AIBU to feel embarrassed by my mum's lack of self care?

Absolutely agree - but HM was a real daughter, never embarrassed of her mum - and it was not some shitting boyfriend (who the fuck is he to judge her mum) but heads of state and dignitaries from all over the world that met her mum.

I would sit her down and say “Mum
im really worrried about you! You taught us growing up that we brush our hair every day and put on clean clothes and you’ve worn the same shirt 3 days in a row and you hair looks like it hasn’t been brushed all week, or washed this month. Are you okay? Do you need some extra support? Someone to come in and help?”

treat it like a real problem, coming from a place of concern! That’s the kindest way to go about it, you can’t stop her from feeling how she feels about it I’m afraid

How nasty of Sara Cox to share that.

Just a random shot, but has she been recently widowed/divorced? After my DH died, it was a daily struggle to summon up the motivation to keep up my usual standards. I did it, but it was very hard. Fine now, and I’m glad I forced myself to carry on as I did before.

She could be depressed otherwise.

Difficult for you though.

I'm not sure there's much you can do other than offer to take her out so she'll have to bathe, buy her nice toiletries and 'remind' her to use them? As for her teeth, would she consider dentures?

Some people really don't care about clothes and being really clean. If she's depressed though you should ask her to speak to the GP.

I think there’s two issues - lack of interest in her appearance and personal hygiene. I don’t think you can fix the first - some people just aren’t interested and there’s nothing you can do about that. Personal hygiene is a separate issue though as it affects other people. Is she visibly unclean or does she smell in some way? As hard as that is, for her sake (and the sake of others), I think that’s got to be raised.

For my mum - the lack of bathing, hair washing and teeth brushing whilst living alone were symptoms of her dementia. She lost executive functioning i.e. to realise these things needed to be done and then follow through and do them. Is you mum showing any signs of cognitive decline?

Could you double up a hair appointment, both of you go together and make out that it’s a treat? Book appts for things together “since you’re already going”?

If it was my mum I would tell her some hard truths. Be blunt but kind. How people don’t shower and get ready for the day baffles me! Even if I’m at home all day I’ll still shower and get myself dressed / brush my hair!

Did she not smell it herself? It always baffles me when this happens.

She sounds depressed. Its not normal at all, at any age - especially if she used to be neater.

I know you said she has never been interested in fashion or make up but I would still be a bit concerned.

How would she respond if you literally passed her the hair brush and said, Do you want to brush your hair? or if you go out, could you say, Why don’t you change your shoes/put that nice top on? Or offer to take her shopping for a new coat.

I would definitely ask if she wants an appointment with the dentist or a check up at the doctor’s and go with her to make it easier for her. I just had a course of B12 injections with the nurse at the gp surgery and there were loads of people there going in and out. It only takes a few minutes.

Is she managing things around the house eg washing clothes, cooking, changing the sheets? Is she eating? Could you offer to do it for her or together?

I have been through this with a family member so know the alarm bells but they were much older than your mum.

Buying scratch cards is concerning along with the other issues, may be worth exploring what she would do with a win. Does she want to change but thinks she needs more money to do so? It may offer a less direct way of exploring how she is feeling and whether she wants to make changes.

That's fabulous for you, but it doesn't change the fact that many ND people don't manage these things, for a variety of reasons. Not every ND person is like you, or like OP's mum. I don't think PP was being unkind.

I think this poster nails it. My mum is in her seventies now. She’s never been interested in her appearance but she’s always clean - she has a shower in the morning, wear fresh clothes everyday, brushes her hair.

Well the queen mum had a group of sycophants around her seldom the general public

Bright yellow teeth in all official photographs. A colostomy bag and according to Sara Cox, a smell of wee. And HM the Queen adored her mum and did not seem embarrassed of her at all.

Your mother is not a great age so her behaviour cannot be accounted fo4 by age.

For me, my friends and their enthusiasm for fitness, self improvement and clothing means that we support each other to take pride in our appearance etc.

This month I m having my eyebrows done ( nano). I have recently stopped wearing a brace and am now whitening my teeth, I will have an implant for a lost tooth due to shocking 70s dentistry.

I think that enthusiasm for life is critical. Diet plays a huge role to ensure the correct nutrients eg lots of different vegetables, pulses, fruit, nuts, seeds, fish etc. What does you4 mum eat?

Also exercise is key - at least 3 or 4 times per week. Maybe take her swimming?

I always think teeth are the main thing . If a person loses teeth particularly a woman and doesn’t do anything about it they have given up . It may be your mum is isolated in retirement and if she doesn’t see people regularly she doesn’t see the need to keep herself up together . My mum is 81 and she doesn’t wash her hair as much as she should because of her arthritic hands maybe your mum has reasons . I do think you should address this head on though , it’s one thing not being interested in makeup etc but keeping clean is a basic .

Well, very few people smoke nowadays and as she is still a heavy smoker, if I understand correctly, it could point to something like adhd, I don’t know about autism, as nicotine is something that gives the desired stimulant -to smoke until your teeth have gone is extreme.
I wonder if the GP would do a general health check and tests . Especially if she’s smoked all these years they might be willing,
She could be pointed to vapes as a better option.
I have a friend who doesn’t always shower -seems mad to me - I love my morning shower, but we are older than your mother and I think friend is saving money.

Also could you siblings put a united front on tbis

Best reply so far

I think I could choose one thing and chat to her about it sensitively. You could ask if she’d be interested in wearing dentures and offer to support her with the appointments. Go for the things that would improve her quality of life. It must be really hard eating with few teeth. Agree with PPs on there being a deeper issue though such as depression.

Are you sure this is age-related? She might be depressed.

They are very common signs that a person is depressed.
They are possibly signs of dementia.
But to imply that this is typical of autistic people is not true.

How on earth does it sound like autism?