AIBU to refuse becoming my mother-in-law's carer by proxy?

She is talking about expecting me to do things like taking MIL to appointments, cleaning her house, organising personal care, buying and preparing food for her

So, what's actually left? She sounds like she wants you to do all of it.

Sorry, not your parent, you don't have to be forced into anything, even with your own parents. Why is she not organising carers more? She could get a live in carer if MIL has some savings.

Just carry on supporting hubby. Hopefully your husband can explain things and get her to calm down.

You should not be helping your MIL as you have your own responsibilities. Neither should you be doing more of the chores at home. Your husband should be looking after his own children. Your SIL is tying to do too much but she doesn’t get to decide what every one else does. Paid carers need to be brought in. If MIL does not want paid carers in then things should be allowed to fail. My own mother only agreed to carers because no one else would do these things.

Can I ask does anyone on here expect their children to clean their house, do personal care or prepare their meals when they get older? I don’t think many do. As I have said on MN many times, I love my adult children. I want them to enjoy their lives. We have already had discussions. My children have said they will organise care, taxis, cleaners etc but they will not do the work.

Before you push back, remember SiL is grieving her Mum’s illness and worried, as well as doing the same as you- looking after her household and working.

That doesn’t mean you have to become MiL’s carer, just that you recognise it’s easy for the conversation to go badly.

Would it be possible for you to do some appointments occasionally, and your husband not totally abandon home responsibilities? That would make her feel like she was better supported, even if in practice it’s no extra.

Does she have a husband….what is he doing ?

I think you are getting her hurt, fear and rage not that it excuses her. Send a text saying, I know this is a difficult time for the family but I do not respond to threats, so please contact DH in future.

2026, married for 9 months and your DH is excused but you get rage and threats because you won't do the women's work. I agree with the above poster, your DH needs to step up and tell his sister you are not responsible and to back off.

Does the mother have carers? You can organise cleaning via an agency and meals on wheels. You can also organise private palliative care nurses - it's not cheap but it's an option.

Is there a cultural expectation here?
What is BIL doing to help with MIL's personal care, appointments, shopping etc?
Has MIL had an adult social services and palliative care review? Maybe she is able to get more support than currently receiving. I'm assuming she is living at home?

DH doesn’t need to do his sisters bidding never mind you, his new wife with plenty of your own responsibilities. If she’s got a partner how much is he/she doing for MIL? Block her now and tell DH to handle her himself. She might be frightened and sad but she’s bang out of order focussing it on you.

When your step kids are in your own they’re primarily there to see their dad so I don’t think it’s fair or reasonable he’s offloading their care to you. This could go on for longer than you think. He’ll have to manage the varying demands on his time and energy as all parents do. When he’s got his kids he can’t be in two places at once. Your kids need you and shouldn’t be sidelined because you’re always juggling all the kids because DH is away with his mother.

So basically block her, refuse to have anything to do with her while she’s in ragey mode as it’s not helping anyone.

Tell her to F off! That’s ridiculous- if she needs that much help they need to book some carers!

I read it as he had constraints, they spoke as a couple and now the OP has taken on pretty much all the household and parenting duties. But the SIL still wants more.

Your husband should have corrected her. Keep as much peace as the SiL is.

I agree with what a previous poster said, tell her to get her boyfriend/spouse to do what she's demanding of you, and block her, of course.

In my opinion, no-one is obligated to care for their direct relatives, leave alone those of their family members. It sounds like you are definitively doing your bit supporting your DH and his children, and trying to maintain some degree of normality so that his children's lives are not completely derailed by their grandmother's illness. They need the stability and consistency you are providing. You can't do that, financially provide for the blended family and manage your own health condition alongside coaching an extra house and taking your MIL to appointments. Your SIL in all likelihood knows she's being totally unreasonable at heart but is lashing out, I would gently call her out for the lashing out and that you're supporting so that DH and his DC are kept as well as they can be in the circumstances. Terminal illness is unpredictable, and it could be that MIL is in this phase for a brief time or a more extended period, and wider family life has to continue, in various forms including bringing in money and keeping well.
Best wishes for this very challenging period.

It is not your responsibility to be MIL carer. That is for your husband and his sister to sort out - paid carers exist with Attendance Allowance to help support. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to take over some of the tasks at home. My DH does things like water my plants when I go to sort out my DMs care.

Ignore DHs sister. Maybe she is stressed, understandable but not your problem to solve.

This is not your responsibility. The end!
I’m having similar issues about what others expect from me. Just don’t respond to her and support your husband at home.

@RatsCatsandPuppies Ask her what her husband / partner is doing by way of taking MIL to appointments, cleaning her house, organising personal care, buying and preparing food for her
Just because you are female it does not land on you

Of course it's not your responsibility. It could be that your SIL is scared and lashing out.

Have you told her what you said above about your lack of capacity to do this?

Your dh need to speak to his sister and tell her the responsibility for his mother is his and hers. Not yours.

in the meantime I would block her so she can’t contact you