To say my DS cant keep missing school because the school “cant cope”??

I agree with your husband he needs more specialist help and I would start the ball rolling now.

They’re telling you they can’t meet his needs. They can’t have someone kicking off, throwing things and shouting when they need to be teaching the class, and all the other children shouldn’t have to be subjected to this, it would disrupt their learning and some may be very upset and also deregulated when things like this happen. School should be a safe place for all children.

Sending him home is an illegal exclusion. Suspensions & Permanent Exclusions.
(Photos of relevant bit added)

You and the school need to work together to identify and address barriers and write a part time, short term attendance plan, which you agree to.( Working together to improve school attendance P27-28 gov, guidance) This will be written to meet his needs in the short term building his attendance back to full time or finding another suitable educator which can meet his needs.

Every child is entitled to a full time education (p8. In government guidance). Do not agree to home school as this will release the LA from their responsibilities to provide a full time education.

There is loads of government guidance which will be helpful in you understanding your child’s rights. I have inked a couple, but there are others in the documents including Equalities documents.

I'm surprised how casual people are with anger issues such as this. Like "oh, they only kick off if overwhelmed or something changes or they think something is unfair". That stuff is happening to everyone multiple times each day in a school. Poor kid (and his classmates) are all being failed here. He needs a different school with the time and space and curriculum that can accommodate what he struggles with rather than try to shoehorn him into a normal, chaotic class of 30 odd. Stop letting school off the hook by picking him up.

You need to accept that this school is not meeting his needs because they do not have the resources to do so.
It's not because they "don't want the bother"

Coming out of my long time lurker status to post this.

As others have said, this is technically an illegal exclusion.

OP, next time they call you, you need one of two things to happen:

1. the school suspend him for breaking whatever part of the behavior policy they see fit.
2. you don’t pick him up

Formally suspending him leaves a paper trail which obviously creates more work for the school, but means that you can hold them to account for properly implementing his EHCP (a legal document btw). Governors will also review after a number of suspensions to ask what more the school could do to support. Also means the school and you have more leverage to access support as there’s evidence of need. Just sending him home provides none of these.

Source: 40 years in education. School governor.

Precisely.

Don't remove him. The local authority needs to step up and find him appropriate provision.

If we are talking about special schools, it isn't that simple and it's possible OP's son could be waiting years for a place.

YABU. If the school can’t meet his needs, then they can’t meet his needs. Imagine if every child behaved like that? I’m not blaming him, just pointing out that schools do not have the resources to cope with this type of behaviour, because they were not designed for that purpose. This is why we have specialist schools.

I’m sorry but I agree with your DH and some previous posters, it sounds like he needs to be moved to specialist provision. There is a limit to how much support a mainstream school can provide.

I think you need to listen to your husband and start looking for a more suitable school for your child . Why do you think your son’s needs trump the needs and safety of the other children in the classroom ?

You need an early review of the EHCP. It needs improving whether you move placement or not.

Therapies should be in the EHCP.

Why are you paying for transport?

The school should not be calling you to pick up and informally sending DS home. They shouldn’t be excluding merely because they can’t meet needs. Follow up all verbal conversations with emails so you have a paper trail. It will help you to read the government’s suspension and permanent exclusion guidance.

In particular:
“Off-rolling and unlawful exclusions
18. Telling or forcing a pupil to leave school, or not allowing them to attend school, is a suspension (if temporary) or permanent exclusion (if permanent). Whenever a pupil is made to leave school, or forbidden from attending school, on disciplinary grounds, this must be done in accordance with the School Discipline (Pupil Exclusions and Reviews) (England) Regulations 2012 and with regard to relevant parts of this guidance.

19. Suspending a pupil for a short period of time, such as half a day, is permissible but the formal suspension process must still be followed. Each disciplinary suspension and permanent exclusion must be confirmed to the parents in writing with notice of the reasons for the suspension or permanent exclusion.

20. Any exclusion of a pupil, even for short periods, must be formally recorded. It would also be unlawful to exclude a pupil simply because they have SEN or a disability that the school feels it is unable to meet, or for a reason such as, academic attainment/ability; or the failure of a pupil to meet specific conditions before they are reinstated, such as to attend a reintegration meeting.

21. If any of these unlawful exclusions are carried out and lead to the deletion of a pupil’s name from the register, this is known as ‘off-rolling’. Further examples of off-rolling include:
•exercising undue influence over a parent to remove their child from the school under the threat of a permanent exclusion and encouraging them to choose Elective Home Education or another school place
•moving a pupil to off-site AP where that is not in the best interests of that pupil
•encouraging a post-16 student not to continue with their course of study when this is against the best interests of that pupil
•sending a pupil home without a formal suspension regardless of whether it
occurs with the agreement of parents
•placing a pupil on a part-time timetable for behavioural reasons
•Intentionally removing a pupil from the school roll without correctly following
regulations”

The new suspension and permanent exclusion guidance also has a section on Separation of pupils for safeguarding purposes. I know 2 situations where schools are trying to go down that route to get around the suspension and exclusion guidance. In both the cases I know of the school is doing so unlawfully. It is supposed to be temporary and rare. I mention this because you have said they are saying it isn’t an exclusion.

I'm sorry I think YABU

It's not fair on the other kids. It's not safe for them and they shouldn't be around that. There are 20+ of them and your DS is one kid.

The school are struggling and the least you can do is pick him up when he's been explosive.

I’ve had classes with conflicting EHCP’s, which student should I prioritise? I’ve also had classes with 4 or 5 very detailed, specific EHCP’s which if I followed to the letter in every single lesson I’d get no teaching done at all.

So your child may very well need ABC in order to just about manage in a mainstream school but your specific primary school may not physically or practically be able to provide that for him. It’s not a case of ‘they can’t be bothered to follow the EHCP’ - that would be grossly unprofessional of them.

They will have tried extensively to calm him down and help him to regulate - they’re calling you because they’ve not been able to do this. The school is telling you that they can’t meet his needs and it sounds like you’ve lost faith in them - why keep him there if he could thrive somewhere more appropriate to his needs?

@Jacobator

Can you give some more details?

Is it exactly as you describe as in they have just said these things without any clear next steps, or have they sent him home but said something like (a) We will be in touch to set up a meeting next week and (b) at that meeting the following will be present - e.g. head of year, SENCo, Assistant Head Pastoral and (c) we will look at a range of options to support your son, including X, Y and Z?

The latter would be better, however a child cannot be barred from attending school, and a parent has a duty of care to send their child in, unless there has been a formal exclusion. They cannot simply say that they ‘can’t cope’ with his behaviour - if that is the case then there should be formal exclusions as required as well as extensive attempts at support to resolve the issues over time.

If I’ve understood you correctly and you have included all details and you are in England, the school has behaved unlawfully. See Section 18 on page 15 of this document. https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/6a63426d9a419980593b2b80/suspension-and-permanent-exclusion-from-maintained-schools-academies-and-pupil-referral-units-in-England-including-pupil-movement-effective-from-26-July-2026.pdf

The school is leaving themselves vulnerable and putting you in a difficult position if they have informally sent your son home or told your son to stay off school, even if they are well meaning.

I’d suggest the following:

• Find the Behaviour and SEND policies on the school’s website and check what processes should have been followed compared with what your son has been offered.
• Make notes outlining the specific situations that have arisen and the school’s actions - draw direct comparisons between this information and what you find in the school’s policies.
• Find out who is the senior leader in charge of pastoral and inclusion (may be one or two people). Email them with a detailed outline of the above clearly explaining where you believe the school has fallen short of its legal duties and stated policy obligations.
• In the email, say that you want a meeting as a matter of urgency to discuss your concerns and to co-construct a support plan in line with the school’s pastoral and inclusion policies and legal duties.
• If possible, take someone with you to the meeting. Make sure this trusted person knows the details of the situation beforehand and can take notes for you.
• Following the meeting, ask for minutes to be emailed to you within three working days. If there is anything you think is not accurate in those minutes, respond in writing referencing your own notes with a correction.
• If you do not get a satisfactory outcome from this, get the complaints policy from the website and follow this; initially complain to the school and if you don’t get a satisfactory response, complain to the Chair of Governors or Trustees.

Just checking this is a state school?

Even if it hasn't yet, there's every likelihood it may.

If my child got hurt by a flying object and the teacher said "Oh sorry he often throws things in temper, but he's never hit a child before", I'd be furious.

You want him in mainstream school but that isn't working.

How long until something he throws hits and injures another child.

Whilst I agree your responsibility is solely to your child, the school have to think about the other 29 children in the classroom with him and it isn't working.

The school are hoping desperately you will blink first and remove him. It sounds like they are struggling with the EHCP provisions and are looking for the easy route out.

Let school know that you are aware that what they are doing is an illegal exclusion and unless he is formally excluded, you can't be constantly picking up. Schools sometimes rely on parents not fully knowing their rights and what school can or can't do legally.

If they do formally exclude him, there will be evidence just in case a specialist school is needed.

The school have no choice if your child throws things. I imagine something happened that might have injured a fellow pupil or an adult. Has it?

I am wondering if you are having difficulty accepting that your son needs more than an ECHP in mainstream education. Your DH seems to realise this . I know it is very hard to come to terms with . You have lots of reasons that you don't want to label him or dismiss his potential. But being in a specialized school is not condeming him to never achieving . They have have the support , training and experience to deal with all the issues you describe. Sadly , mainstream education and his school in particular are telling you that they do not have these for him .

I hope you can make the right decision and be at peace with yourself . You are doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances.

i dont want DS2 being put somewhere just because his current school doesnt want the bother

Surely you want him somewhere else because that would be better for him? Moving him wouldn't mean the current school "wins". It's not about point-scoring - it's about finding the best place for your DS2.

I dont want him to hurt anybody obviously, and if he was a danger to the other children then i wouldnt be saying just keep him there regardless.

Melting down, throwing things and pushing things over means his behaviour is obviously out of control.

Therefore, he is a danger to other children.