AIBU to feel hurt after being left out at MIL's funeral?

If you talk to your husband and he apologises, he'll expect you to continue to take responsibility for his family tasks, so you'll end up clearing the house, with a pat on the back from him.

I think he's shown you that he takes it for granted that you do the heavy lifting in his family. You should tell him that you won't help with the house clearance at all, your MIL wouldn't like it as you're not direct family. Suggest that some of the family members who he thanked in his eulogy would surely be happy to continue to support him.

Stay strong- it's a huge job.

Agree

This.

Let them sort the house out. And that’s regardless of whether you were named as a family member. All partners / husbands etc of siblings etc were named in my mum’s eulogy as they are part of the family.

Agree 💯

Don't do it.

Incredibly hurtful to leave you and SIL out of the family photos.

Yes I would. How I'd deliver the message would be more nuanced depending on the actual situation at the time, but the core message would be the same.

People are saying don’t clear the house and I completely agree but remember why you’re not doing it. One of those reasons is she is gone and you are not helping her or showing your mother in law love by clearing her house. You’re just being used as a dog’s body by this not very nice family

It’s not your place to clear MIL’s belongings, that sits with her children.
You have no idea of what could be sentimental or hand downs from her family.
Clearing out is part of the grieving process that MIL’s DCs should experience.
Years from now you don’t want to be accused of taking or throwing away something of PILs.
Side step it - will they be clearing your parents’ house- thought not

You are not thinking too much of it
If they mentioned people that had no input with her for ages and not you at all thats bad.
Do not help with the house at all.

I agree about not doing the house clearing. Just quietly assume it’s nothing to do with you. If directly asked your first response should be a breezy “I looked after you mum for months, I’ve done my bit thank you”.

I think caring for your MIL was a lovely thing to do and you can always hold your head up high that you did that. But house clearing is doing unpaid labour for a bunch of relatives roughly the same age as you who will get a pay day out of it. Their time is not more valuable than yours. Simple no from me.

if your DH ends up struggling with it all himself and reaches out to you for help, then I probably would mention not being named etc in the eulogies - how it’s interesting that you are taken for granted/invisible in one scenario but named and volunteered in another!

Also, I would perhaps give them a very slight out for grief, that they forgot to thank you both, HOWEVER, they now want you two skivvys to clear the house.🙄🤨

That makes me think they know EXACTLY what they are doing, don't have an ounce of regard or respect for either of you, and think you are both complete doormats and mugs.

You sound like a very nice kind woman whom has been taken completely advantage of, not least by your husband.
Definitely time to wake up and see your self worth.

You are not being silly you are being ignored and used and your grief is being ignored

I wouldnt say anything but if they ask or expect you to do it including your husband say im sorry im really busy, i gave up a lot of time earlier in the year caring for MIL who i loved dearly and theres stuff i need to do for me now and catch up on

That's super mean !.
When my father in law passed I was mentioned because I was part of his family 😔 and so should you and sister in law been included .
I wouldn't do the house and say why they should be ashamed there's just no need for that kind of pettiness when someone dies
Big hugs 🤗

You need to speak up or this will eat up at you. As others have said do not do anything regarding the house.

Funerals are partly for the surviving family and friends to help with grieving. I would have be en hurt not to have been mentioned i for the help and support I provided in either category. I wouldn't go along with the expectation that you will cleaning and cleaning the house ffrom top to bottom for her beneficiaries to benefit from . Get the contact number of professional firms who do this for a few, I. Case you are asked.

You are not being petty or trivial. You absolutely should have been on the family photograph. I guess your husband has shown you how important your feelings are to him, sorry.

Grief is awful but this sounds like a parent of an age where it isn’t considered a complete shock. I do believe that most people can still function and consider other people’s feelings even when in the toughest of times. You were hardly asking for the earth were you? I suppose you have to decide what to do next.

I can't remember if my sil was mentioned in the eulogy but my mum wore 3 rings daily and our brother's said my sister and I could have them. We decided that our sil should be included as she was as much part of the family as we we were.

I wouldn’t bring up the funeral as that’ll only cause bad feeling and get you nowhere. However, I wouldn’t be offering to clear the house. That’s a job for her children and if they live in different parts of the country then they all need to coordinate a free weekend and do it together so it doesn’t fall to your DH on his own. You’ve helped enough already.

I'm in the minority who think that YABU UNLESS there is more of a backstory. I certainly don't think you are obliged to do the housecleaning, and I do get the impression that some of your problem may really be that your dh has been offloading care and administrative duties for his mother onto you, either because he couldn't cope mentally with his mother's terminal illness (somewhat excusable) or because he thinks of it as 'wifework' (not at all excusable). But i don't think that your decisions should be based on perceived or actual slights at a funeral, This is likely to have been a devastating situation, where people were unable to think straight due to grief; nd it is understandable, though not ideally polite, that the children of your MIL may have been acknowledging each other in their pain and not thinking as much about acknowledging spouses who were not so directly bereaved.

I would have a chat with your DH. Ask him how he’s coping emotionally since his DM passed away and if you think the timing is right, just say to him that a couple of things happen at the funeral that upset you.
Would you have been acknowledged if you were a blood member of the family rather than an in-law? I think you would have been.
Well done to you for looking after your MIL. Hold your head up high-you did the right thing. And leave your in-laws to the house clearance.

No, you aren't. Your DH was, at the very least, thoughtless.

Has he ever thanked you for the care you gave to his mum? If not, he 's taking your time and labour for granted. If so, he should have reiterated his appreciation for everything you did at the funeral.

Eithelr way, leave DH and his brother to it when it comes to clearing the house. Tell him you've done your share and want to move on.

The people who were pictured on the family photo board can clear the house together

Normally a eulogy which can be done by a celebrant is about the deceased's life with usually just children and very close friends mentioned, their jobs, hobbies etc.

IME, it is very common to say "...then Mary welcomed Jane and Sue into her family and then the Grandchildren she adored - Jack, Tom, Lauren and Emily came along". I'd find it very strange for a DiL not to be mentioned, potentially unless she later ran off with the milkman and abandoned the dc or something.

I have never attended a funeral where family members have been thanked for looking after the deceased
I have - particularly where there has been a drawn out illness before death. Sometimes paid carers, sometimes family members.

I did mention all the in laws at DHs funeral, but a lot of people think only blood family need to be mentioned.

I can’t honestly say it would bother me though.