AIBU to refuse becoming my mother-in-law's carer by proxy?

but the sitting with a cup of tea to chat is way more important than cleaning and way harder to buy. If the Sil agreed to buying in domestic help, they could BOTH be sitting chatting.

Your mother-in-law is absolutely not your responsibility. It sounds like you do a lot more for her than most would do. Just because your sister-in-law is overwhelmed and your husband is unavailable doesn't mean the responsibility of caring for your mother-in-law falls on YOU.

It sounds to me like your mother-in-law needs proper professional care. Because between the care provided by 3 of you (you, your sister-inlaw and your husband) it's STILL not enough...this means it's time to go down the paid care route.

That you for elaborating, the picture you are painting is much clearer as to who is doing what. You SIL is in fact doing all the donkey work for almost all of the time, which is the hardest part. The fact that you went and cleaned the whole house and she didn't like the standard would have been the last thing I ever did to appease SIL though in fairness. And I'd gently remind her of that next time she asked what I was prepared to do to 'help out'.

Ultimately there isn't much you can do from where you are, your DH has asked you to take care of things at home the weekends that he is with his mum, so HE needs to be the one having the conversation with her that you are not in a position to physically help, it is too far away for weekdays and the kids need looking after at the weekends when he is away, it's as simple as that, so why isn't he having this conversation with her?

Your sister in law is a nasty bitch imo and your husband is not helping or supporting you!! Why didn’t he step in when you planned to clean HIS mother’s house alone and chronically unwell ?? A decent husband would have said no my wife isn’t doing that we will pay for a cleaner if need be!!! Your husband needs to step up for you!! YOU are doing all his household jobs and lokkknf after his mother when he goes to what🤷‍♀️keep her company?? He can set up an iPad for her so he can do FaceTime calls. He doesn’t need to grove 4 hours or stay all the time. He has children who aren’t his wife’s responsibility they are his! Yes you want to support him but they still need time and effort put in by their own father!!!
your husband and his sister need to organise carers to help her. Block your sister in law on your phone. She’s clearly a nasty bully who is just using this opportunity to have another thing to have a go at you with

Kindly meant OP, but you sound very vulnerable.

You drove 4 hours round trip to clean your MIL of 5 minutes house because your SIL insisted on it?

Really?

Do you actually believe that is normal.
It really isn't.

Why wasn't your husband cleaning his own mothers house?

You putting your own health at risk to clean the house of a 5 minute MIL.

That is quite extraordinary.
Be careful.
You have children that need you.

You seem very vulnerable to be thinking it is YOUR responsibility to be doing this.

Where is your husband in this?
It's hard not to believe your marriage is a massive convenience for a busy medic.

Free childcare and elder care is a lot for any woman to be providing.
What are you getting from this arrangement is a reasonable question.

Well, she can’t have it both ways. If it ‘has’ to be one of the family that does the cleaning, but when you DO it, she complains, then it needs to be a professional cleaner that does it instead!

You are welcome OP the way you have described going forward is the best one.
Wish you well with everything and look after yourself

Exactly. Even if the DH isn't doing his share and even if SIL is left doing all the care, none of that is a reason for OP to become MILs carer. Which is the question.

There is no other relevant side to the story.

OP has her own elderly parents who need additional support. On top of her own children, marriage, job, home and career. She has no obligation to add other people's elderly parents to her list - in this case, her DH's mother. That is his and OP's SIL issue to sort if help is needed and they can/want to do so.

In what version of the story do you think OP should be providing care for her MIL?

What possible version could there be that would make that expectation ok?

You doing your best to understand and make things work is another way of saying that you're lying on the floor and letting your sister in law walk all over you.
I would have cut her dead the minute she was rude to me. No one has ever treated me like that, why? Because they know I don't take prisoners.

It's clear that you can't do what she expects and what she expects is unreasonable. Decide between you what is reasonable for DH to do on an ongoing basis bearing in mind the impact on you and the rest of the family when he's away. He needs to communicate with SIL what he can and can't do. He should also clearly state that it's unreasonable of her to expect anything of you in relation to MIL's care, as you have your own parents to look after as well as a health condition, and that you have been stepping up at home to enable him to be at MIL's. In addition when you have helped e.g. the cleaning here has been no appreciation from her of your work either. And that any communication around MIL needs to go to him from now on. If she messages you angry messages you can block her.

Why? It was passive aggressive. TheParis was right.

Yes brilliant idea - that will really help the relationship with his DS - to send her a list of all the ways he is too important and busy to do his share and that she as a mere single woman has nothing better to do.

The person who needs to step up here is the DH. He has two women frustrated with each other, both burning both ends to support his mother whilst he is too big and important to make the time. The sister is unreasonable to say “no” to professional cleaners but we don’t know how her mother feels about it and the sister is the one bearing the brunt of the daily load and emotional stress. If the DM is someone who has never wanted help in the house its the DS who will have to have the daily difficult conversations and many relatives in this situation feel a powerful obligation to “do it all” whilst watching the parent slowly die.

The only person who can really help is the DH - he is the one who needs to step up and get things back to a point where they can have sensible discussions about bringing in paid help for some of the daily care and cleaning. That includes probably putting some other family stuff on hold for the near future.

Hope you’re ok op x

I am not defending SIL here in her treatment of OP.
But if you’ve ever been the sister and you have a brother/s and they leave you do almost everything in terms of parental care, it can send you to the edges of your sanity where you are just desperate, and I mean desperate for help.
You only have to look on dedicated boards on here.
If you’ve ever think there’s a magic wand and an army of helpers come, forget that notion.
You look at anyone, and I mean anyone around you who may be capable of helping and you become desperate.
Because often appealing to the brother, you get a few noises and a few visits and then ‘important’ things come up.
Not all men are like this I met a few male carers when I was caring but I can tell you this - they were only children.
The fact is OP has enough on her plate already with her own parents, family and health.
Every family I have been around in these situations, these hurtful emotional words can permanently damage relationships. It’s really, really sad.
I don’t have any answers, I wish I did, but the number of times as a carer I have had the darkest thoughts if I had a £1 for each, I’d be a wealthy woman. And it’s very easy to become resentful.

totally agree with this.

Ffs. Chill.

Would you? How many threads have you been on where you hear the 'other side of the story'? Maybe Mumsnet isn't for you.

Your response is just a passive-aggressive way of saying that you don't believe OP's version of events.

I'd love to hear the other side of the story.

I have a sister in law like. Slightly different scenario but nothing is ever enough despite my husband doing his fair share.
Do not let her tell you what to do, you must put your health and your own family first as I know from experience you and your husband will always be found wanting however much you do.

Block her. She says she wont talk to you again which is probably a blessing in disguise.

This maybe isnt so much about MILs needs but about SIL- just spitballing here but some of your posts suggest - she feels shes alone, coping with the daily, wants someone to take some of the load and burdens off of her, but perhaps at the same time equates doing these tasks with love and affection, so sees outsourcing them away from family as some sort of failing/betrayal?
There might also be control issues exacerbated by the whole situation of her mothers illness and decline being completely out of her control so shes focusing on what she can take charge of.

She sounds as though she needs help and understanding, but also clear boundaries - eg this is hard for us all, especially for you being there daily for so much - Im doing what I can to support you and especially support DH to do more, but I cant put my job, the kids and my parents on hold to drive for hours and clean to your standards, and I am not sure why you are expecting this.
Keep suggesting outsourcing help with cleaning, laundry and such -'give her permission' to say she cant do it all, and its fine for her to put some of it down.

Does she ask for mental support or destress/talk about emotions when she messages you? or is it all practical stuff?