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Original poster

To say my DS cant keep missing school because the school “cant cope”??

660 replies

Jacobator · 11/09/2026 13:19

Sorry this is long and probably doesnt make much sense but i am so fed up and dont really know if im being unreasonable anymore.

I have 2 boys, 12 and 9, both have additional needs although they are very different. DS2 has always been harder in school but usually he manages and we have never had anything like this before. Since going back this September he has apparently been having what they call explosive behaviour and he has now been sent home several times. One day they rang me before lunch and said i needed to collect him because he wasnt able to calm down and they didnt have the staff to keep him safe.

I did collect him because what else can i do, but then its happening again and again. Yesterday they rang and said basically they cant meet his needs at the moment. I said well what does that actually mean because he is supposed to be in school and not sitting at home with me because you dont have enough staff.

They keep saying they are not excluding him and that its a “temporary arrangement” while they look at what support he needs. Sorry but if my child is being told to stay at home because school cant cope with him, what exactly do they think an exclusion is??

I have asked about his support plan and whether they have actually done everything that is in it and i get lots of meetings and people saying they are concerned but nobody seems to actually have an answer. I dont want to keep having arguments with the school because obviously DS has to go there and i dont want things getting worse for him, but i also cant just accept him being kept home every time he has a meltdown.

DH thinks im making this harder than it needs to be and says we should look at specialist provision. I know he might be right but i dont want DS2 being put somewhere just because his current school doesnt want the bother. His brother is at the same school and they are very close, and DS2 already feels different enough without being taken away and told he needs a special school.

And before anyone says we should just pay for extra help, we actually do. Between therapy, assessments, things for school, transport and other bits we are spending over £2,000 a month at the moment. Yes i know thats a lot. We arent sitting on a pile of money, it is coming out of our savings and some of the things are because we have been told to get them privately because waiting lists are ridiculous. Im not saying that means the school owes us anything, just that its frustrating to constantly be told to get more support when we are already trying everything we can.

I am not pretending DS is easy. He can be very difficult when he is overwhelmed and i know the other children need to be safe too. But surely the answer cant just be send him home until he behaves normally? He cant learn how to manage school if he isnt actually allowed to be at school.

DH says im refusing to accept that he needs specialist help and maybe i am. I just feel like once we go down that road thats it, he gets labelled and everyone gives up trying to make mainstream work.

So AIBU to be pushing back on this and saying they cant keep sending him home because they “cant cope”? Or am i the one refusing to accept reality here?

OP posts:
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amber763 · 11/09/2026 16:10

This sounds very hard for your family but the other kids and staff shouldn't be at risk because of your sons explosive behaviour. If they don't have provision to keep them safe then I agree with your husband.

Snowcanwait · 11/09/2026 16:09

Jacobator · 11/09/2026 15:02

ok thanks everyone, i think i probably havent explained it very well and maybe thats why people are thinking he is just being violent all day which he isnt.

There was an incident where he threw a chair, it didnt hit anybody but obviously it could have and i am not saying thats ok. Another time he pushed a table over and a TA was nearby. So yes i understand why they are concerned about safety. I would be concerned too. But this is exactly why i keep saying he needs support when he starts getting overwhelmed rather than waiting until he is completely gone and then ringing me to collect him.

He has a new teacher this year which is something i hadnt really thought about until people mentioned it. His old teacher knew him very well and could normally see when he was starting to get wound up and get him out of the situation before it got to that point. The new teacher seems to be much more strict and apparently has said he needs to learn that he cant behave like this. Which i dont disagree with really but i dont think telling him that when he is already completely overwhelmed is going to achieve much.

Someone asked what happens when he comes home. No he doesnt get sweeties and ipad all afternoon or anything like that. He normally goes upstairs or sits with me and has some quiet time because he is exhausted. I dont give him a punishment because i dont think he is coming home thinking yay ive got a day off school. He is usually upset and embarrassed about it.

I have spoken to him and he says the classroom is too noisy and he doesnt like the new teacher shouting. He also said another boy has been laughing at him when he gets things wrong but when i mentioned this to school they said they hadnt seen any bullying. So i dont know if thats actually happening or if DS is interpreting things differently.

And yes he has an EHCP. There isnt a full time 1:1 in it though, which i think people keep assuming. There is specified support but not someone attached to him every minute of every day.

I am going to ask for an early review because from what people have said it sounds like the EHCP needs looking at anyway. I honestly didnt realise therapies were supposed to be in it, some of what we pay for privately was recommended by people but isnt actually written into the plan.

The transport question is because some of his appointments are quite far away and we have also had to arrange transport on days when i cant get him myself. Its not school transport every day before anyone thinks we are spending £2k a month on taxis to school lol.

I also didnt know about the informal exclusion thing. The school have definitely used words like “not in a position to safely accommodate him” rather than exclusion. I have all the emails so i can check exactly what they have said.

I dont want to pretend the school are evil and i dont want the other children put at risk. I just dont think the answer is automatically special school either. Maybe it is the right answer in the end, i genuinely dont know. I just dont want to make that decision because everyone is fed up with him.

And for the person asking about what i want for him long term, honestly i want him to be happy and independent and able to have a job and friends. I dont have some massive ambition that he has to go to university or anything. I just dont want his whole future decided at 9 because he has had a bad few weeks.

I will speak to DH again as well because he is probably not completely wrong. I just wish people would understand that saying “special school” isnt as simple as moving him next Monday and everything is magically fixed.

A few thing spring to mind when discussing support with the school:

-most importantly arrange a sit down meeting with the new teacher where you explain that the reason he has explosive behaviour is down to his additional needs and you will absolutely not accept ‘he just needs to behave’ and ask the school if she requires training in how behaviour is impacted by sensory issues, anxiety and stress in ASN children.

-He is noise sensitive so needs ear defenders with him at all times.

-He needs some way of communicating when something is distressing him. The SENCO should be able to provide a keyring or access to visuals. Sometimes you can get visual which just say ‘I need a break’ or ‘I’m feeling frustrated’. This is the point where he goes to a safe space or quiet space.

-He needs to have regular movement breaks integrated into his day as this is a form of regulation especially when it comes to anxiety and it also provides a break from the overwhelming stimulation within the classroom.

-He needs an individual visual timetable or a now/next task set up.

It is absolutely unacceptable for the school to just give up unless they have put in place reasonable adjustments. And these reasonable adjustments do not require a full time adult but do require a bit of effort when it comes to scheduling and resources.

Merryoldgoat · 11/09/2026 16:09

You sound to me like you are in denial about your son’s needs. He needs a specialist provision and your insistence he should be in mainstream will damage him.

Easytoconfuse · 11/09/2026 16:09

AshaK · 11/09/2026 13:38

YABU and your husband is right

Can I clarify? The EHCP is not being fully implemented and the schools response is to illegally exclude and the parent is being unreasonable?

This is an illegal exclusion, no matter how they dress it up. Basically, to have given up at this stage of the autumn term, he is being managed out. Schools will swear blind they don't do it, except they admitted it when Bridget Phillipson talked about every teacher being a teacher of SEN.

From personal experience, the OP need an urgent EHCP review and to have to make a hard decision. If the school don't want him, then it won't work. End of. At this stage of the year, a placement in a special school is as likely as a truthful politician. She will have to dig your heels in and say 'he has to be in education.' If the school can't do it, what are the LA going to provide?

It's hell for her and it's not going to get any better, so YABU should be rewritten to 'school and LA are being unreasonable.' They can't magic up places, but the LA can employ a tutor while they come up with a better solution.

Monvelo · 11/09/2026 16:08

Also I thought that specialist school place would need to be allocated by the local authority? So school do need to evidence that they can't meet need. Sending him home without doing an official suspension might not be doing anyone any favours.

Phineyj · 11/09/2026 16:08

I was unfortunately managing such a teacher a few years ago. OMG! Someone that has no empathy with young people can get in hot water very quickly.

EarthaKittsVoice · 11/09/2026 16:07

Octavia64 · 11/09/2026 13:26

Technically this is an illegal exclusion.

if you want support from for him accessing specialist then refuse to pick him up. The school will then either cope or he will be formally excluded which will give paperwork and evidence d the school is not meeting his needs.

Following on from this.

Just this week, Hackney Council I think, have been instructed by the courts to issue compensation to a child/family as they did not meet the educational legal requirements. That child was off school for months and the schoo/council were fobbing them off.

From what I read in the article it sounded very similar to what you are experiencing.

Phineyj · 11/09/2026 16:06

AhMh67 · 11/09/2026 15:52

my Granddaughter is on the spectrum and was a nightmare at school. She learned to kick off and get sent home. What I did was bring her home and she did nothing. No treats gadgets tv anything. Just sitting she lasted a week and is now back in school full time. She realised it wasn't an easy ride it was total boredom.

That only works if the child is choosing the behaviour. My own DD has much more control of her behaviour at 13 than at 9 (as you'd expect).

The OP's child was managing at school until now. It's quite likely an inexperienced or inflexible teacher or loss of an experienced TA triggering this sudden change.

Monvelo · 11/09/2026 16:05

It does sound to me like there's something to do with the new teachers 'way'. Different people have different ways, and also different skill levels in picking up on other people's ways, like emotional intelligence or empathy or something. Some of it is innate but i expect some of it you can improve by working on it. So as a practical suggestion, i wonder if the new teacher could have a chat with the old teacher to find out how she handled things.

Phineyj · 11/09/2026 16:02

It's four years until he's a teenager. Approximately half as much life again as he's lived already.

ScaryM0nster · 11/09/2026 16:02

As a different angle, specialist provision isnt a punishment, and is usually what it says on the tin - specialist.

At the moment your son is getting generalists at school, which is a big chunk of his time, and they don’t appear to be doing a particularly good job at supporting him in learning what he needs to life skills wise to exist in a mainstream world.

A specialist provision sooner might actually be in his best interests long term.

Pixiedust49 · 11/09/2026 16:01

PensionPTake · 11/09/2026 15:57

He has an EHCP. All the support he needs should be funded via that. The first thing school should do If they feel they can't manage is call a review and ask the LA for additional funding and support, not start unlawfully excluding a child.

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Having worked in education for many years now funding is woefully inadequate. As is retention of staff. Especially staff expected to work with violent and disruptive pupils.

TimeDoesntStandStill · 11/09/2026 15:59

What consequences are you enforcing at home after his behaviour at school?

If hes so misbehaved that school are calling you to tale him home he should be punished to learn its not acceptable, not just mummy is going to come and take him to relax.

Id have a 24hour technology ban as a minimum and a wriiten letter of apology to the class teacher as a start.

Hes going to be a teenager soon. These are your last years of enforcing discipline, soon it will be too late and he may end up involved with police.

He does need to learn right from wrong to function in society, regardless of labels to give him a chance, think tough love. I dont think bringing him home to rest is any sort of punishment, you need to support the school and his classmates by disciplining him.

Ponderingwindow · 11/09/2026 15:58

I would start by asking for a meeting asap.

At the meeting I would ask why they don’t want to provide a 1:1 aid. Someone should be watching him exclusively to figure out his triggers and prevent them.

I would ask for a breakdown in the cost of dedicated support vs the proposed specialist schools.

i would also ask for their recommend specialist school so you can investigate it as an option. Show you are being open minded, even though you aren’t ready to make a move yet. But you do need to start looking at if this might better serve him.

PensionPTake · 11/09/2026 15:57

Pixiedust49 · 11/09/2026 15:35

Exactly, what are schools supposed to do? They are no resources and not enough staff. People in the media keep complaining about schools not meeting the needs of their children but how can they when run on a shoestring?

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He has an EHCP. All the support he needs should be funded via that. The first thing school should do If they feel they can't manage is call a review and ask the LA for additional funding and support, not start unlawfully excluding a child.

EmmaB1309 · 11/09/2026 15:52

Whether he should be in this school or not and whether the school are right to send him home or not is in some ways a separate issue. If they are sending him home they should be be formally excluding him. They just know that that involves extra work for them. But currently the local authority are failing in their duty to provide him with an education. If they can’t meet his needs in school, then there are procedures they need to follow including involving the educational psychologist. If they aren’t following his education plan and they are not following proper procedure, you need to go to education department. Your OH might be right that he might be more suited to a different setting, but it’s the local authority who have the duty to assess that and find the provision that best meets his needs. What is his diagnosis? You need a sit down meeting where you call actually agree a plan. In the meantime, don’t collect him unless they are formally excluding him. If you take a firm line on this, that will give them the kick up the arse they need to take this seriously. Can you share any techniques you use that could help settle him? Any accommodations they could be making for him?

Phineyj · 11/09/2026 15:52

Can you say a little more about the £2k if you feel you can? That is a heck of a lot. We had to spend a lot on our DD so I get it but I agree with the previous poster that that puts you within reach of private school fees.

In a different environment he might not be so disregulated. You could at least arrange some trial days?

My DD goes to a state comprehensive after attending a private primary that was able to meet her needs.

My friend has just removed her son to the same private primary after a lot of difficulty at the local state (who were absolutely doing their best, but he was sinking).

AhMh67 · 11/09/2026 15:52

my Granddaughter is on the spectrum and was a nightmare at school. She learned to kick off and get sent home. What I did was bring her home and she did nothing. No treats gadgets tv anything. Just sitting she lasted a week and is now back in school full time. She realised it wasn't an easy ride it was total boredom.

Bridgertonisbest · 11/09/2026 15:48

Jacobator · 11/09/2026 13:35

Thanks, yes he does have an EHCP. It is being followed in the sense that they say it is, although i am not convinced everything in it is actually happening all the time. There is meant to be support in class but its not a 1:1 as such and obviously when staff are dealing with other children things can change.

The meltdowns are mostly when he gets overwhelmed or something changes or he thinks something is unfair. He can shout and throw things and sometimes push things over, but he isnt going round attacking children. He does need help to calm down though and apparently that is the problem because they say they dont have the staff available to do it safely.

I dont want him to hurt anybody obviously, and if he was a danger to the other children then i wouldnt be saying just keep him there regardless. But i do think there is a difference between a child being unsafe and a school not having enough adults to support a child who is dysregulated.

Someone asked about attainment, he is actually doing ok academically considering everything. Hes not top of the class or anything but he is not unable to access the work either. His problems are much more around behaviour, communication and coping with the environment.

We have talked about a resource base before but there isnt one particularly close to us and i dont want him travelling for ages every day either. Also this is what i mean about everyone jumping straight to specialist. We havent even managed to get the current school to consistently provide what is in his EHCP and now we are apparently supposed to accept that mainstream isnt suitable.

As for refusing to pick him up, i honestly dont know if i have the nerve to do that. They make it sound like something awful will happen if i dont come and obviously when they ring you saying your child is distressed you arent exactly going to say no sorry he can stay there.

But i am starting to think maybe i have been too cooperative with them. I just dont want DS to end up being punished because adults cant agree what to do with him.

Email the school, copying in your son’s caseworker at the local authority. The school receives a significant amount of money to meet the needs outlined in the ehcp. They’re either not following the ehcp or it needs adjusting.

But I guarantee the caseworker does not know what is going on and they will not be happy. Whenever I’ve copied in the caseworker things have moved very quickly. Believe it or not they are mostly on the side but f the child in these circumstances.

Comeinsideforacupoftea · 11/09/2026 15:48

I think what I did next would depend on what I thought of the school OP. If you think they've generally managed things well then I'd be looking at is there a clash with this current teacher? Is there an option for moving to another class? Does he need a more gradual settling in?

If there's always been an undertone of school not meeting his needs then I'd be looking at changing schools. As pp have said this might not mean a SEN school. Are there any primarys in the area with a PRU or anything like that?

It sounds like your approach when he's sent home is absolutely right focussing on connection and regulating and making clear that there aren't punishments for his behaviour but there are consequences and one of those consequences is to ensure that there is no further unecessary stimulation and a need to work on how to manage his big emotions to further manage unacceptable behaviour.

Original poster
Jacobator · 11/09/2026 15:47

Amberlynnswashcloth · 11/09/2026 15:43

Could there be a cycle developing of him kicking off in order to get out of school?

Can you suggest to school that when his behaviour is unmanageable, they contact you to come in but that you won't take him home - you'll sit with him in the office or in the car until he has calmed down and then return him to the classroom?

I have wondered about that actually because he does calm down quite quickly once he is home, although i dont think he is doing it on purpose to get sent home. He is usually completely exhausted afterwards and says he doesnt want to go back because everyone saw him.

I dont think i could sit in the car with him for hours though and then take him back in. School have said before that once they call me they need me to take him home because they cant have me sitting around on site. I did ask if i could stay with him somewhere while he calmed down and they said it wasnt really practical.

The problem is once ive arrived he knows hes going home anyway, so maybe that is part of the cycle. I hadnt really thought of it like that before.

I dont want him learning that throwing something means mum comes and he gets to leave, but i also dont want to ignore him when hes genuinely overwhelmed and needs me.

Maybe i need to ask them what they actually expect me to do when they ring, because at the moment its basically “you need to come now” and then i take him home. There isnt really anything else offered.

I will ask them if there is a way of calming him down and getting him back into class instead, because if he can do that it would probably be better than him just losing the whole afternoon every time.

OP posts:
roaringdragon · 11/09/2026 15:44

not all of it is education. Some is therapy

In terms of the EHCP, health care provision that educates or trains is actually deemed to be special educational provision. This can cover things like OT, SALT, MH therapies, physio…

Not all independent SS allow parents to self fund, and even when they do, many cost significantly more than £24k, particularly once you start adding therapies in. For most, independent SS isn’t financially possible.

ghostyslovesheets · 11/09/2026 15:43

Madamecholetsbonnet · 11/09/2026 13:40

I agree with PP, this school isn’t able to meet DS needs so you do need to start looking elsewhere. Good luck.

maybe but with an EHCP in place there needs to be a formal review and if the school can’t meet need then a new place needs to be found
agree they are acting badly/possibly illegally and it’s not acceptable- the plan needs reviewing and amending - maybe he needs more robust support in school? Maybe a further learning assessment might be useful etc
you don’t just send a child, with an EHCP you have accepted, home because it’s difficult

Original poster
Jacobator · 11/09/2026 15:43

Jaxhog · 11/09/2026 15:34

It can't be a coincidence that this has started since he got a new teacher. It isn't necessarily the new teachers fault, but their style of teaching, combined with a change, is likely to be the problem. Can he move to another class with a more empathetic teacher?

I have asked about moving him before but they said they dont think it would solve anything and obviously they dont want to move children around just because there is a problem.

I do think there is something about this teacher though. I am not saying she is horrible or anything, she probably has 30 children and has her own way of doing things, but DS keeps saying she is always telling him off and that she doesnt let him have as much time when he gets stuck.

His old teacher was much more used to him and would apparently just know when he was starting to get upset. She would let him go and get his headphones or sit somewhere quiet before it got to the point of him throwing anything. This teacher seems to wait until he is already very upset and then expects him to go to the safe space, which he obviously isnt always willing to do by then.

I did ask school if he could be put with the other teacher in the year but they basically said they need to look at the whole situation first. Which is frustrating because by the time they have looked at it he will probably have been sent home another 3 times.

I dont want to blame the teacher because i dont actually know her and DS isnt exactly the most reliable witness when hes angry lol. But it does seem a very big coincidence that everything has changed since he went into her class.

Maybe he just needs time to settle and im making too much of it, but i really dont think last years teacher would have let it get this far without trying something different.

So yes i will ask again about whether a different class is possible. I just dont know if they will actually agree to it.

OP posts:
Amberlynnswashcloth · 11/09/2026 15:43

Could there be a cycle developing of him kicking off in order to get out of school?

Can you suggest to school that when his behaviour is unmanageable, they contact you to come in but that you won't take him home - you'll sit with him in the office or in the car until he has calmed down and then return him to the classroom?