AIBU to refuse becoming my mother-in-law's carer by proxy?

To be honest OP, it does sound like your DH is leaving all the hard work to his sister, she seems to be doing the bulk of the care, medical appointments, the cleaning, the washing and the food, while he sorts 'the admin' it's no wonder she is getting frustrated at him and is now approaching you to see if you'll pitch in.

I sympathise with her to be honest, the one closest in proximity is normally the one doing all the thankless tasks, it can be exhausting, she has expressed this to your DH and he is basically ignoring it from the sounds of it, he isn't really pushing himself as he has asked you to take over his role in your household, so what is he actually doing?

It sounds they need to sit down together and work it out properly, him expecting her to do all that is a piss take, has he looked at getting a cleaner or getting someone to sort meals, or transport, or any of the things his sister is doing single handedly? are you able to do a small part of it, like cooking some extra when you make meals to put in her freezer when he goes at the weekend etc?

I'd be pitching in if it was my MIL, I certainly wouldn't be saying it's not my job or my problem, but you shouldn't be having to do things that your DH could do himself.

I completely take what you’re saying on board, and perhaps me phrasing it as “admin” wasn’t helpful. As an example, last weekend because SIL had been popping in during the week, I then looked after all four kids for the weekend so that DH could travel to MIL (we live two hours away), where he stayed for the whole weekend to spend time with her and caring for her, sorting things out at the house etc. SIL was then out doing other things over the weekend with friends as DH had taken over.

SIL is with MIL more frequently but DH is more likely to be there for longer periods of time at weekends or when he has time off work. I genuinely don’t know how else it can be organised when one sibling lives 5 mins away on foot and the other lives a two hour drive away? None of us are in a position where we can be taking extended periods of time off work.

If it's the case that you are a two hour drive away, then I don't think you need to worry about becoming a carer by proxy. It's not achievable to do four hours of driving for regular drs appointments for example, is it? It sounds more like SIL is drowning in the everyday care & is venting, and if nothing changes she may become unwell herself. Can you not pay for cleaners, laundry service, or meal service & discuss paid carers if necessary?

Yes I realised I hadn’t answered about whether there is a BIL and what he’s doing. SIL is dating someone, but it’s not that serious. They tend to only see each other at the weekend, sometimes just alternate weekends. He has only met MIL once or twice so far, and isn’t really involved in this situation at all.

I completely take what you’re saying on board, and perhaps me phrasing it as “admin” wasn’t helpful. As an example, last weekend because SIL had been popping in during the week, I then looked after all four kids for the weekend so that DH could travel to MIL (we live two hours away), where he stayed for the whole weekend to spend time with her and caring for her, sorting things out at the house etc. SIL was then out doing other things over the weekend with friends as DH had taken over.

SIL is with MIL more frequently but DH is more likely to be there for longer periods of time at weekends or when he has time off work. I genuinely don’t know how else it can be organised when one sibling lives 5 mins away on foot and the other lives a two hour drive away? None of us are in a position where we can be taking extended periods of time off work.

Sounds like the key issue is there more caring to be done than time available between SIL and DH. The key should therefore be putting external support in place. Carers to come over however many times a day as is needed. They can do the washing, personal care, food.

I completely take what you’re saying on board, and perhaps me phrasing it as “admin” wasn’t helpful. As an example, last weekend because SIL had been popping in during the week, I then looked after all four kids for the weekend so that DH could travel to MIL (we live two hours away), where he stayed for the whole weekend to spend time with her and caring for her, sorting things out at the house etc. SIL was then out doing other things over the weekend with friends as DH had taken over.

SIL is with MIL more frequently but DH is more likely to be there for longer periods of time at weekends or when he has time off work. I genuinely don’t know how else it can be organised when one sibling lives 5 mins away on foot and the other lives a two hour drive away? None of us are in a position where we can be taking extended periods of time off work.

Thanks so much everyone for the really helpful replies and questions.

for those of you saying “is your DH really doing his fair share to look after his mum with his sister”, I think that’s a fair question. I’d say the split is probably around 50% but they are doing different things and in different ways. So for example SIL who leaves nearby, works at home and doesn’t have kids is more likely to pop in on an evening and take some food round or washing home. DH who lives further away, works unsocial hours with limited ability to contact him whilst working (think along the lines of surgeon - unpredictable hours and he’s not contactable), and has kids, is more likely to spend the weekend there and do the admin that can be done remotely. SIL has been doing more conversations with doctors, DH has been doing anything related to her finances, sorting power of attorney etc.

At home he usually does everything for his kids who are with us 40%, so I don’t feel like I’m the classic “nanny with a fanny” here, and I don’t think there’s a pattern of him shirking generally.

I can totally accept that they need to agree between them a split of things that they both feel is fair, and if she was just annoyed with him I could accept that. What I am finding hard to accept is that it’s being directed at me.

I also totally accept the fear, pain and grief will be making things complicated and that people are more likely to lash out. I would say there is a pattern of some controlling behaviour from SIL though, and have seen examples of similar behaviour coming out in other challenging situations in the past.

Tell her to F off! That’s ridiculous- if she needs that much help they need to book some carers!

Your dh need to speak to his sister and tell her the responsibility for his mother is his and hers. Not yours.

in the meantime I would block her so she can’t contact you

Looking for some views here, as I’m genuinely questioning myself and don’t know how to move forward from here.

Im recently married (only 9 months) to DH, and my MIL has sadly become very unwell - perhaps with only a few months left to live. SIL has taken issue with what she sees as an unfair split between what she is doing to support their mum and what my DH is doing. I can see both sides. DH believes he is doing everything he can within the constraints of his life, his sister sees it differently to that.

DH and I have talked a lot about how I can best support here, and he says the best way I can support is to take things off his plate at home (eg doing more jobs around the house, helping more with my step children when they would usually be with him/us) so that he can use that time to visit his mum and help out.

I’m absolutely fine with all of that, but the problem is my SIL seems to have totally focused all her rage on me and thinks that if DH can’t do the things she wants him to do, I should be stepping in to do them in his place. She is talking about expecting me to do things like taking MIL to appointments, cleaning her house, organising personal care, buying and preparing food for her. Her view is that everything in the lives of our children (both step children - her nieces - and my children) should go on hold (their hobbies, friends, birthdays should be “cancelled” etc) as MIL is more important. She’s very angry and sending me messages saying she will never speak to me again if I don’t “do my bit”.

I simply wouldn’t have the capacity to do everything she wants - I work full time, my own parents are elderly and infirm, I have 2 step children, 2 of my own children, and a serious health condition which I have to manage carefully.

Am I really responsible for providing my MIL with care as my husbands proxy? How on earth do I navigate this? I am trying really hard to keep the peace with everyone. But fundamentally I’m not prepared to deprioritise being a parent and if I get sick myself then I’ll be no good to anyone!

To be honest OP, it does sound like your DH is leaving all the hard work to his sister, she seems to be doing the bulk of the care, medical appointments, the cleaning, the washing and the food, while he sorts 'the admin' it's no wonder she is getting frustrated at him and is now approaching you to see if you'll pitch in.

I sympathise with her to be honest, the one closest in proximity is normally the one doing all the thankless tasks, it can be exhausting, she has expressed this to your DH and he is basically ignoring it from the sounds of it, he isn't really pushing himself as he has asked you to take over his role in your household, so what is he actually doing?

It sounds they need to sit down together and work it out properly, him expecting her to do all that is a piss take, has he looked at getting a cleaner or getting someone to sort meals, or transport, or any of the things his sister is doing single handedly? are you able to do a small part of it, like cooking some extra when you make meals to put in her freezer when he goes at the weekend etc?

I'd be pitching in if it was my MIL, I certainly wouldn't be saying it's not my job or my problem, but you shouldn't be having to do things that your DH could do himself.