AIBU to refuse becoming my mother-in-law's carer by proxy?

She’s batshit. Just say ‘I’ve got a mother thanks, will your husband be looking after her’?

Dear SIL

I am so sorry you and DH are going through this. It must be so hard. I wish I could do more but I can’t.

As you know, we have children who need us, I have two elderly parents with health needs of their own and I work. On top of that I have a health condition to manage. My priorities have to be to take care of myself so that I can parent, hold down my job and do what I can for my parents. I simply do not have capacity to do more practically to support you and DH in looking after MIL. It simply isn’t feasible.

What I am doing is holding the fort here more so that DH can do more. Obviously anything practical we do, also involves four hours of driving, so anything that can be done remotely makes sense for him to do. I will continue to do hold the fort more here so that it frees him up (for example looking after his children when he travelled up).

I am not going to respond to any further messages from you that are pushing me to do more. DH and I will organise ourselves as best we can and he will discuss what he needs with me.

I understand what a difficult time this is and that you might feel that I am not doing enough. It’s simply not feasible. You have said you won’t speak to me if I don’t do more. That would be a shame and would make things harder for DH, but would be your choice to make.

I do think it’s worth considering buying in any extra help you both can (like a cleaner for example) but that’s up to you and DH to decide.

i know what a hard time this is and i am so sorry you are all going through this.

SIL might be having a hard time but she does not get to dictate to you. You have enough on your plate. She and DH need to have a discussion about what care can be bought in, cleaning should be top of the list.

Ridiculous to insist only family can do these tasks when it is clearly overwhelming.

Your role is to support DH as best you can, but it's unrealistic to take on more. How dare she criticise your day of cleaning when you are not well yourself! If SIL stopped speaking to you, would that be a great loss?

I don’t think she should get them together. Again, that’s a drain on her very limited resources. She can suggest it to DH. But it’s not her responsibility to take charge of any of it. She needs to take her lead from her DH in terms of what he needs.

If she organises the cleaner, that still takes up time and energy. And is hard to organise from far away. She is doing enough and has done enough - and was criticised for what she did do. If she organises the cleaver the sister will find something wrong with it.

Op, I am going through something a little bit like this with my own parents and sister. I would never expect or see it as my husband or BIL responsibility. It is a difficult time for everyone. I think you need to get them together, review what needs doing on a practical basis and assign between them. If it is too much, and it undoubtedly will be, then you need to gently move them towards also getting some external help. I am desperately trying to get my sister in that place at the moment having spent months getting mum and dad to agree. They finally do agree, and she has unravelled it saying she can do it. But she can't. She works, she's poorly, her mental health is awful, she phones me crying her heart out. Her final daughter is going to Uni next week and I have no doubt things will now come to a head. For your own sanity, and any hope of a future family relationship, do it now.

Oh my god! She is an entitled cow.

I feel for her because it’s such a hard situation but that’s unacceptable.

Stand firm. Hold tight. 💪

Look after yourself. Parent. Support DH. Support your parents if you can. That’s enough.

Just say DH is helping as much as he can- I am doing his work so he can, that is my role this is your mother not mine. When someone is angry like this you can't be shy you have to tell them like it is- she will resent you not doing more , no matter how much you do, it is her responsibility, but she doesn't want it to be- understandable but tough luck, it is her responsibility. To be honest she is lucky she is getting any help at all, sons often don't step up and expect the daughters to step in- or like my brother move away and do absolutely nothing.

I think the onus here is on you to know your limits and not bow down to SIL who doesn’t have the right to dictate how the house gets cleaned unless she’s doing it herself. If MIL is happy with a cleaner, organise one and do it. You don’t need SIL permission to help in ways that you and DH can help while you live further away and have 4 kids between you to also consider, as well as your own health and wellbeing needs.

If MIL is needing such a high level of support, perhaps DH & SIL need to consider a needs assessment with the council.

Time to stop pussyfooting around and bowing down to sil’s demands. You need to have a family meeting. Agree that the present situation isn’t working.

However, due to distance (two hours drive), family, work and other commitments, you’re unable to give any more. Therefore, going forward, this is going to happen , ie cleaners, carers, outsource laundry etc.

Research everything first so you have have contacts. Get your power of attorneys sorted.

Basically, instead of sil dictating what’s happening, get your dh to take the lead and says what’s going to happen going forward.

Irrespective of whether she is grieving, your SIL is incredibly rude and ungrateful. Who does she think she is? You are not a servant or an employee and she is not your boss. At that point, I would completely withdraw from the situation and ignore her messages/calls.

I think you need to firmly tell her something along the lines of : "Besides my own job, children and health issues to deal with, I have not 1 but 2 elderly parents of my own I'm helping to support. It would be unreasonable of me to ask you to drop everything to help support my elderly parents just because you're my SIL. Likewise, I need you to stop asking me to do so with your mother. While I'm sorry you are struggling, she is not my responsibility and I cannot and will not take on caregiving roles for her. I have enough on my plate. If you need more support, talk to DH or hire in help."

That is ridiculous. You need to reply ‘I’m supporting dh to help his mum, looking after our kids and looking after my own parents. Don’t contact me again about this unless you’re making arrangements for you to go and clean my parents house. If we need paid cleaners and support for dhs mum we will contribute, but I’m never again cleaning anything that’s not ours and making myself sick just for you to criticise how I’ve done it.’

This
What a load of sexist nonsense she is spewing, MIL is not your mum, just because you are female does not mean you are a family slave

Yes to the first bit but not the last.

Of course OP shouldn’t block her husband’s sister, who just found out her mother is dying. She can be firm and consistent with her answers though

I agree with the majority of posters here: there are two separate issues

1. SIL’s unfair expectations of you. You can and should say no.
2. SiL’s fair expectations of your husband and your belief that your husband is doing 50% when he is clearly not.

Is he staying every weekend - or the occasional weekend? It sounds like your SIL is there every day and you have fallen into the trap of placing a greater weight on everything the man does, beciase how busy, important, far away he is.

this is between your husband and his sister, block her if needs be but don’t hold your husband up as a martyr when it really sounds like his sister is doing 75% of the care.

It sounds to me like SiL is lashing out unfairly because she feels scared and overwhelmed.

You're doing everything you can reasonably given other commitments etc plus distance but if the main issue is overwhelm she wont feel happy unless she feels fully supported as an individual. This may be DH's job, or a friend's - I doubt it is yours.

I'm interested to know about MiL's feelings and behaviour here, what are her thoughts?

Yeah I agree, it’s just unnecessarily grim insisting anyone clean themselves when they offer to pay for a cleaner.

I can understand somewhat if she was making an issue about wanting him there in person for some kind of direct care or general meet up with their mother. But she really shouldn’t be splitting hairs over how the house gets cleaned.

Cleaning is the number one thing that she should be okay with them delegating to professional services!! And 9/10 they’ll do a better job too. So for whose benefit was it that she insisted her brother or OP clean instead of a professional?

She may well be struggling but she needs to realise other people have their challenges too and she won’t feel any better by making everyone’s life even more miserable during a challenging period.

I don’t think much of OP’s husband letting her get away with that stunt which resulted in OP becoming unwell. I think OP mentioned she has an ongoing health issue as well which makes it worse.

I don't understand why you would drive and clean the house from top to bottom. If sister in law did not want cleaners in then it was up.to her to do it. She is not your employer, she does not buy your time. Why didn't your husband try to dissuade you?

No they would not be saying that. If you read many of the threads on the elderly parents board most people always state correctly that you can decide how much work you want to do but not how much work you want other people to do.
Carers and cleaners can be bought in.

I agree that she is not being rational. She is not coping well with taking on the lions share of caring for her dying mother. I'm shocked at how little empathy there is for her on this thread. If the SIL had posted everyone would be saying how useless her brother is.

Exactly this @RatsCatsandPuppies

It is quite ridiculous that anyone should be doing any cleaning when a cleaner can be employed.

You SIL sounds totally unreasonable and I think the more you accommodate her, the more she will expect. Sounds like theres no way you let her down gently so you will just have to accept she is going to be bitter and unhappy. From what you have said, you and your DH are doing more than most could manage in those circumstances.

To be honest, I think your SIL would be doing you a favour if she never speaks to you again. I understand this isn't the point of this post. I'd ignore her messages and direct any comments and communication to your DH. Really, it's between them.