To say my DS cant keep missing school because the school “cant cope”??

I think the teacher your DS had last year was probably a very very rare gem, and the teacher he has this year is not necessarily a bad teacher, but is certainly a poor fit for him.

It is exceptionally rare IME for a teacher to be able to spot overwhelm/dysregulation building up and head it off in one pupil while being aware of and in charge of the rest of the class. Exceptionally rare. Expecting this in every class is just not realistic, and if he is constantly getting wound up because the general sound level in the classroom is over what he can manage, and there is a teacher who also has a fairly strict and direct classroom management style, this can be a complete disaster IME because if a child is already on edge because their sensory needs are not being met, then they tend to have more difficult, "on edge" type behaviour, ie, their tone of voice will be blunter and may come across as rude or cheeky, they may be leaning towards being slightly silly, even if not actively disruptive. This is exactly the kind of thing that a strict teacher will often jump on straight away, because in most pupils it would nip it in the bud and prevent the behaviour from escalating. But when you have a child for whom this kind of thing is more of a sign of dysregulation than boundary testing, first of all they are probably not even aware that they are doing this so any kind of correction will come out of the blue for them and be a huge surprise in itself, but secondly, as well as causing their behaviour to be on edge, their ability to cope with various things they find difficult is likely to also be right on the edge. So whereas perhaps normally they could accept being mildly reprimanded and just apologise and keep their head down, if they are already on edge they may experience this as a massive attack and go into a defensive escalation in response. Or whereas normally they might notice something being out of order and know that they are not really supposed to point it out, they may feel that they are unable to ignore it and point it out, which again the teacher may take as them being rude/insolent and so on, or they might misinterpret comments from other pupils as being more derogatory than they were meant which can then look like him overreacting to other pupils.

Sending him to the calm down place when he's already worked up tells me that this teacher is trying to use the tools they have been told to use for this pupil, but does not really understand the purpose of the tool or the time and place to use it. That is not necessarily their fault, and it is highly unlikely to mean they "can't be bothered".

You might be able to manage with an "in between" teacher who is not perhaps as flexible and observant as the previous teacher, but who isn't as rigid and direct as the strict teacher - however, IME, with an in between teacher, you still need a few things to be in place and I don't know from your posts whether they are. Basically he would still need to have support with other sources of stress such as the sensory input, any bullying, needing more time to process certain things etc. And the main one being that he would need to be able and willing to play some part in managing his own regulation level which means that he is able to notice when he is getting to a lower level of dysregulation and be able to communicate this and then go off and use any tools which are available to him. Often this part fails with a strict teacher, because the teacher assumes that the student's attempt to communicate is an attempt to escape or avoid something they don't want to do, or ends up using it as a bargaining chip (which will not work).

Therapies and services outside of school are useful, but unlikely to directly help with school unless the school are working with the therapist, which I've never heard of in a MS school in the UK (possibly if there is a resource "pod" within the school). The support needs to be in place IN school. For my own DS the missing piece of the puzzle was ADHD medication - that seems to bring his capacity for handling the sensory stuff up a bit, enable him not to use absolutely every single brain cell trying to concentrate leaving none to actually do the work, and reduce his emotional volatility/reactiveness so that he wasn't getting to the level of explosive that they needed to call me about it. I'm not personally convinced this is a durable solution, because I suspect it will get to a point again at some point where the demands of the school environment outweigh the support that the medication gives him, and because he was doing much better the school also seem to think that means he doesn't need any support in the classroom any more, which I find quite unlikely and think they are making a mistake expecting him to do without any, but we will see. Unfortunately you get this a lot - it's often a view that a child's needs are just a phase, or a developmental thing they will "grow out of" or their sensory needs are something they will "get used to" and while I'm sure that probably is the case sometimes, I just think they are pushing too fast and misunderstanding the nature of his difficulties.

I do think unfortunately if it's not the case that your DS has a combination of support within the classroom (which could also involve pharmaceutical support ie medication) AND the willingness/ability to manage his dysregulation himself then it might be that a MS school is not the right setting. I don't know whether MS will be right for my DS all the way through. If I knew that there was a setting for him which would offer him the chance to gain the same qualifications and where the classroom support would be there I would grab it in a heartbeat, because it is less important to me that he goes to a "normal" school, than that the school is right for him, but I do want him to have the same opportunities. Where we are, the special schools tend to have different qualifications which take longer to get into standard career routes, so I will keep persisting with MS unless it gets to the point it looks like he would not be likely to achieve the standard qualifications anyway at which point the slower route would matter less.

Please look carefully at the specialised school as this could be life enhancing for your son

He hasn’t been managing in mainstream until now though has he? Or he wouldn’t have an EHCP

Not necessarily, despite what LAs and schools sometimes say, DC do not have to fail/not manage in MS before getting an EHCP. It is actually possible to get an EHCP before even starting.

Apply for DLA again and appeal if refused. DS meets the criteria. On their website, Cerebra has a guide you can use to help you complete the form.

If you haven’t heard of SOSSEN, have you heard of IPSEA? Another charity with information on their website.

School has a legal process it needs to follow and it isn't doing it this is not helpful to anyone just hoping parents will get fed up and try another school is not an appropriate way of getting a good outcome

Ask your local authority if there are any schools close to you that have a SEN hub. That may be a more appropriate provision for him.

Mainstream school isn’t for him, the other students shouldn’t have their education disrupted because of 1 child, I would totally understand & support school decision

EHCP's can help some children manage in mainstream. They aren't only for children who need specialist provision.

It may be nice for YOU to have your sons together at the same school, but have you read The Explosive Child - the central themes of which are 'All Kids Do Well When They Can', and 'A Meltdown is a Cry for Help'. The fact that your son is having meltdowns means that it is not the right environment for him. Put yourself in his shoes - he doesn't want to be melting down, he wants to thrive. He deserves a low demand, nurturing setting that caters to his needs, whatever they are. The EHCP can make sure he gets that, whether it be forest school, a special school, EOTAS, you have a say. But please see his meltdowns as a cry for help and answer them as such, he deserves to be happy and legally he has a right to access an education.

I would ask for an emergency EHCP review and also ask the school for written evidence of how they have been following the existing plan. They would have had to say they could meet the plan for your son to have a place there. I think you need to get to the bottom of whether it's the case that his needs have changed or if the school aren't following the plan and being sent home is the result. Specialist school or not is a different question. I would have the review and get a clearer understanding of what's not working now before making any decisions about changing setting.

The notional SEN budget is money that is supposed to be used to support DC with SEN.

Schools can apply for high needs top up funding. This doesn’t require an EHCP.

Schools also receive pupil premium (and where relevant service pupil premium and/or pupil premium plus). You didn’t say only funding for DC with SEN. You said no extra funding other than for EHCPs.

He's not being punished, but the school can't cope with his needs and behaviour. Focusing their resources on your son would mean many other children going without. Give the school time and/or look into other options.

That’s really helpful to give those clear steps to the OP.

You don’t have to be poor to get Pupil Premium…

Do you understand that "EHCP" is quite a significant "label"?

He hasn’t been managing in mainstream until now though has he? Or he wouldn’t have an EHCP which is already failing and your DH wouldn’t have suddenly started suggesting special schools just as a result of the last couple of weeks.
DS has been scraping through the best he can but maybe he’s coming to a point where it’s too hard for him to keep doing so in mainstream.

The work is getting harder because he wasn’t always in class last year (you mention jobs away from class and quiet space to calm him down), so now the time he’s missed means he isn’t following the progression of this years learning which will increase outbursts which will increase time out of class and continue to compound the issue in a vicious circle.

Older DS will not be at the same school for much longer so maybe now is a good time to start exploring other options for younger DS. As you said, it takes time to find such placements. He’s soon going to need to cope without his brother regardless of school. Properly looking into alternative provision isn’t the same as committing to it- you can keep him in mainstream if you choose but you may find that once you’ve looked/ visited alternatives that you and DS see that there are places that suit him better.

You sound like you don’t want to consider a special school because of your own perceptions- you say how can I explain to him he is being sent to a different school because he has been bad. Please change that train of thought. He’s not being sent to a different school because he’s been bad. He’s being given an opportunity at a place which can offer him the best chance to learn and develop in an environment that suits him for who he is. He doesn’t sound very happy where he is now and has many years of school ahead of him

It's funding. Not from EHCP. You implied there wasn't any apart from the per pupil grant.

There is considerable overlap between SEND and Pupil Premium status.

it doesn’t matter if the school and the OPs DH are saying he should be in specialist provision. The school is acting illegally and will be told this by the LA.

There are incredibly few special school places. Mainstream schools regularly tell parents that their child should be in a special school without any real idea of how hard it is to get a place, and how high the threshold is for entry. It’s so unhelpful when schools do this.

You are right.

So practical steps could be:

You and DH both arrange a meeting. One of you takes notes when the other is talking. Make sure the Head and SENCO are there.
You check the date of the last Ofsted (online).
You write to the LA and request an emergency Annual Review. The IPSEA website should have a template for that.
DH starts making list of alternative schools just in case.
Next time you are asked to bring him home early, you refuse unless they give you exclusion paperwork. Get DH or a friend to back you up if necessary.

Pupil Premium is funding for poor kids not for disabled kids.

OP why are you desperate to force your child through mainstream school when it's clearly unsafe and causing extreme distress to your child and probably every other child in the classroom?

What do they get then?
We have over 50 students with medical care plans. Not a penny extra.
Parents are entitled to get benefits, but schools just have to deal with it.
We are in a situation now that hardly anyone wants to be a first aider, as it’s too frightening.