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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say my DS cant keep missing school because the school “cant cope”??

660 replies

Jacobator · 11/09/2026 13:19

Sorry this is long and probably doesnt make much sense but i am so fed up and dont really know if im being unreasonable anymore.

I have 2 boys, 12 and 9, both have additional needs although they are very different. DS2 has always been harder in school but usually he manages and we have never had anything like this before. Since going back this September he has apparently been having what they call explosive behaviour and he has now been sent home several times. One day they rang me before lunch and said i needed to collect him because he wasnt able to calm down and they didnt have the staff to keep him safe.

I did collect him because what else can i do, but then its happening again and again. Yesterday they rang and said basically they cant meet his needs at the moment. I said well what does that actually mean because he is supposed to be in school and not sitting at home with me because you dont have enough staff.

They keep saying they are not excluding him and that its a “temporary arrangement” while they look at what support he needs. Sorry but if my child is being told to stay at home because school cant cope with him, what exactly do they think an exclusion is??

I have asked about his support plan and whether they have actually done everything that is in it and i get lots of meetings and people saying they are concerned but nobody seems to actually have an answer. I dont want to keep having arguments with the school because obviously DS has to go there and i dont want things getting worse for him, but i also cant just accept him being kept home every time he has a meltdown.

DH thinks im making this harder than it needs to be and says we should look at specialist provision. I know he might be right but i dont want DS2 being put somewhere just because his current school doesnt want the bother. His brother is at the same school and they are very close, and DS2 already feels different enough without being taken away and told he needs a special school.

And before anyone says we should just pay for extra help, we actually do. Between therapy, assessments, things for school, transport and other bits we are spending over £2,000 a month at the moment. Yes i know thats a lot. We arent sitting on a pile of money, it is coming out of our savings and some of the things are because we have been told to get them privately because waiting lists are ridiculous. Im not saying that means the school owes us anything, just that its frustrating to constantly be told to get more support when we are already trying everything we can.

I am not pretending DS is easy. He can be very difficult when he is overwhelmed and i know the other children need to be safe too. But surely the answer cant just be send him home until he behaves normally? He cant learn how to manage school if he isnt actually allowed to be at school.

DH says im refusing to accept that he needs specialist help and maybe i am. I just feel like once we go down that road thats it, he gets labelled and everyone gives up trying to make mainstream work.

So AIBU to be pushing back on this and saying they cant keep sending him home because they “cant cope”? Or am i the one refusing to accept reality here?

OP posts:
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whoami24601 · 11/09/2026 13:42

Jacobator I have just had this situation with DS new secondary. They are not legally allowed to send him home with no paperwork.

I argued with the school and they were adamant so in the end my DH took DS in and told them he was staying and they'd have to deal with it. I agree with PP to refuse to collect him without paperwork for an exclusion.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 11/09/2026 13:40

I agree with PP, this school isn’t able to meet DS needs so you do need to start looking elsewhere. Good luck.

AshaK · 11/09/2026 13:38

YABU and your husband is right

MellowSubmarine · 11/09/2026 13:37

Octavia64 · 11/09/2026 13:26

Technically this is an illegal exclusion.

if you want support from for him accessing specialist then refuse to pick him up. The school will then either cope or he will be formally excluded which will give paperwork and evidence d the school is not meeting his needs.

Yes I was going to ask OP, it sounds like what’s happening right now is fairly ad hoc with no paperwork around it?

Viviennemary · 11/09/2026 13:37

If he isn't allowed in school then it's an exclusion. Sounds like this isn't the right school for him.

Original poster
Jacobator · 11/09/2026 13:35

Thanks, yes he does have an EHCP. It is being followed in the sense that they say it is, although i am not convinced everything in it is actually happening all the time. There is meant to be support in class but its not a 1:1 as such and obviously when staff are dealing with other children things can change.

The meltdowns are mostly when he gets overwhelmed or something changes or he thinks something is unfair. He can shout and throw things and sometimes push things over, but he isnt going round attacking children. He does need help to calm down though and apparently that is the problem because they say they dont have the staff available to do it safely.

I dont want him to hurt anybody obviously, and if he was a danger to the other children then i wouldnt be saying just keep him there regardless. But i do think there is a difference between a child being unsafe and a school not having enough adults to support a child who is dysregulated.

Someone asked about attainment, he is actually doing ok academically considering everything. Hes not top of the class or anything but he is not unable to access the work either. His problems are much more around behaviour, communication and coping with the environment.

We have talked about a resource base before but there isnt one particularly close to us and i dont want him travelling for ages every day either. Also this is what i mean about everyone jumping straight to specialist. We havent even managed to get the current school to consistently provide what is in his EHCP and now we are apparently supposed to accept that mainstream isnt suitable.

As for refusing to pick him up, i honestly dont know if i have the nerve to do that. They make it sound like something awful will happen if i dont come and obviously when they ring you saying your child is distressed you arent exactly going to say no sorry he can stay there.

But i am starting to think maybe i have been too cooperative with them. I just dont want DS to end up being punished because adults cant agree what to do with him.

OP posts:
MushMashMunch · 11/09/2026 13:34

It sounds very difficult. I’m not in a place to speak about what the school should or shouldn’t be doing legally and I am sympathetic to your situation however I have been having similar issues since my DS went back. He is also 9 except it’s a classmate that is having uncontrollably “anger” as the children have been told to describe it. When that happens the whole class and teacher have to go elsewhere in the school and two senior teachers step in to help the child in question. This has happened at least 5 times since they returned. My DS is a kind boy and isn’t mean about the child and we’ve spoken at home about how he must have difficulties and it’s not his fault and it’s good the teachers are helping him. It doesn’t take away from the fact that my child (and numerous others) are scared when this happens and nervous of this child having “anger”. My DS talks about it every night at bedtime as he’s clearly anxious about what will happen. They are also missing big chunk a of regular learning and even this week missed their pe lessons as the child broke down within the first 5 minutes and the gym hall was evacuated so no gym for my DS and his class.

I suppose I’m trying to say that whilst I have sympathy for your situation and your need to ensure the best provision for your child I’m aware this is happening all over the country and I wonder why no one is bothered about the other children in the classrooms witnessing this and having to process it all. I wouldn’t work with a colleague who had “anger” yet I’m expecting my DS to go and deal with that every day. The teachers too. I’ve personally witnessed our DHT being kicked and hit with some force in the playground by a child. It was scary for me as an adult walking past to see never mind the playground full of young children.

I don’t know the answer but I wish the other children in the class were also considered when deciding whether mainstream is an appropriate setting.

Waitingforthetimetopass · 11/09/2026 13:27

I suppose it depends on a number of things.

Does he have an ECHP?
If so is the ECHP being followed?
What is triggering these melt downs?
What happens when he has a melt down?
Is he safe to be there and are other children safe with him there?
What provision is the school providing?
What does his academic attainment look like?
Does he have 1:1?
What are your ambitions for him long term? What are his ambitions long term?
Do you live somewhere with resource base schools? Could that be a suitable compromise?

Octavia64 · 11/09/2026 13:26

Technically this is an illegal exclusion.

if you want support from for him accessing specialist then refuse to pick him up. The school will then either cope or he will be formally excluded which will give paperwork and evidence d the school is not meeting his needs.

helpfulperson · 11/09/2026 13:23

I'm sorry, that sounds hard. But schools can't wave magic wands. Given the help you are already getting I think your husband may be right. Does your son have an EHCP?

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