AIBU to refuse becoming my mother-in-law's carer by proxy?

It's sounds like a good thing if SIL never speaks to you again.

Agreed.

Are you sure it's 3 months? Have DH talked to her doctors? Attended ant meetings? Seen anything in writing?

If my MIL had 3 months left I would do everything to make sure DH had time for her but I would insist on bringing in carers.
Few families can manage 3 months of end-of-life care. It is exhausting.

lol you have a DH problem

he has played a blinder - you are doing everything at home, his sister is doing everything for MiL!

Tell SIL that the jobs should be divided 50:50 between her and db - her half of the hospital visits and chores is done by her and her dh, the rest by db and you.

Anything you can’t manage, you’ll have to outsource.

I do have sympathy for SIL. It’s awful when your sibling doesn’t notice all the jobs that need doing and leaves you with the mental as well as 90% of the work!

She’s not your mother!!!!!

Would you really care if your SIL doesn’t speak to you again ? Next time she contacts you, reply and tell her she needs to contact her brother re their mum’s needs and care and after that don’t reply to any further messages or calls.

Does this SIL have children of her own?

I'd message her and show compassion, but be firm that my priorities HAVE TO BE my work, my own parents, my children and step-children, and that I have no choice in this. I'd tell her that my duty to my husband's family is agreed between my husband and me and nobody else.

If she wants your DH to do more, she should take it up with him.

She's lashing out at you, unfairly.

To be honest if my Dh did this when my mum was dying I'd have been disgusted with him so I don't think it is very good advice.

As it stood me and my siblings had a very good handle on what needed to be done and we all got on with it (funnily enough all women though!), DH silently and without being asked covered everything that needed to be done at home, but if he walked out the room when discussion were happening and left a whatsapp group because he might be asked to do something and it 'wasn't his job', I'd have thought he was a right selfish prick.

Who the hell does she think she is to tell you what your priorities and capabilities are? I was reading Etsy you'd written and your list got longer and longer, working full time, children etc, you must be stretched already. She's trying to emotionally blackmail you. Your DH needs to speak to her. Good luck, sounds like their maybe some falling out ahead. She's completely unreasonable.
They need professional carers and it'll take time to find the right ones and get that set up so they should get a move on. Good luck.

I’d send her the following message
”Dear SIL, I appreciate that your mum is very ill and you’re naturally worried, but I find your threats to me unacceptable. I will do whatever I can to support DH in helping with his mum however I have to put my children and own elderly parents first.”

Tell her to fuck off! She is being ridiculous.

The children should be the priority. Absolutely do not cancel their lives to facilitate SIL’s ideas.
You say two months, but equally this could go on for an extended period of time, years even. Do not start doing anything you’re not happy to do. Get professional carers in is the best way.

Im assuming SIL is your MIL daughter so therefor tell her all that youve said here that shes not your mum that you dont have time and she needs to discuss with her brother as you and husband both work full time and you dont have any more time than he does , then say how you raise your kids and their clubs isnt her business and your step childrens clubs are nothing to do with you so speak to her brother......just keep out of its its between MIL children not you

Is your husband doing as much to care for his DM as his sister and her family? I suspect not. Your SIL is probably fed up of your DH not stepping up to the plate.

If it were me I would start exiting any conversations about MILs care. If they start talking about it, excuse yourself and go to another room. If SIL asks you to do something for MIL just say well I’ll leave it for you (SIL and DH) to sort. Dont commit yourself to the conversation and don’t comment, don’t commit to anything.

if there is a WhatsApp group for it just leave.

and speak to your DH and say you know what is expected of you in the home with the step children etc and leave it at that.

You are not responsible for your mother's care, but neither is your husband and neither is his sister. Maybe you'd all be better off combining to bring in professional carers, or arrange care home - and the patient herself would also have the safety and care that she needs.

If the MIL genuinely only has a couple of months left to live, then I cant see why a few things can’t go on hold.

I’m wondering how many years you’ve been together before getting married? If it’s a fair few years then maybe SIL thinks you are family.

Everyone should be doing their bit, the men included. The poor woman is dying and you all can’t go back and do this over.

Indeed. Especially when she has sole care of her step children so their dad can be there for his mum!

Your DH needs to deal with this.

You need to ignore SIL and your husband needs to deal with his sister.

She is talking about expecting me to do things like taking MIL to appointments, cleaning her house, organising personal care, buying and preparing food for her.

I'm probably biased here because IME women tend to be the ones expected to just get on with these tasks and automatically know what to do, while men are often given a free pass to carry on as normal.. it's part of the 'not seeing the mess' type of situation, they don't get involved unless they are told what to do and when, so it's easier for women to just get on with it themselves, while internally seething.. it may be why SIL is (unfairly) gunning for you.

So I'd be interested in what your relationship dynamic is and what DH is actually like at home, and if he is actually stepping up and doing his part to help his mum while you pick up the slack at home or not? Or is he causing his sister more trouble than he's worth, it's quite telling that this situation is developing between you and her and he seems to be staying out of it.. maybe it is a pattern.

The responsibility doesn't fall to you specifically, but if my PIL are ill or in trouble, I will absolutely get stuck in, I see it as a family issue and a time to pull together, not my DH's "problem" to sort out, I would not take kindly to my SIL bossing me about, but I would also look sideways at someone refusing to help out because "it's not their job".

She is right to a certain extent though, carrying on 'as normal' is quite jarring when a family member is dying, once they are gone they are gone, having been through this twice, IMO anything that can be put on hold really should while this situation is dealt with.

This

Supporting your spouse at home to free up time is a normal level of support. It’s not healthy for any of you to burn yourselves to the ground. Hired help exists and MILs resources should be used for this purpose at end of life.

Sorry you are going through this. Its fair enough for her to expect your dh and sil to split your mil's care 50/50, hopefully the majority isn't falling on her. Its fair for you to take on the extra at your home to enable him to do the 50/50. Its very unreasonable of her to expect you to run about.

You need to be really firm.

“SIL I am being really clear here, I am really sad that MIL isn’t well but I simply cannot do this for her. As you know I work full time, have children and my own elderly parents. It is not appropriate for you to keep asking me to take over MIL’s care and I am not going to be able to take it on. I will ask DH to speak to you about working through a solution but I think this is something you need to sort out the two of you.”

Separately, your DH needs to discuss a long term solution with her. Has she got carers? Attendance allowance? Can she go into a home, even for a short period. He needs to work out a solution with his sister.