To say my DS cant keep missing school because the school “cant cope”??

If i was at work i would obviously have to leave work, what else am i supposed to do if the school ring and say they cant keep him safe? Luckily i can usually get there but it isnt ideal and ive already had to cancel things because of it.

And i dont expect the teacher to sit with him 1 to 1 for an hour while everyone else does nothing. Thats not realistic. What i have been asking is why there isnt a plan for when they can see hes starting to get overwhelmed, because it doesnt normally go from completely fine to throwing a chair in 2 seconds.

I have asked DS why he does it. He says he gets angry when things are too noisy and when he doesnt understand what hes meant to be doing. He also says he hates being told off in front of everyone because then he gets embarrassed and it makes him more angry.

I dont think he thinks throwing things is acceptable. We have talked about it loads and he knows its not. But knowing something is wrong doesnt always mean he can stop himself once hes got to that point, thats the whole issue.

The before lunch thing is interesting because most of the calls have been late morning. I hadnt really noticed that until someone pointed it out. He does eat breakfast but he is quite fussy and sometimes barely eats his school snack. I will ask him about that.

I also dont know what lessons they have been happening in but i can ask. Last year he was sitting near the back with a quieter group and this year he is apparently nearer the door. I dont know if that is making a difference but it could be.

I havent actually been inside the new classroom properly. I have seen it from the doorway but thats about it. I might ask if i can have a look because maybe there is something obvious that none of us have thought about.

The idea of giving him a little job before he gets to that point might actually work because he likes being useful and he used to help his old teacher with things. His old teacher would sometimes send him to get something and he would come back much calmer.

I am not against trying these things at all. This is why im frustrated that the answer seems to be either keep sending him home or move him to specialist provision. Surely there can be something in between while we work out what is actually going on.

Yes absolutely, but if the school is trying but can’t meet need then the LA need to find a new place. Which can take many months/ years and also is incredibly difficult if the parent is not on board and, frankly, on the LA’s case 24/7. In the meantime the school has a child who isn’t coping and has to deal with this, often to the detriment of the other kids and teachers.

In this situation it’s just not fair for the parent to say “no keep him he’s entitled to an education” and refuse to work with the school if they can.

And yes some schools do get it wrong, 💯 but in the examples I have seen the school hasn’t tried to get a child out vindictively, they’ve just been put in an impossible situation between a crap LA, upset child and angry parent.

This is why people don’t want to go into teaching any more and why so many leave

Yes absolutely, but if the school is trying but can’t meet need then the LA need to find a new place. Which can take many months/ years and also is incredibly difficult if the parent is not on board and, frankly, on the LA’s case 24/7. In the meantime the school has a child who isn’t coping and has to deal with this, often to the detriment of the other kids and teachers.

In this situation it’s just not fair for the parent to say “no keep him he’s entitled to an education” and refuse to work with the school if they can.

And yes some schools do get it wrong, 💯 but in the examples I have seen the school hasn’t tried to get a child out vindictively, they’ve just been put in an impossible situation between a crap LA, upset child and angry parent.

Sorry but this is over simplifying it. It sounds as though the school was meeting need, but that the child list isn’t coping this year for some reason. The school may well be trying their best, but if a child doesn’t have a 1-1 and is exhibiting dangerous behaviour like throwing chairs what is the school meant to do? Yes if there is a staff member who can help, great, but what if it’s not working?

My daughter was in a class with a child who threw chairs and they regularly had to evacuate the entire classroom for safety reasons. They spent lots of lessons on edge and many children found it really upsetting and had a whole year of school really disrupted. So I think there’s a balance- with the best will in the world state schools can’t work miracles (they don’t have unlimited staff, lots of staff dont have specialist training, no resources and premises are often really small) and the best solution is one that looks at the needs of everyone, including the teachers and the other kids.

If forced on the parent that's off rolling.

Having worked in education for many years now funding is woefully inadequate. As is retention of staff. Especially staff expected to work with violent and disruptive pupils.

There have been cases of children with disbilities being managed out of schools. There has been cases where councils have had to pay compensation to the child/family due to not providing education to the child. A child cannot be off school because the school cannot facilitate them, they have to action a plan on where the child will go, if neccesary.

There is a legal requirement, from the school and council to educate the OP's child.

If forced on the parent that's off rolling.

There is no shame in 'labels'... Labels mean that your child can get the help and support that he needs.

The fact that your son is having these meltdowns is proof in itself that the environment isn't the right place for him. Please don't underestimate the damage that this is causing both mentally and to his education, how can a child learn in an environment that doesn't make them feel safe?

If school are staying that they are unable to meet his needs then get that in writing, if they feel they can't then they should be applying for an EHCP, if they're not then you can do it yourself.

An EHCP isn't just for now, that will see him through until he leaves education and beyond so it's vital you get this in place if that's what he needs. If he's not coping now then how on earth will he manage when he gets to secondary age? I realise it's hard but you're nit just thinking about now, you need to think about the future too.

Take it from someone who should have pushed harder.

Join the Not Fine in School facebook page they are an amazing support for anyone with children struggling.

Homeschooling doesn't automatically work either, especially when the parent has to work.

If mainstream isn't appropriate, the school need to work with the LA to find him an appropriate setting.

Sorry this is long and probably doesnt make much sense but i am so fed up and dont really know if im being unreasonable anymore.

I have 2 boys, 12 and 9, both have additional needs although they are very different. DS2 has always been harder in school but usually he manages and we have never had anything like this before. Since going back this September he has apparently been having what they call explosive behaviour and he has now been sent home several times. One day they rang me before lunch and said i needed to collect him because he wasnt able to calm down and they didnt have the staff to keep him safe.

I did collect him because what else can i do, but then its happening again and again. Yesterday they rang and said basically they cant meet his needs at the moment. I said well what does that actually mean because he is supposed to be in school and not sitting at home with me because you dont have enough staff.

They keep saying they are not excluding him and that its a “temporary arrangement” while they look at what support he needs. Sorry but if my child is being told to stay at home because school cant cope with him, what exactly do they think an exclusion is??

I have asked about his support plan and whether they have actually done everything that is in it and i get lots of meetings and people saying they are concerned but nobody seems to actually have an answer. I dont want to keep having arguments with the school because obviously DS has to go there and i dont want things getting worse for him, but i also cant just accept him being kept home every time he has a meltdown.

DH thinks im making this harder than it needs to be and says we should look at specialist provision. I know he might be right but i dont want DS2 being put somewhere just because his current school doesnt want the bother. His brother is at the same school and they are very close, and DS2 already feels different enough without being taken away and told he needs a special school.

And before anyone says we should just pay for extra help, we actually do. Between therapy, assessments, things for school, transport and other bits we are spending over £2,000 a month at the moment. Yes i know thats a lot. We arent sitting on a pile of money, it is coming out of our savings and some of the things are because we have been told to get them privately because waiting lists are ridiculous. Im not saying that means the school owes us anything, just that its frustrating to constantly be told to get more support when we are already trying everything we can.

I am not pretending DS is easy. He can be very difficult when he is overwhelmed and i know the other children need to be safe too. But surely the answer cant just be send him home until he behaves normally? He cant learn how to manage school if he isnt actually allowed to be at school.

DH says im refusing to accept that he needs specialist help and maybe i am. I just feel like once we go down that road thats it, he gets labelled and everyone gives up trying to make mainstream work.

So AIBU to be pushing back on this and saying they cant keep sending him home because they “cant cope”? Or am i the one refusing to accept reality here?

Home school him? Doesn't sound like it's working for anyone atm.

Surely he just needs to go to a more appropriate setting?