026 08:27

Thank you, I see a lot of people are of the same opinion now that I shouldn’t go. I agree that if it were the other way around, I wouldn’t be asking her to come to my mums. But that’s because I have siblings and family who I am close to, and a fiance and other friends. I do feel like she could’ve at least said something like “I know this is a lot to ask, and don’t worry if you can’t, I understand” but wanted to ask anyway just in case I can make it, fine. But it’s the fact that she’s asked and is then telling me she’s anxious in case I can’t come. I feel like it’s putting pressure on me and making me feel guilty. Someone further up said it sounds like I am friends with her because I feel sorry for her. At first it wasn’t, but at this point it is. But I also have a lot of empathy and feel like if I can make her feel better by being there, then isn’t that what a friend should do? But then also why is the responsibility on me to make her feel better? Whatever I choose feels like the wrong choice tbh

Edited
Show quote history

Ask yourself what would she do if it were the other way round?
And that’s your answer.

Original poster
TheBolans · 12/09/2026 08:27

CillianMurphyhasbeautifuleyes · 11/09/2026 18:43

My mum died recently and I’d have been horrified if any of my friends had planned to make a 3 or 4 hour trip to come to the funeral!
I’d have appreciated the thought, but would have told them to stay home.

Thank you, I see a lot of people are of the same opinion now that I shouldn’t go. I agree that if it were the other way around, I wouldn’t be asking her to come to my mums. But that’s because I have siblings and family who I am close to, and a fiance and other friends. I do feel like she could’ve at least said something like “I know this is a lot to ask, and don’t worry if you can’t, I understand” but wanted to ask anyway just in case I can make it, fine. But it’s the fact that she’s asked and is then telling me she’s anxious in case I can’t come. I feel like it’s putting pressure on me and making me feel guilty. Someone further up said it sounds like I am friends with her because I feel sorry for her. At first it wasn’t, but at this point it is. But I also have a lot of empathy and feel like if I can make her feel better by being there, then isn’t that what a friend should do? But then also why is the responsibility on me to make her feel better? Whatever I choose feels like the wrong choice tbh

OP posts:
GreenHats · 11/09/2026 21:58

Grumpyoldcat · 11/09/2026 19:30

She is your friend. Your work should give ypu compassionate leave. You must go.

This is very naive, I wasn’t able to get approval for a day’s holiday to go to a cousin’s funeral when I had plenty of holiday days available. Compassionate leave policy’s are very specific what degree of relation is covered and would rarely cover anything other than immediate relative. I can’t imagine there is any organisation that would give compassionate leave for the funeral of a person you’ve never met, especially when a couple of days are required.

OP I had a friend like this, I would spend hours supporting her on the phone. The very first time I didn’t do as she wanted she dropped me very abruptly. This is a good time to say no and see what happens.

pasturesgreen · 11/09/2026 19:43

OP, you doesn't sound like a bad friend at all. The fact you're putting so much thought into making this work (and I think you'd be mad to borrow the money for the train fare) shows you're a caring and compassionate friend.
It's just not feasible. Four hours on the train, plus the expanse, your health issues, the annual leave...any reasonable person would understand why you can't make it.
Going forward, your friend probably needs to look into counselling or other support options, as keeping you on the phone for hours every night isn't sustainable in the long term.

30DegreesHighAndRising · 11/09/2026 19:41

Oh dear, unfortunately you've fallen into an unhealthy relationship which isn't helping either of you. You've met in-person a handful of times? She's not your friend, she's a contact in your phone book.

Have you heard of the drama triangle? I advise reading up on it and reflecting on your role as rescuer. Be aware that people who see themselves as victims often have narcissistic personality traits and will never consider your own needs, so you must be very firm yourself.

www.mindtools.com/ahqeqk3/managing-conflict-with-the-karpman-drama-triangle/

As to the funeral, tell her today that you unfortunately can't attend. You can tell her it's due to annual leave or just say no without explaining. I feel that the first time you say no to her, you'll discover why her previous friends have disappeared. Look after yourself and prioritise your own family.

NorthFacingGardener · 11/09/2026 19:39

OP you sound like a lovely caring person. But she’s not a friend… she’s using you as a free therapist and not giving much back in return. I bet if you started telling her about your health issues etc and talked about yourself she wouldn’t be very interested.

If I were you I would go to the funeral, as you have agreed to. But only if you can find a manageable and affordable way. And then take a massive step back.

Turn off notifications on WhatsApp and only read and reply to her messages once a day at a time convenient for you. Don’t take her calls unless it is convenient, and set a time limit like 30 mins max. You’ve let this go on for far too long, time to get your life back.

outerspacepotato · 11/09/2026 19:31

You've only met in person a few times. She's not someone you're close to in your real life.

She sounds needy and like someone who's latched onto you and has unreasonable expectations of you. You live a distance away and she wants you at her mom's funeral. You have financial issues and only a couple days leave left. You'd have to pass on a holiday with your partner to go to this funeral. Your partner is present in your real life, your friend isn't. Time to tell her you can't get leave and distance yourself.

It also sounds like she might be looking for a place to stay if she's making noises about being homeless and friendless and you'll end up with her on your doorstep if you don't put boundaries on place.

I think you need to put up strong boundaries here and if she tries to pull a guilt trip, refer her to therapy.

Grumpyoldcat · 11/09/2026 19:30

She is your friend. Your work should give ypu compassionate leave. You must go.

OsfameronTanamoril · 11/09/2026 19:28

She's an online friend! I would not go!

OsfameronTanamoril · 11/09/2026 19:27

Bloody hell! This is exactly.why people should have more than 1 friend!

whippersnapper55 · 11/09/2026 19:19

You sound like a kind person but it's unfair and unhealthy for your friend to rely on you so heavily. I would strongly suggest that you put some boundaries in place and cut back on the extended phone calls and don't reply to every message. You can say you were busy working or out with your partner. A real friend will understand that you have other things going on in your life - unfortunately your friend sounds like an emotional vampire and she will suck you dry!

Be up front and tell her you won't be able to come to her mum's funeral - just say you weren't able to get the time off work. If she tries to emotionally blackmail you by telling you she has no-one else, you need to pull back from her. Friendships are a two way street where you both support each other, not a dictatorship.

CillianMurphyhasbeautifuleyes · 11/09/2026 18:43

My mum died recently and I’d have been horrified if any of my friends had planned to make a 3 or 4 hour trip to come to the funeral!
I’d have appreciated the thought, but would have told them to stay home.

xGoGox · 11/09/2026 18:28

Christ on a bike. Drop this drain from your life and move on! Friends, JUST LIKE PARTNERS, are meant to enhance your life. There’s zero point to this online friendship.

BMW58 · 11/09/2026 18:17

OP you are not in a position to help her physically or to this degree emotionally. You are not well enough yourself.

You can't get time off nor can you afford the train fare to attend the funeral - it simply can't be done.

It's very odd that she has absolutely no one at all nearby to support her. Surely her Mum had some friends ? Some neighbours ?

Don't set yourself on fire to keep another person warm.

Oddlyfuller1 · 11/09/2026 18:11

How many times have you actually go together with her? And when you have done… what have you done? Gone where?

EekyBeaky37 · 11/09/2026 18:09

Nearly50omg · 11/09/2026 17:56

You are basically her unpaid therapist. I think you need to massively step back and be honest with her and tell her it’s too much and you aren’t her therapist you are her friend and have a life of your own and 2 hours a day on the phone a day is ridiculous! The reason she has no one else is because she uses them !! She is too much and it’s all ones sided this “friendship ” and I da guarantee if you needed the same amount of support she would not be there for you and she would still make everything about her!!

This

When I cut sown on listening to a similar sounding friend to this and they realised I was no longer listening/responding to everything, they suddenly stopped needing me as much. I felt used and massively resentful. I had been used as an unpaid therapist but I had allowed it, I was obviously getting something from the interactions
You are already resenting her or I feel you wouldn't have posted. If you go to the funeral , taking time away from your family you will resent her more.

KnickerlessParsons · 11/09/2026 17:58

TheBolans · 11/09/2026 15:29

I know, I feel awful thinking it. She is an online friend who I met when I was in my early 20s. We have only met up in person a few times but she really values my friendship, I guess because she doesn’t have anyone else.

Show quote history

Ah well, if she’s an online friend, I don’t think I’d go then.
it’s not your fault she doesn’t have any friends.

Nearly50omg · 11/09/2026 17:56

You are basically her unpaid therapist. I think you need to massively step back and be honest with her and tell her it’s too much and you aren’t her therapist you are her friend and have a life of your own and 2 hours a day on the phone a day is ridiculous! The reason she has no one else is because she uses them !! She is too much and it’s all ones sided this “friendship ” and I da guarantee if you needed the same amount of support she would not be there for you and she would still make everything about her!!

PurpleVine · 11/09/2026 17:51

you need to pull back. it's not healthy for either of you. you can't fix her and she can't expect you to.

tell her you are sorry but unfortunately you have asked but cannot get the time off work for the funeral. cost doesn't matter if you can't get the day off so you don't need to mention money.

stop replying to every message and every thing in every message. stop being available to speak every day. cut the time you spend down. i'm sorry marie that you're having such a tough time right now. i'm thinking of you. sorry but i do need to go now. i'll speak to you soon take care. then end the call.

also don't offer advice. oh dear that's a shame. oh i'm sorry that sounds horrible, i hope things get better soon. but don't try and fix things.

Wonkywalker · 11/09/2026 17:49

Health wise, if a train journey will exhaust you then won't a long car trip that is going to be incredibly stressful be equally exhausting and potentially unsafe? I know it would be for me.

I am afraid I agree with the many other posters - the living come first ( that means you - not your friend) and from what you have said I think you need your annual leave to relax and to help you manage your job rather than committing it to a friend who if they were a true friend would not ask this of you.

I would not ask this of you - and I am just an internet stranger who values your health and job security more than she does.

Ilikewinter · 11/09/2026 17:19

So you're willing to sacrifice your last 2 days of annual leave that you were keeping to spend time with your family at Christmas - in order to pay to rent a car, that you cant afford to do, for someone who lives 4 hours away, who has no friends or family because shes driven them all away....and who doesnt reciprocate your level of friendship, because of .... what? - you feel guilty that your last person she can rely on?? .
I really hope you put yourself and your family first OP, this person isn't what I would call a good friend.