AIBU to feel hurt after being left out at MIL's funeral?

Dont make your mil's passing about you. They were thoughtless at a time of grieving

It honestly might not have been intentional. A relative died recently and my mother went mad that they contacted my brother to tell him before her. People’s heads are all over the place, it doesn’t really matter about etiquette or names mentioned when a person is gone

OP asked for opinions, this is mine.

I agree with you. Once you marry into a family, you should be part of that, and you did your bit. Yes there are some families that prioritise one side unfairly, and some people who help their blood mum but abandon their MIL, but that isn't you, so what they have done is terrible.
I wouldn't let it upset you now though, or you might regret things-I would have spoken up at the time, but I get that it's difficult, but you had as much right as any daughter/son/DIL etc, and unfortunately it can't be changed now.

I think this expresses it very well.

Needless to say, the house clearance falls to them, not you.

I’m sorry they did that to you. My in-laws did the same when my MIL died and I was extremely hurt, and if she knew they did it, she’d wallop them! I know she was extremely fond of me. I was part of her life for 35 years.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Your DH spoke at the funeral and didn't even mention you? That's awful considering all you did for his mother. It could even have been an 'OP and I spent a lot of time with mum at the end and we'll both miss her' kind of thing. Doesn't have to be a huge outpouring of thanks but just making it clear that you were part of MILs family too. Just a simple acknowledgement of the fact you are part of his family is all that is needed but it's very cold to say nothing.

Perhaps he'd like to gather his siblings who are all so thankful for each other and get them to clear the house. If I was you, OP, I wouldn't be doing it. And I would say why. The problem is, if you do things for people like this, they just expect it and you become invisible and taken for granted.

I dont think YABU to be upset about not being mentioned/included in your MIL eulogy particularly as you cared for her and became close to her.
I thnk you were wise not to mention it at the time as when everyone is seeing everything through the filter of grief ,clarity is lacking and anger quick to rise.
Could you discuss your feeling with your DH by explaining you felt sad not to be mentioned/included and could he explain why that was?
As for the house clearance, if demands for help are happening ,you could say you arent able to help and explain why.

I would be hurt too Op - you and your SIL are part of the family and at the very least mentioned and included in the family photos. I would step away from the cleaning the house - just because they don't live near doesn't mean they can't do it - weekends and holidays exist! I think your DH has also let you down so maybe he can clean the house!

@Sookisssss Yes, that reminds me of my Nan & Mum when my Grandad died, they completely forgot to put 'Grandad' on his headstone, just husband & Dad. No worries! As you say, it wasn't done maliciously, just the huge grief.

Obviously @SixtyorSomething wouldn't know what was to be kept & what to give to charity etc, re house clearing. The smallest things can have memories whereas a cooker etc wouldn't.
MUCH better to say that & step back..

Plus, MIL knows what you did for her. I'm sure she was grateful for easing her last months.

We almost forgot to include my dad’s half of the family in my mother’s death announcement and forgot to include photos of her friends in the video we played which I really regret. But it’s difficult to think logically. I think you’re being a bit daft if they haven’t done it maliciously.

Quite simply, don’t clear the house. Just don’t. Just don’t engage in conversation about it, don’t ask your husband when is the clear out organised for, don’t commit up helping him do this, just quietly don’t take part in it.

Grief is a bitch and affects people in different ways. Having said that - absolutely do not clear the house. You stepped up for their mother when they couldn't be bothered. The least they can do is empty the house.

This! Far better to be honest and explain how and why you are hurt than to be stroppy about it.

plus you could make it clear in a nice way that you’ve done more than your fair share of supporting while mil was alive, their turn now

I totally disagree with this. I've been married to DH for 30 years. I have contributed physically, emotionally and financially to his mother's wellbeing, sometimes when her own children have been unable / unwilling to do so. I am part of her family, and she loves me, as I love her. I would be hugely hurt if I was excluded from any remembrance event.

Edited to add - I don't mean that I disagree that all the funerals you have been to have not mentioned in-laws - I mean I disagree that in-laws are not a part of the family.

Don't clear the house. They may be grieving but to overlook how much you cared for her is very revealing. If you are not sufficiently family to be mentioned, then you are not sufficiently family to do the heavy loading, dusty grunt work of house clearance.

You were right not to mention your being left out at the funeral.

I agree with the previous posters not to become involved in clearing the house. I organized the clearance of my grandmothers house when she left the contents to me. Many items were valuable and went to auction. However there was also the clutter of years and sorting through it (especially her clothes) was heart rending. I paid a professional house cleaner after I had removed all the saleable items. You can avoid a family row (as another poster had suggested) by claiming that you need to step back and drop the rope after the trauma of caring for the lady.

Really good advice from @Comesround - follow that. And to answer your specific questions - no, you're definitely not being unreasonable to feel hurt. Anyone would in the same circumstances.

I would say that since you took on so much of the emotional care of your MiL during her illness you do not feel that you have anything left emotionally and clearing out her personal effects would raise too many memories and be too much for you, so the ungrateful entitled family can jog on.

I agree with this. Step back and do not help them.

I understand why you felt hurt - good enough to do the work but not to be acknowledged. Fair enough not to do any of the house clearing (it's a huge job, ask me how I know!)

I think you can seperate it in your mind and say you did the care for MIL herself. But the clearance is for the benefit of the estate so the executors and beneficiaries need to sort it out between themselves.

When my BIL died I did help my husband (executor) clear the house and deal with some other stuff BUT (a) I know he really appreciated that and (b) fluffy condolences and hugs aren't his love language so it was my way of supporting him in his grief, and I know he appreciated that too. If I was just expected to do it like a free skivvy I'd have told him to fuck off, grief or no grief.

That's awful. You are only remembered when your labour is needed it seems.

Do not clear out the house. You have done more than most, the siblings need to fo it now.

I am an only DC so slightly different situation but DH has done so much for my DPs that when the time comes, I would absolutely make sure he is mentioned in any eulogies.

I wouldn’t say anything, but I would step back from the house clearance. You shouldn’t have to do it anyway as even if other siblings live further away normally, they are there for the funeral and could collect anything they want and then organise for a van to take the rest.