To say my DS cant keep missing school because the school “cant cope”??

I know school places are expensive. I've got two kids in the system and I know that at times they've cost the taxpayer more per year than I have ever earnt in a year (each). So I don't doubt we need to figure out ways to save money and make the system more efficient.

But I'd just like to know where "regularly... in excess of £100k" comes from in your message above ? Just did a little research and it seems that if the entire "high needs" budget is spent on kids with EHCPs then that works out at an average of between £18-21k per child per year depending on which figures I used... Maybe my math is bad but if you can point to where your figure comes from I'll be happy to eat my words.

https://www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/what-are-ehc-plans-and-how-much-is-spent-on-them-b1236820.html

https://explore-education-statistics.service.gov.uk/find-statistics/education-health-and-care-plans/2026

https://www.nao.org.uk/press-releases/special-educational-needs-system-is-financially-unsustainable/

https://www.nao.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2025/10/Department-for-Education-Overview-2024-25.pdf

Of course schools are there for behaviour management! It's not their main purpose but it's an essential building block before any learning can take place.

It's a big chunk of teacher training these days, and rightly so as a wider range of children are in mainstream schools.

I agree. And with your pp. It's the system - we need more specialist schools. Of course every child deserves an education but it shouldn't be at the cost of others.

Suspect some of these comments would be fewer if their child was SEN. But for the grace of god eh.

'And that’s because the various governments have pushed fur those children to stay in mainstream school. Whixh was hailed as an amazing step forward at the time because it meant being more inclusive. This was seen as great both for the SN pupils and for the others - learning to live alongside each other, better understanding etc….'

That approach is wrong. It doesn't work. They know it now (they probably did then but saves money doesn't it).

Teachers know very well they’ll have all sorts of children in their class including pupils with SN.

And that’s because the various governments have pushed fur those children to stay in mainstream school. Whixh was hailed as an amazing step forward at the time because it meant being more inclusive. This was seen as great both for the SN pupils and for the others - learning to live alongside each other, better understanding etc….

Its a bit rich to now grumble that those same chikdren are disruptive etc… and that ‘teachers haven’t got into teaching to deal with those children’

Every child is entitled to an education. OP's son is no different and it doesn't make OP any more entitled than any other parent sending their child to school.

Again, it isn't OP's fault that the LA's and government make things so bloody impossible for SEND parents.

That isn't OP's responsibility. She has to think about her own child and taking him out would mean receiving no more educational support for him as the LA would no longer be legally responsible to provide him an education.

Blame the government and LA's who are making specialist schools harder and harder to attend for children who may not be suited to mainstream.

With the potential SEND reforms, it is also going to get much worse as even more children will be expected to manage in mainstream.

Why is one kids education more important than the other 29 kids education? Their lessons will be disrupted all day every day.

Why is one kids education more important than the other 29 kids education? Their lessons will be disrupted all day every day.

He really doesn’t.

The worst thing a parent can do in this situation is agree to home school. This removes any responsibility the LA have for meeting the child’s legal entitlement to a full time education. ( they will be able to wash their hands of him and hand over responsibility for his education to the parent, save for one or two visits).

I say that as an ex primary headteacher and senior advisory staff.

I am doing things though, i probably just havent put all of it in the OP because i didnt think i needed to write out our whole home life.

We have talked to DS about what is happening and we talk about it again when he is calm. We have tried to find out what is triggering it and he keeps saying noise, being told off and getting stuck with work. We have also asked school what they have noticed because obviously they see him in a different environment to us.

At home his routine is pretty consistent. He sleeps well most of the time, eats properly although he is fussy, and we dont let him sit on screens all night. He has clubs and does swimming and football when he is able to. We arent just letting him do whatever he wants because he has SEN.

There are consequences at home if he deliberately does something wrong, but i dont give him a sanction for having a meltdown because i dont think that is going to teach him how to regulate himself. If he throws something because hes angry we deal with the behaviour and talk about it afterwards, but im not going to pretend its the same thing as him calmly deciding to break something.

I think the distinction is getting lost on here between parenting him and supporting him in school. Obviously it is our responsibility to teach him right from wrong. But if he has an EHCP and the school has agreed to provide certain things, i do think they have some responsibility for putting those things in place.

I have emailed the SENCO asking for written information about what provision has actually been happening and what they think isnt working. Im also going to request the emergency review rather than just keep having these informal conversations.

I didnt know about SEN hubs so i will look at those as well. There seems to be about 500 different types of provision once you start looking and i honestly find it all very confusing.

And yes ive heard of IPSEA now, thanks. I hadnt realised how much information there was out there until this thread.

I will look at DLA again too although i am not sure he would qualify because we were refused before. I will read the Cerebra guide first and see.

I am not saying school need to know every single thing about him. But if they are saying his needs have changed so much that they cant keep him safely in school, then surely they need to tell me what they are seeing that is different and what they think needs to happen next.

I am happy to do my bit. I just dont think my bit is to make him behave perfectly at home so that school dont have a problem with him. If he is struggling in that environment then we need to work out why and what support actually helps.

You can take a long term view, work with the school, work towards DC developing independence and other skills, etc. while also not allowing the LA and school to get away with acting unlawfully. I completely disagree that challenging unlawful behaviour doesn’t help long term.

“As a parent you do have to learn that resources are scarce and your child is not the only one that counts.
In terms of illegal exclusions, other pupils aren’t relevant. Other pupils aren’t a get out of jail free card allowing the school to act unlawfully. In terms of provision in EHCPs and that provision being delivered, other pupils aren’t relevant either. Provision in EHCPs is based on needs, not other pupils or resources and the LA has a duty to provide the provision in F regardless of other pupils or what resources they say are available.”

@roaringdragon - you keep saying all of this. But at the end of the day, it is clear the OP is trying and hoping to take a long term view. She is desperate for her child to be part of society and function as normally as possible with all the shit/noise/stress that entails in relationships/the work place etc. So shielding him completely is not what she wants! She wants him to develop the communication skills to signal early distress and the teacher to spot them too - both working together. That is pretty clear from her replies. It is specifically what she is asking for and a way to get that.
Going nuclear on this that and the other lawfulness and accommodations may help temporarily and may help in a burn out situation, but it really does not work long term for many kids. It is OK to be socially and emotionally delayed, but what she doesn’t want is the system to arrest her child and babyfy them for life. She made that pretty clear and also that he is achieving well enough academically. He just cannot regulate socially and emotionally and now that things are harder academically. Which is entirely typical for year 5 as they prepare for the key stages of learning now.

I honestly didnt realise there was this much you were supposed to know yourself.

You are not realistically "supposed to" know this stuff. The system as it works currently is broken/not fit for purpose. In terms of the legal side ie what counts as an exclusion - it's not supposed to work like the schools are doing it but this is what they do because they basically have no good choices. It shouldn't be on parents to put this right. Unfortunately there basically isn't anybody else. Almost every school is doing things like this because they have no choices either so the governing bodies that oversee how schools operate can't stop it. Most parents don't know any of this and can't put it right, and knowing doesn't imbue you with the power to implement any of it either.

I have basically been relying on school telling me what needs doing and obviously that hasnt worked brilliantly.

In terms of what support is needed in classrooms etc and what to advocate for - again, you are not supposed to know this stuff. SEN specialists/support staff such as OTs, ed psych etc know this stuff. Years ago under the older system, your DS would not have been in mainstream for very long if at all, he would have been in a specialist school earlier on and they would know what support he needed. If inclusion was done properly in the first place, all MS schools would have access to SEN specialists, there would be an OT, SALT, behaviour specialist etc working with multiple schools in a LA and so the school would have access to people who know this stuff. This was just never done/funded, so inclusion is a total shitshow with teachers and school staff not knowing what DC need and not listening much to parents because parents' knowledge is so variable and attitudes to boot.

I just keep thinking about DS being told he is going to a different school because he cant behave and that really bothers me.

This bothers me as well. SO many adults see it through this perspective and I feel I am always talking to deaf ears when I try to explain it that it is NOT because of the child's behaviour, it is because a school isn't meeting the child's needs and the child is ending up in extreme distress, of which the behaviour is a symptom. If you do end up considering special schools and looking at them, DO NOT tell DS he will go there "if he can't behave", DO NOT put it on him as a kind of challenge or test that he is passing or failing, and try (if you can, because I failed) to impress upon the school staff that they must not explain it to him this way either and absolutely not threaten him with it in order to try and persuade him to behave. The choice of school (type) is not actually a decision that he has input over at all. It is an adult decision based on what is best for him, it is absolutely nothing to do with choices he makes.

If your DS needed glasses and this was causing him difficulty in learning to read, you would not tell him "You need these glasses because you can't read!" you would tell him "These glasses will help you see things more clearly".

If your DS's shoes were too small and causing him to limp, you would not tell him "You are getting new shoes because you can't walk properly!" you would tell him "These shoes are too small - we need to get some new ones which fit you better".

I know it feels different, because throwing chairs and pushing over tables feels like a behavioural choice but it is not really a choice any more than limping because your feet hurt is a choice.

And @Binnyforthewin.

Unfortunately, there is a no win for anyone here.

The costs associated with the demands some parents make for school places are astounding. It is not uncommon for places in special schools to cost the LA in excess of £100,000 per child per year. This is funded from the LA SEN budget, the same budget that has to include all children with SEN.

Sadly, due to the Conservative government cutting LA budgets combined with the academy system, means that there is a gap in SEN provision, filled by expensive private venture.
My LA have had plans approved, for five years plus, for a new special school but due to the academy system LA’s can no longer open new schools, only a DfE appointed trust can. Finding a trust to do this/that has the capacity to do this has taken years. We now have another three empty school sites awaiting trusts too.

The system was left a mess!

The school is very likely acting unlawfully in two distinct areas: illegal exclusions and a failure to deliver statutory SEN provision.

It is completely understandable that you do not want to see the school as "evil" and that you care about the safety of other children. However, schools are bound by strict legal frameworks. Wanting to protect everyone does not give a school permission to bypass the law.

"we can't safely accommodate him today" or "it's best he comes home to calm down" are classic examples of informal and unlawful exclusion.

Every time they send him home informally:- It does not show up on official statutory attendance records, hiding the true extent of his breakdown at school.
It denies you your legal right to appeal or submit written representations to the Governing Body. It deprives your son of his legal right to education.

Throwing a chair or pushing a table when completely overwhelmed is a manifestation of his distress/disability, not calculated malice. Expecting a 9-year-old in a state of sensory overload to "learn he can't behave like this" via strict reprimands rather than providing sensory breaks and de-escalation fails to make reasonable adjustments.

There is a vast difference between placing a child in a mainstream classroom and actually including them. What your son is currently experiencing is integration, not inclusion.

Integration (What is happening now): Placing a child with additional needs into a standard mainstream environment and expecting them to adapt, conform, and cope with the exact same demands as neurotypical peers with the threat of strict discipline or being sent home if they cannot.

True Inclusion (What the law requires): Adapting the environment, teaching methods, and sensory conditions so that the child can access education safely and effectively.

Telling a 9-year-old in sensory overload that he "needs to learn he can't behave like this" misplaces the responsibility. Under the Equality Act 2010 and the SEND Code of Practice, inclusion requires the school to adapt to the child’s disability, not demand that the child mask or suppress their disability until they explode. True inclusion would mean:

Recognising his distress signals before a meltdown occurs.

Allowing him to leave a noisy classroom to go to a designated quiet area without it being treated as a disciplinary failure.

Training new staff on his specific profile rather than applying a blanket "strict" behavioral approach.

Year 5 is historically the point where mainstream primary schools drastically escalate academic pressure, pace, and formal classroom management in preparation for Year 6 Key Stage 2 SATs.

Environmental Shift: Year 5 classrooms often become much more rigid, noisy, and focused on formal table-work, past papers, and silent working time. Teachers feel immense pressure from school management to hit specific attainment targets.

Reduced Tolerance for Disruption: Because of the impending pressure of Year 6 SATs, tolerance for anything that interrupts the structured flow of the lesson drops significantly. This explains why his new teacher may be taking a strict "zero tolerance" stance.

Off-Rolling / Exclusion Push: It is a well-recognised pattern in the state education system that SEN pupils facing high levels of anxiety or dysregulation often see an increase in suspensions or informal "off-rolling" during Year 5. Schools often push for a move to a special school before Year 6 so the pupil's scores do not impact their published SATs performance data, or simply because they feel they lack the resources to support them through the SATs preparation period.

The school are pulling a fast one on you and your son. There's a word for them but I'd have to see you next tuesday to tell you it.