AIBU to feel embarrassed by my mum's lack of self care?

Just on the autism point, I have lots of autistic family members who all visit a dental hygienist and a dentist every 6 months. They floss and water pick. They have great teeth. They also shower every day.

If she is losing teeth she might well have gum disease. Her teeth must hurt - it must be hard to chew stuff. She sounds like she'd be down for four hours with a dental hygienist where they do a quadrant per hour - obviously spaced out appointments while they clean off tartar and then a dentist assessing what can be done for the remaining teeth. Gum disease can have all sorts of systemic effects. I mean has she ever gone to the dentist? Her breath must smell really bad.

I'm thinking we're well past the point of tinted sunscreen! Nor is perfume going to hide the smell of an unwashed body and rotting teeth.

I am 62 and do care about my appearance. My hair is coloured and deep conditioned on a regular basis. My eyebrows are groomed. I have all my teeth. I do wear make up. I do keep my wardrobe current - buying a few new pieces a season and ruthlessly relegating clothes that no longer flatter me or are outdated to a local charity shop. I get clothes tailored and adjust hems so things fit. I definitely wear a bra - if it's fitted properly I think it's a lot more comfortable than everything jiggling around.

Now it sounds like your mother was not a clothes and makeup person ever but this seems to be a new level of neglect. I understand how you feel. I don't think you want your mother to look glamorous but simply clean and tidy. I would be embarrassed too about introducing my mother looking like that and I'm not enough of a hypocrite to pretend otherwise. This has got nothing to do with whether you love her. Hopefully, your boyfriend is understanding about the situation because I think your mother is very unlikely to change .

Really? I thought it was the appropriate term. When my DCs were at university they referred to the bags of such products from boots and food from Tesco as mum's care package. Didn't realise it heralded carers imminent arrival!

I thought it could be the start of dementia too

Lack of showering stood out to me and the same shoes whatever the weather.

I think you’re right to be concerned about her hygiene op. Does she have issues with body odour?

I do think some of what you say goes too far though. ‘Looking glamourous’ is not a priority for many women regardless of age. Not getting regular haircuts is also not an issue.

I would hear your DM's style.
Does she prefer showers or baths?

She likes comfortable clothing and shoes that are easy to put on and cool.
Stay with her for a night or two and learn her favourite brands and size.
Brush her hair with conditioner while you are watching TV. Ask if she would like you to trim five inches off her hair. Leave the brush there.
Only give her gifts of ..
hair products, towel and bath soaks.
her favourite sandals in dark colours, woollen socks the same colour.
cardigans
puffer jackets
her favourite trousers

Outings ...
casual cafe lunches and coffee
to try out favourite perfume
to hair cut
to dental check up
to massage

Make sure she has more items to encourage changing clothes more often.
Preen her more and compliment.

The only actual advice I would give is to say that her breath smells like she needs a dental check and that only a daughter can give you this intimate advice.

Encourage GP check up each year.
Praise her skin and offer her your tinted sunscreen when out walking.

I find people like your mother are a total breath of fresh air. Would you enjoy her company more if you were out doors walking the fields and beaches?
Would you and your bf have a nicer time out working in her garden together?

Have you or could you tactfully discussed your concerns with your DM in any way?
Have you asked her how she is feeling atm?

I pretty much never wear a bra at home, I find them so uncomfortable.

During winter if I'm going out somewhere and I know I won't need to take my jacket off I don't wear one either because no one can see my nipples through a thick coat!

Im your mum’s age and I find a lot of personal care beyond tedious. Washing my hair in particular. I do it because I hate the smell of unwashed hair! I’d start by getting her to the dentist and then the hairdresser for a shorter haircut. Once her teeth are sorted out and she’s got a hairstyle that’s easy to manage, she may find other things easier.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think that while the OP is probably reasonably well intentioned that I find her attitude pretty patronising, judgemental and superior. She is clearly embarrassed by her mum. She says her mum has never been that interested in her appearance, so this is not a huge personality change suggesting dementia or depression. People are, allowed to have different standards and ideas of what is important without being chastised or criticised.

I am 62 and while I do get regular haircuts (mostly because I prefer short easy to look after hair) I'm fairly lax about my general appearance these days, never wear make up, seldom wear a bra, only ever wear comfy clothes and shoes. I also don't shower more than a couple of times a week at most, as I find a daily wash keeps me acceptably clean and unsmelly. I also wear clothes (other than socks and underwear) for a few days at a time, because if they don't smell and aren't dirty/stained, why are you washing them daily? I find all of this quite liberating and am enjoying this giving few fucks stage of my life.

I think moden society is obsessed by a standard of cleanliness that is way over the top and unnecessary. I do however draw the line at always having good dental hygiene, but if the OP's mum has few teeth left then that ship has probably already sailed.

If either of my DDs were to start giving me their opinions on how I lead my life I'd be royally pissed off and would tell them to fuck right off and mind their own business!

Yanbu, you sound like you love her

But she sounds poorly imo x

Behaviour like that could suggest depression or even cognitive issues. Has she always been like this or is it a fairly recent development?

A care package is indeed a box of nice, useful or tasty items. The term originated during WW2, I believe, when mothers, wives, and sweethearts sent packages of home baked goods, hand-knitted socks, etc. to men off fighting, to show they cared.

It sounds as if she is seriously depressed.

Lack of personal hygiene is a symptom.

If nothing else, please get her to see a doctor for an assessment.

Read up on executive function. This is how your brain works in recognizing and prioritizing things. This can be impacted by mental health, trauma, neurodivergence, cognitive decline and intellectual disability. It may help you understand initiation of personal care.

Id also try to understand what does motivate her. Obviously not fashion but does she want better health? Regular showering and moisturizing is way better for skin integrity as well age.

Your mum may also like the feeling of being invisible that if she doesn’t prioritize her self care that she doesn’t feel rejected by the world. (Ironically she may stand out through neglect but part of her brain doesn’t know that).

You sound like a lovely caring daughter, not horrible at all so don’t beat yourself up. I think she sounds depressed, my brother is like this and he suffers from depression. He just can’t summon up the energy or motivation to do self care.

I think you need to mention it to her, you can’t really beat about the bush. Ask her to tell you honestly how she’s feeling. Say to her you think she’s changed and want to help her. I do feel for you though, it’s a difficult one.

She sounds like my sister who has mental health problems. My sister, while she might shower and wash her hair every few days, would wear ancient fleeces with old food stains on them and old runners that are falling apart. She has long curly hair and often wouldn’t get it cut for years and it’s would resemble a birds nest as she wouldn’t be able to brush it properly.

Maybe just ask her gently why she's not washing, etc. She might be really down on herself and struggling where to start to make changes? If you offer to make a dental appointment for her, she might appreciate your that. Do you know any hairdressers that do home visits, as she might not like going to salons?

It's not easy, but your her daughter and you want her to be ok.

Can you not refer to it as a " lovely care package" please? If my adult children said they had bought me this, I would be horrified and expecting carers at the door at any minute to support me with showering and dressing. This what some people rely on every day to maintain their independence and to live /manage their lives- it's not a bundle of smellies.

I'd start the conversation with "mum, I've been struggling with what to say to you without hurting your feelings or offending, and this comes from a place of love, but I'd like to talk to you about......."

She’s just not bothered. You won’t change her mind. Your feelings are valid it would be nice if she had more pride or interest in herself. As she has never really had an interest I would not assume that she has depression.
I would talk to her gently.

This.

Don't infantilise her with 'you pop in the shower I'll get that nice new top i bought you ready!' I think this approach will cause offence!

But. I would raise the hygiene stuff. Mum did you know you that its becoming obvious that you arent showering as much as you need to or changing into clean clothes often enough? Is everything ok?

As for how she looks, well thats up to her. And I actually really respect the rejection of beauty and fashion norms. I like her style!

Ahh, now I am the same age and almost entirely the opposite! I am loving this stage of my life - looking my best at an age I still think is not so old is bloody marvellous. I am not a looker by any means but I know what looks good on me and am possibly more body confident than I have ever been. Maybe I am just an old soul whose moment has finally arrived!

Could you frame it around scheduling things regularly, like ‘mum, do you need a few bits for the winter? Let’s go through your old things and decide what you need to replace.’ Booking a hair cut every eight weeks, putting a bit of structure on it.

In hindsight, this is how my mum's dementia started to manifest. She was mid 60s. She'd always been very appearance focused... and then she slipped into old lady and 10 horrible years of alzheimers dementia. Her tooth came out and she didn't even notice.

Yes because teeth and not showering are health issues. I think you should just come out and say it. You dont have to be rude but for example bad oral hygiene can have consequences for your heart apparently.....the bacteria....likewise, if you dont wash you can get problems. I think you should be brutally honeest but just find a caring way of saying it. And let her know you are serious about it. It's non negotiable.