AIBU to feel embarrassed by my mum's lack of self care?

I'm 46 and I don't wear makeup and I don't care much about my apparence. But just like you I find personal hygiene extremely important and I do want to look "clean and proper".
@Anonladyx There must be something very wrong with your mother in order for her to be so oblivious to basic hygiene. I don't want to scare you but my mum got dementia in her fifties and doctors first thought it was a depression. Not until I went in to a meeting with her and told them they were wrong- my mother wasn't depressed at all- she was completely lost and her personality had changed radically- did they start relevant testing. Can you go to the gp with her and talk about your concerns? How is her housekeeping/ eating/ cognitive skills and memory?

I feel you are maybe conflating one issue and one non-issue. Messy hair, no interest in clothes etc- all fine. Low hygiene and lack of dental care- not fine. I also wondered about depression or mental decline.

Well bless your heart, I'm autistic and in spite of sensory issues and fragile skin, I make sure to shower, brush teeth and keep tidy, laundry and all. Kindness, please!

I think there ways to separate this. Not caring about your appearance and personal hygiene are two separate issues. I’m having this exact issue with my teenager. (Though obviously a different dynamic than your situation) my daughter doesn’t like skin care make up never has she likes T-shirts and jeans. I not only accept that but I embrace it, this is who she wants to be and is completely comfortable in her own skin- love this about her! But, she won’t brush her hair she looked at me like an alien when I suggested she took a brush to school. I have to really be insistent that she washes her hair and takes showers, pester her to clean her teeth. These to me are absolutely non negotiables. She can look however she likes but she can’t be dirty. Now I know that doesn’t really help with your dynamic. But in my mind I do think you have two separate issues as long as her clothes are clean surely she can wear what makes her feel comfortable even if it’s not to your taste- I think you have to change your mindset on that the judgement is coming from you and sadly the human race judges women by their appearance rather than who they are and that’s completely wrong. Her worth isn’t measured by her waist line. The hygiene element however is something you might need to consider talking with her. I know that conversation might be incredibly difficult, but it is linked to her health.

it reminds me of the poem about when I’m older I’m going to wear purple and then the poem goes on about how old age is freeing because that constant judgement about how to look how to be has gone and she’s dreaming of a day when she can just be her.

I think we have the same mum! Same age and I could have written what you did word for word 😅 no advice but you have my solidarity

I beg your fucking pardon? No it categorically does NOT sound like autism whatsoever! What an appalling statement to make

Haven’t read the full thread but it sounds like she’s reached the stage whereby she needs carers or a carer? Maybe just once per day to help her with these tasks?

I think a direct approach is best - "Mum, I want to bring Mike to meet you but can you spruce up a bit for the occasion, please."
Don't let it go because it will come between you, and it sounds like you have a lovely relationship otherwise.
I think it is natural that you are embarrassed and if there isn't a medical reason I think she just needs to hear the unvarnished truth from someone who loves her.

66 is a bit young to get like this so you need to investigate. Sadly once women get to a certain age they might leak a bit. However there should be an awareness of this.

Trust me, there’s definitely more than one!

I work with people with autism and yes these all sound like common sensory issues linked to autism. Not washing, not teeth brushing, wearing the same clothes, can be all sensory.

Can you be honest and kind at the same time?

It does sound quite extreme and I would have in my mind that it could be the start of a mental decline (I mean dementia type illness). Is there anything else about her presentation that’s worrying at all?

Sounds like she maybe depressed maybe?

Did she meet your care needs as a child? Were hers met when she was a child?

Please stop apologising and feeling guilty about how you are feeling. You sound like a wonderful daughter dealing with a very difficult situation. It sounds like your mum is in desperate need of help. Would she let you go along to the GP with her? As much as you love your mum you must look after yourself. You can not make everything better. Take care of you and hope mum gets and accepts the help she needs .

It's getting absolutely tedious isn't it?

Indeed.
Its the answer to everything now.
(will just add- I have adhd and asd and I bathe regularly 😂)
It sounds like possible low mood.
Or... she genuinely might not give a toss, in which case - its up to others to accept that.

She may be depressed with her teeth so no motivation to do her hair or dress nicely. Maybe a consultation with a dentist if she could afford it would be a good place to start.

If she's saying she's a "mess" I'd use that as a jumping point to tackle it.
I know it's ingrained to say 'No you don't!' but that's both lying to her and not really helping. The fact she's asking could be a bit of a cry for help, or at least her vaguely acknowledging that she knows something isn't quite right, so use it as an opportunity.

Try something like, 'What do you mean?' or 'Why do you say that?' to see what she responds. Then depending on how open she is say 'If I'm honest I have noticed that you don't seem to be taking care of yourself in the same way you used to. Is everything okay?'

Keep it focussed on the things she used to do but now doesn't/basic hygiene (showering, haircut, teeth brushing etc.) rather than things she never did anyway, as at least then you can keep it focussed as a change in herself rather than her not being like you/society's expectations etc.

Wearing the same clothes every day might be a bit unusual but isn't in itself unhealthy, but not washing/brushing your teeth is.

Can you not just be more joky and direct. Eg. If we're going out for dinner you need to find a cleaner top. Im not going out with you looking like that etc

My God, there is always one…

I honestly don’t think it matters if she takes it personally OP. Brushing your hair and teeth and having a shower is very basic. I would tell her that it is very worrying that she doesn’t do these things and I would also tell her that you don’t want to go out with her unless she does these things.

She obviously needs to hear it from someone that loves her.

Sounds like autism

Is there any chance of neurodiversity here and becoming more of an issue in menopause? Many ND people have sensory issues with showering and hair brushing. For me, I get to like the clothes I’m wearing as they seem the best thing at the time and so I do tend to buy multiples so I can chuck in the wash and carry on with something similar.
But also - we all have a different idea of personal grooming. My hair is curly and I wouldn’t dream of combing it or washing daily. I don’t shave and don’t often wear makeup. But I do like clothes and earrings and I do shower daily.

I'm at your Mum's stage of life and am blissfully indifferent to how I look. All those years of dieting, make-up and following fashion are happily behind me - not that I was ever all that invested in them. However, personal hygiene, dentistry, regular laundry and general self care are very important to me. Nobody wants to be a smelly old relic! I wonder if your Mum is depressed without really consciously being aware?