To say my DS cant keep missing school because the school “cant cope”??

For your son's sake I hope you listen to your husband.vYes it's hard to have to admit you need more help but it is ultimately going to help him. It's hard when our children struggle. It's hard to give up your ideas of how it would go, but your child needs more help. I hope you get it for him.

It is also terribly awkward because THIS IS THE GOVERNMENT'S PUBLISHED FUTURE STRATEGY.

Apologies for shouting but us SEN parents all feel like Cassandra at the moment.

Surely he just needs to go to a more appropriate setting?

I feel for you and for the school and other children. As a teacher, Im honestly in favour of cctv in schools so parents can be made aware of how their children are behaving and how teachers are working. Schools I know wouldnt call a parent in unless it was absolutely necessary.

There have been cases of children with disbilities being managed out of schools. There has been cases where councils have had to pay compensation to the child/family due to not providing education to the child. A child cannot be off school because the school cannot facilitate them, they have to action a plan on where the child will go, if neccesary.

There is a legal requirement, from the school and council to educate the OP's child.

In the nicest possible way: the school has a duty of care towards all staff & children, not just your son. Having regular meltdowns with the the possibility of violence isn't something a class of 9yo should be exposed to on a regular basis.

Maybe specialist school is the right place for your son or at least a specialist 1:1 TA to help him regulate.

I think this is an important viewpoint. A few years ago we had a child at Beavers who sounded very similar to the OP's son. Despite never having laid a finger on any of the other children, the behaviour most definitely had an impact on them. We couldn't meet this child's needs either and the parents refused to engage with any of our concerns in any way. On both of those points we really tried but were limited on what we could reasonably do.

I would ask for a meeting with the school to establish what they intend to do. Because if the funding they have is not sufficient to meet the child's needs then they need to be doing more than just sending him home. I think the school are in a difficult situation here as they've got to balance the needs of all children but if the system isn't working then sweeping it under the carpet will definitely benefit no-one.

Once he is 10, he is criminally liable for his actions.

You can’t compare your sons because they are different. My daughter is autistic and has adhd and spd and struggled so much in primary school. I was called in at least 3 times a week. Minimum. It was so hard and I wish I had thought less about the stigma of a specialist setting and long term concerns over her future and more about the now. Ultimately he’s not settling and therefore not accessing the curriculum and by the sounds of it, neither are the rest of the class when he is unsettled. I fought hard to keep my daughter in mainstream and I often wish I hadn’t as I don’t think it was in her best interests overall. She’s in a specialist setting now and so much happier, I could kick myself for not trying earlier. It took a while as some settings are very extreme and she’s not in the same school as her sibling anymore plus I have to drive her but it’s honestly wonderful for her and I can actually think about the future now as she’s finally learning rather than in fight or flight mode 24/7

Sorry but this is over simplifying it. It sounds as though the school was meeting need, but that the child list isn’t coping this year for some reason. The school may well be trying their best, but if a child doesn’t have a 1-1 and is exhibiting dangerous behaviour like throwing chairs what is the school meant to do? Yes if there is a staff member who can help, great, but what if it’s not working?

My daughter was in a class with a child who threw chairs and they regularly had to evacuate the entire classroom for safety reasons. They spent lots of lessons on edge and many children found it really upsetting and had a whole year of school really disrupted. So I think there’s a balance- with the best will in the world state schools can’t work miracles (they don’t have unlimited staff, lots of staff dont have specialist training, no resources and premises are often really small) and the best solution is one that looks at the needs of everyone, including the teachers and the other kids.

Unfortunately you're going to get a hell of a lot of opinions from people who are woefully ignorant about send on here.

DD's primary did all this and more. Without being asked.

I agree with PP who said he's being managed out.

He doesn't have a 'label', he has a disability.

Yeah, don't consider PRU as an option at this time, there's no need. Once a child goes there is difficult, to near impossible, to get them back into a better environment.

"Why do you have special needs?" "Stop! It's unacceptable."

Yep, that's going to work.

If you're not sure what schools (mainstream or special) there are locally that might suit him, it's worth seeing if there's a Facebook group for local parents of children with additional needs. We have one for my county and it's been invaluable - parents are often discussing school recommendations, which makes it easier to come up with a list of options. Unless you found out what is out there and talk to other parents/talk to the schools/visit them, you won't know what your next steps might be.

Honestly if they've already started sending him home, it's unlikely you'll come back from that. One big difference between mainstream and special schools is that mainstream will often choose to send home one child to avoid disruption to the majority, whereas a special school will do everything they can to keep a child in school (and they have the resources to allow that).

So what would happen if you were at work and cant just drop everything to pick him up,or worked in a city 2 hrs drive away?
On the other hand you cant expect teachers to spend an hr 1 to 1 calming your child down when there are 20 other kids needing teaching. Have you asked your son why he throws these wobblies and explain it unacceptable

Given that this is a sudden change, does seem like the teacher is not handling it great.

If the issue is generally before lunch time:

• is he hungry and would a more substantial snack at break time help?
• are particular lessons the issue - art or technology or drama where there is more chaotic moving around the room than in other lessons for example
• what is the classroom layout like and where is he sitting? How does that compare to last year - is he sitting on a noisy table / near something that makes a repetitive and annoying noise / near the door getting disturbed every time someone goes for a loo break?
• have you seen the classroom - you might be able to identify some small adaptation the teacher hasn't considered?
• can the issue be managed by the teacher finding an errand for him to run / task to do out of the classroom during that period of the day? I don't mean removing him from the class but proactively anticipating that he might need a quick break and sending him to pick up the photocopied worksheets or pop into his old teacher's classroom to get a spare whiteboard pen etc

Given that he was coping reasonably well before, it does seem a bit drastic to move straight to out of school and looking for specialist provision.

Huge sympathy from me as I know it’s difficult.

Agree with working with the school to get his EHCP reviewed and more support put in. The school are going to have to assess what extra support he needs (surely a 1-1 minimum), and whether if that support is in place they think they can meet need. IMO if you start refusing to collect him if he’s having a meltdown they are much more likely just to say they can’t meet need- not to be vindictive but for the safety of staff/ pupils.

I would also start researching special schools now and seriously consider what you’re going to do for secondary. If he’s like this now I think there’s a pretty good chance he just won’t cope with secondary, especially with hormones etc. Are you having regular appointments with your local team in case he needs medication etc?

I do sort of see where your DH is coming from too- state schools just aren’t able to cater for everyone. Whereas in a good special school staff ratios are much higher, the setting is properly adaptable and they are much more able to reduce the timetable etc to avoid overwhelm. I think it’s really worth thinking about for the future if things don’t improve or get worse.

You are going through what a lot of parents across England are going through. It is on the school to accomodate your child as it is their legal requirement. If they cannot they must then find an appropiate option.

A child can't be off from school because the school is unable to do their job. Please research for other cases similar to yours as there are many. Contact your council and MP as the school is failing your child at this point

DD was in a class with a boy who threw chairs and scissors when upset due to unmet special needs. I felt for the child and his parents but to be honest it was a relief when he was removed. She talked about it a lot.

Specialist provision (of which there definitely isn’t enough) is there for a reason. Please try and get a place for your son.

I would look into illegal exclusion as PP have said and getting that paper work trail.

I have a relatives in this situation nursury and previous years in school managed fine with the child - then they had a teacher who apparently couldn't mange him and several other kids behvavior - some moved some parents pushed back. That teacher knew some of child's triggers like touching them and yet still did them because forgot - often leading to child being sent home. Relative agreed to pt for 6 week turned into all year and with constant early pick up or saying child couldn't come in at all - all with no proper paper work but persuably in school notes.

12 months later they are in awful place other local school won't now take child very unlikely to get a special school palce and council caseworker is very new and seems to take the schools word.

If they are saying specialist, and your DH is saying specialist, why aren’t you looking at specialist? He clearly can’t cope and the school can’t make him feel safe enough to cope, so why even question him in mainstream? Move him to a provision that can in fact provide for him.

I'm sorry but I'm with the school on this. If children can't behave appropriately, disrupt the education of their classmates and put other children at risk, then mainstream education is not for them. Schools and teachers can only do so much.