To say my DS cant keep missing school because the school “cant cope”??

Schools have to show that they are using the equivalent of £6k from existing school SEND budgets before additional funds are allocated to a child. So if your ds was allocated £6k, the school would be spending £12k. I appreciate that it's not enough to fully fund a 1:1, but it's a school's legal requirement to cover the first £6k.

Agreed now my son is in a special school its easier but not as easy as you might think he has a reasonable adjustment every year it vanishes from the classroom and everyone pretends they have no idea what he needs every year I have the conversation on repeat to get him this adjustment next time I might not bother and he can kick off they can deal with the consequences (ok I wont but im pissed off today) in the last few years they have never asked how I can just tell he doesn't have what he needs its obvious when im getting bit and attacked he isnt getting what he needs at school

The problem is too many EHCPs are poor. It relies on parents knowing the law and advocating for their DC.

@Jacobator just because DS was refused before doesn’t mean he isn’t eligible for DLA. He absolutely meets the criteria. Sadly, being refused didn’t mean he wasn’t eligible when you applied before either.

Yesterday there was a thread about school refusal and how we should just make our distressed children go in, be firmer, take away their tech, it's all our own fault for being bad parents in some way or another. You send the kid in and they throw a chair or are disruptive because they can't cope and it's all 'omg you're such a bad parent expecting your child to be in school and making others put up with this'. The irony is almost comical, if it wasn't so bloody depressing. You literally can't win as a parent of SEND children.

Of course. Not disputed and not the sole reason that I suggested mainstream may not be the long term solution for OP’s son

Thank you for the correction, this is really encouraging to hear.

OP I do hope you can get better strategies and support in place for DS. All strength to you!

Me too!

I honestly didnt realise there was this much you were supposed to know yourself.

You are not realistically "supposed to" know this stuff. The system as it works currently is broken/not fit for purpose. In terms of the legal side ie what counts as an exclusion - it's not supposed to work like the schools are doing it but this is what they do because they basically have no good choices. It shouldn't be on parents to put this right. Unfortunately there basically isn't anybody else. Almost every school is doing things like this because they have no choices either so the governing bodies that oversee how schools operate can't stop it. Most parents don't know any of this and can't put it right, and knowing doesn't imbue you with the power to implement any of it either.

I have basically been relying on school telling me what needs doing and obviously that hasnt worked brilliantly.

In terms of what support is needed in classrooms etc and what to advocate for - again, you are not supposed to know this stuff. SEN specialists/support staff such as OTs, ed psych etc know this stuff. Years ago under the older system, your DS would not have been in mainstream for very long if at all, he would have been in a specialist school earlier on and they would know what support he needed. If inclusion was done properly in the first place, all MS schools would have access to SEN specialists, there would be an OT, SALT, behaviour specialist etc working with multiple schools in a LA and so the school would have access to people who know this stuff. This was just never done/funded, so inclusion is a total shitshow with teachers and school staff not knowing what DC need and not listening much to parents because parents' knowledge is so variable and attitudes to boot.

I just keep thinking about DS being told he is going to a different school because he cant behave and that really bothers me.

This bothers me as well. SO many adults see it through this perspective and I feel I am always talking to deaf ears when I try to explain it that it is NOT because of the child's behaviour, it is because a school isn't meeting the child's needs and the child is ending up in extreme distress, of which the behaviour is a symptom. If you do end up considering special schools and looking at them, DO NOT tell DS he will go there "if he can't behave", DO NOT put it on him as a kind of challenge or test that he is passing or failing, and try (if you can, because I failed) to impress upon the school staff that they must not explain it to him this way either and absolutely not threaten him with it in order to try and persuade him to behave. The choice of school (type) is not actually a decision that he has input over at all. It is an adult decision based on what is best for him, it is absolutely nothing to do with choices he makes.

If your DS needed glasses and this was causing him difficulty in learning to read, you would not tell him "You need these glasses because you can't read!" you would tell him "These glasses will help you see things more clearly".

If your DS's shoes were too small and causing him to limp, you would not tell him "You are getting new shoes because you can't walk properly!" you would tell him "These shoes are too small - we need to get some new ones which fit you better".

I know it feels different, because throwing chairs and pushing over tables feels like a behavioural choice but it is not really a choice any more than limping because your feet hurt is a choice.

I reported the thread to @Mumsnet earlier and asked them if they'd move it to SEN.

It requires a hell of a lot less staff time and money to do the latter two of the things I mentioned than what will be getting used right now. So why aren't school doing the last one? Not to mention it's literally the schools job to do those latter two things anyway.

My autistic son kept pushing another possibly autistic child around in the school nursery. Yes I felt embarrassed but he had a right to attend that preschool like any other child. Leaving him at home wouldn't help him learn to behave the correct way.

My autistic son kept pushing another possibly autistic child around in the school nursery. Yes I felt embarrassed but he had a right to attend that preschool like any other child. Leaving him at home wouldn't help him learn to behave the correct way.

I don't know the full details, only that he doesn't have an ehcp. DD says he is bright and articulate, does well in tests. He was much better last year, occasional shouting, but no chair throwing etc, she thinks he is testing this years teacher as she is much softer than the make teacher they had last year. The new female head takes him for a hot chocolate in her office apparently when he does this, whereas last year's male head was nice but strict - so I wonder if it's a male vs female thing. Or that the new teacher allows a lot more chatter which he finds hard.

My son was illegally exited from school as they couldn’t cope. He squarely falls in between main stream not coping (or wanting to cope - definitely dis-regulating on purpose), independents not wanting and Sen schools being unable to provide peers or appropriate education. Welcome to the world of forced home ed. There are actually many of us, I don’t miss the school runs and there is a lot of online help with how to teach. It’s not my chosen career (particularly as it’s unpaid). But my son is very happy and learning well - we don’t have any of the issues the school did as we work how he wants as and when he’s ready, it’s far more productive. I’ve no advice as I never found any help. Don’t believe the Sen schools exist, you might find they won’t have him anyway.

Yep.

My son is in mainstream with fairly extensive needs, 2:1 etc and as part of his EHCP, he gets physio and OT input at school.

if he has uncontrollable anger, I’m not sure what the school is expected to do? Obviously it must be very scary for the other children, and their safety is paramount. Sounds like the school have tried, but nothing is working. I’m not sure how anyone, other than a specialist councillor/therapist could help your DS. It’s not fair to expect the school to have to cope with this every day.

Sorry op its an incredibly difficult situation. I think your dh is correct and you need to change your mindset around specialist provision. You say couldn't stand ds being told he's going there because he can't behave. Thats not the case at all he
would simply be going to a school better able to support him. You also mention none being available close to you and don't want him travelling - yes travelling might not be convenient but surely is preferable to having to collect a dysregulated upset child daily

It isn't as simple as OP just applying for a special school place. The LA will have to agree to it and they will need evidence that his needs can't be met in mainstream and even then, it may go to tribunal. It often takes years.

It isn't the only other option at all as he's just as entitled to an education as any other child and OP can't be legally forced to keep him at home.

@Jacobatorplease step away from this thread for a while. In spite of some really helpful, knowledgeable comments from a few posters, there are an awful lot of posters on here who clearly don’t understand the education and SEND system and are continuing to post offensive and ableist comments.

I suggest that you post in the Special Needs area of Mumsnet where there are some really well informed parents who can offer you support.

I feel so much empathy for you and your son reading this. I’m a school leader and can say with certainty in my school ( and I’m sure in others) we care deeply about the other children and are worried and frustrated by what they have to see and hear and the learning they miss when class evacuation is the only way to keep them safe. It’s a really difficult system to work in with finite resources in school and within local authorities. I’m also concerned that the government drive to reduce suspensions and exclusions and keep as many children as possible in mainstream will stretch us even further.

Therapies and services outside of school are useful, but unlikely to directly help with school unless the school are working with the therapist, which I've never heard of in a MS school in the UK

This can and does happen. It is why improving the EHCP is so important. Not just for direct provision but also indirect provision. Although therapies outside of school can still help.

Why do you think it's about a lack of adults? I've only ever seen parents called for support with dysregulated children as an absolute last resort. Sometimes a child can have 3/4 members of staff supporting to try and stop them from hurting another child or wrecking a classroom. I've had my staff peed on, spat at, scratched and kicked by children. When we've tried everything possible to help a child and then parents will be called - not to send a child home but because they can sometimes help. Often their child does this to the parents too at home and it's been tolerated for so long at home that it's difficult to put these boundaries in place at school. It's sounds like you think his behaviour isn't that bad. Have you started accepting quite extreme behaviour as typical? Throwing things is not okay. Shouting and pushing furniture over is not okay. I guarantee you are also using much softer language than what the school will be using. 'Pushing things over' is probably closer to wrecking classrooms and the class having to evacuate. Do you realise the amount of explaining staff are having to do to other children's parents about the disruption and upset your child is causing? Its not fair on the other 29 children in a mainstream school and it's not fair on staff. I urge you to work with the school and LA (lawyer up if you need to) so you can get a specialist placement for your child. It's not fair on him either being in a place where his needs aren't being met. Start now cause the waiting lists are years.