AIBU to feel embarrassed by my mum's lack of self care?

It definitely sounds like depression. You say she no longer works implying she has the time to look after herself, but not working is very often tied to self esteem (and also, if she used to shower and present herself better she may now be thinking “what’s the point? I’m not going anywhere important” etc).

I would start the conversation from that perspective. “How are you feeling since finishing work? Because you don’t really seem like your old self” - just try to get her talking. It might feel easier to address if it doesn’t seem like the purpose of the conversation but just a little thing also related.

I don't think not going to the hairdressers is something I would mention. Not brushing her hair, not changing her clothes, the lack.of teeth and aversion to water/hygiene well they are valid things to cause concern. It is going to be very difficult. Has she ever been that bothered about appearance? If not you need to accept that she may not choose to be as groomed as you. There are however some things that are basic

How old is she? Neglecting personal hygiene and be an early sign of dementia x

Don't be embarrassed - you're not responsible for the way she presents herself.
I can only suggest that you tell her how great she looks when she does make an effort - If you show your approval for something, she might want to do it.

Was she poorer when young, didn’t have enough money for regular hair cuts or good skincare? Does she have a dentist? I would treat her to a haircut and possibly a manicure, massage or some acupuncture if you think she would enjoy it. Maybe a day out with a trip to the theatre or a gallery and lunch would be fun.

see I find this really strange- that it doesn’t bother you. I just wouldn’t want anyone to see me without a bra, not even my family.

You don’t sound at all judgemental or mean, you sound like a loving daughter who cares about her mum. Could you book a pamper session for you both? Hair or spa day, getting a colour analysis done or Mac make over? If stars reluctant say you won it as a surprise or something. She might be more motivated once she sees some glimmers of how she could look. They say if you look good, you feel good and it may give her the boost she needs x

Some people just genuinely aren't interested in their appearance. Some people wear scruffiness with a sense of pride. What in some people this may be a sign of self neglect or depression is just benchmark normal for others

I'm only a bit younger than your mum and I can empathise with her. I try to make an effort not to look a total mess but frequently get out of the house and realise I haven't brushed my hair or that I'm covered in dog hair.

I've never really cared about my appearance although when I worked outside the home (WFH now) I made an effort to look professional and meet the dress code, wore makeup etc.

Lockdown was the killer for me. I didn't wear a bra for weeks on end. My hygiene levels slipped. I have always been meticulous about clean teeth though.

Fortunately, my family aren't bothered by my appearance. Not sure I'd listen if they were though! It's my life.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
I think this is one of those times.
She needs to see a dentist urgently, change her personal hygiene habits urgently and then the appearance stuff can follow. But showering and looking after your teeth are not optional. If she is not doing those things then it needs to be addressed, frankly.

I wanted to say this...some ill health is utterly draining, poor sleep, hot flashes..so you sweat etc
...it would explain a lot

I am 63, never really wore make up or fussed about my appearance. And to be honest I shower less than I used to and I will often wear clothes two days running (not underwear) as I discovered one side effect of getting older is that I sweat less than I did.

However, what you describe is more than that. You seem to be describing a lack of self care, rather than me making conscious decisions.

As others have said, it may be mental health issues or the start of dementia. Or it could be brain fog caused by the side effects of medication.

It could be that she is finding some tasks more difficult - maybe there is a physical problem she is hiding? We have a shower over the bath, and part of why I skip a shower some mornings if I am not going out is that some days my knee hurts and I don't want to clamber in and out of a wet bath, and possibly slip. We have discussed taking out the bath and having just a shower, we just haven't got round to doing it.

I agree with other comments that the next time she complains she looks a mess, deal with it head on. Say, "well, yes, you do a bit" and go from there.

Could you approach it instead did being about her appearance but make it about her health? Eg dental hygiene is important because of the connection to heart disease, washing and keeping clean risks skin infections and sepsis.

What do your sisters think? Can you all put together and buy a lovely care package to get her started, and feel special and cared for, doesn't have to be expensive , boots and m&s have nice toiletries, shampoo, hair treatment, new towels, a couple of simple outfits that mix and match and she doesn't have to think about what goes with what.

Next have a range of multi packs called The Set, everything goes with the whole range.
https://www.next.co.uk/shop/womens/f/brand-theset?p=1#0

I think you have to be blunt. Tell her she isnt showering enough and needs to wash her clothes more.

My mum has zero interst in her appearance but she showers, keeps her hair tidy, wears clean clothes.

Id be questioning why she isnt managing basic hygiene

I am your Mom's age and my adult children would very quickly tell me if l wasn't clean or wearing clean clothes. And we all get on great.
So l would be very direct saying why are you letting yourself go? What's happening here? If you are all going out together l would insist she dresses up..maybe say Mom you pop in the shower and l am going to get out that nice top l bought you that you never wear. We are dressing up today. Come straight out.
Could you do a load of laundry when you call home just in case she is beginning dementia and is lacking capacity to do these things now.
Is she keeping the house clean? Is she cooking for herself? If she has dropped all these too l would be talking to her about seeing her GP.

Has she been in any romantic relationships that you are old enough to remember? Was she with your dad for a long time? What was she like then? Did she stop caring once she became single or has she always been like this? What's she like with household chores like cleaning and tidying?

This is self neglect and could be a sign of something serious like dementia or depression - would she let you go to her GP with her to discuss everything ?

I have a brother like this. I've come to accept it - he is who he is.

She's only 66. That's no age . Im 62xand seriously ill. Im not allowed to shower because I have a medical implant but I do bathe as I can get the bottom half wet but not the top. I have some body wipes,like baby wipes but huge which I use when bathing is too much. Im hoping I don't smell.

Could your mum have something wrong with her, that shes not told you about? Chronic illness takes it out of you and things just become so much effort.

Only wearing limited clothing and personal hygiene issues points to potential mental health issues. Not liking haircuts or makeup isn’t really a problem if she was clean

I’m nearing 60 and I’ve also stopped worrying what I look like. I probably haven’t gone to the same lengths as your mum but I can definitely see how someone would. It’s quite amazing when you get to this age how few shits you actually give about appearance.

My mum went through a really bad phase of having very strong BO when I was around your age and she would have been mid fifties. I don't know why but I felt too embarrassed to raise it with her. I'm sorry to say that her boss had to speak to her about it and mum was absolutely mortified and dreadfully upset. I in turn felt awful that I haddn't plucked up the courage to tell her. Please try to find a way of speaking with her - it's awful if someone else does.

I felt the same about my Mum. No advice but just wanted to say that me and my sibling felt the same as you. Mine got even worse and got smelly as well. It’s sad really because no one really wants to hug a Mum that looks and smells dreadful do they? I don’t know if you’ll get a bit of grief in here but there’s a big difference between someone being glamorous and looking like they’ve been dragged through a hedge / dirty.

I do understand being embarrased introducing people to your parents. I think I'm very different to my parents, and I've always been worried people will judge me based on how they act. But over time, I've come to realise anyone who already knows me is unlikely to change their opinion based on meeting my parents. If it makes things easier, you could give your partner a heads up that your mum is struggling or is quite different from you.