AIBU to feel embarrassed by my mum's lack of self care?

Would try to get her to a dentist. Teeth can cause so many indirect health problems. And pain! One step at a time

Not bothering about appearance laundry and personal hygiene can be a sign of a mental health decline. My MiL was assessed by social services.when she was almost eighty and struggling to look after her self properly. In the social workers report the social worker commented on her stained cardigan with a button missing, and worn out shoes, so I think it does matter. Perhaps ask you mother how is she feeling mentally health wise, and say that you worried she's beginning to show outward signs of problems that If she is OK , she could tackle some of these now if she wishes to, and that you will help her with hairdresser and dental and opticians appointments etc. Focus on health aspects rather than your embarrassment.

Maybe there are lots of other things she'd rather do with her time.

You need to have a word with her and have your sisters back you up. Don’t mention being embrassed but say it in a way that you are worried she may be struggling with personal care and does she need some help?

Id go in with a list and some suggestions for each issue .

was she married ? is she recently widowed? Im sorry I've not read all the comments but it got me thinking.

My gran was widowed for 40 years maybe more and I always assumed she was fine with everything

Now as a woman of a certain age sometimes I need help with personal things - I have a hubby it's not a problem but when she died because I found her I noticed things she had obviously struggled with and it breaks my heart that she didn't think she could ask for help.

With your mum I think you should offer to take her to the hairdressers and get her hair done in a way that is easy. speak to her about depression. you mentioned she get's cleaned when she is going somewhere. maybe take her more places - try not to make her feel bad or self conscious. maybe she's exhusted sore over whelmed. People didn't used to bath daily so if she's showering once a week maybe that's all the spoons she has. is it a problem does she actually smell ? because if not I wouldn't mention it. You only get one mum and honestly treasure her.

Talk but don't use the word "embarrassed". Talk about concern for her well being, hygiene generally getting a grip. Do you have siblings who will support you?

Dentistry in the past was often painful and dentists judgmental. She may well be scared of dentistry - you might be able to help by helping her find a dentist that's good with nervous people. Dental care isn't cosmetic - poor oral health can affect other bits of your body as well. (It obviously can be cosmetic if you're thinking about whitening and veneers and things but standard dental care isn't that).

Might she have a frozen shoulder? Trying to think why somebody wouldn't brush their hair and not being able to reach it without pain is one reason. You can get long handled brushes and combs to help.

Showers can be a problem if you think you might fall / you have postural hypotension. You can discuss whether she wants to alter her bathroom in preparation for being old - would a wet room suit her? A bath with a lift? Shower shoes may help. As might a shower stool. And remember that washing is what's important, it doesn't matter if that involves a shower/ a bath / a strip wash at a sink. Strip washing at a sink has advantages - you can do half your body at a time, there's less risk of falling.

Have you checked if there has ever been Alzheimer's disease in your family. If not, make a Doctors appointment for a test. It may not be that but a blood test will confirm.

She may also be Vit deficient which causes depression.

Yes, but. There's a balance between being disheveled/unconcerned about being spic and span on one hand and being actually dirty and stinky on the other. As people age they often perceive themselves to be the former while gradually sliding into the latter. It's important to guard against that for the sake of one's friends and family.

Yes, this exactly.

For me there is a massive difference between grooming and hygiene. Your mum's grooming and choice of clothes is none of your business. If she has birds nest hair or wears the same (but laundered) clothes every day then that's her eccentricity.

Hygiene is different as it is disgusting to be around someone who does not shower/bathe, ignores their dental hygiene to the point of losing teeth and having bad breath, and wears clothes that stink. I would be blunt if it were my mum. "Mum, I love you more than anything in the world but your clothes stink and you need a shower. People aren't going to want to be around you if you can't keep yourself clean. I bought you these shower gels as a treat - please promise you'll use them. Otherwise, I can't bring my boyfriend to meet you."

Does you mum have a sister? Or any other close peers who could say something?

I agree though that something must be said. It will only get worse.

There's the freedom of not caring, then there's the self-neglect of not caring. And the latter is often a symptom of depression and loneliness.

It’s a tricky thing to bring up with someone.

My boobs aren't big enough to be offensive if I'm braless. I just look slightly more female with a bra on!

I'm frequently so in my own little world I don't really consider the impact I make on others around me. And honestly, as an older woman, I'm mostly invisible anyway. Which I find pretty freeing. Being attractive to men when I was younger was something I found difficult at times. I'm much happier being unseen.

My daughter told me rather bluntly and I was completely defensive and embarrassed, she was told off by her sibling and we both agreed she had politeness issues and possibly adhd as no empathy and a bit mean. And then I saw a pic of myself that was from a day out and I couldn’t believe that was me !!!! My first daughter was right and I was in denial and would rather shoot the messenger!!!

She couldn't have done. She wore a lot of polyester blouses (it was that decade) and I don't think that helped. My step dad didn't say anything either and he was with her all the time. I don't know- it hurts my heart to think about it

Is she in her own? I do think that sometimes when your ‘purpose’ is completed ( children raised / no partner) it is easy to slip into a ‘I don’t matter’ mindset. I say this as a staunch feminist who has nearly fallen victim to this mindset.

Poor mum.... I'm that mum, no not dirty etc but don't particularly worry about my appearance.. Not depressed, not got low self esteem, not got dementia.. Just me

I think the only thing I’d worry about is the showering (or washing) and the teeth. Unfortunately when you smoke a lot even if you really try to look after your teeth it does damage them eventually. Do you know she doesn’t wash? I definitely don’t shower everyday but I’ll have a sink wash at least. I tend to try to wash my hair only once a week, if I wash it every day it wrecks the oils in it and I’ll be greasy before the end of the day so I’ll limit it unless I’m going out out. Is she like this or actually smelling? Couldn’t be bothered about brushing hair, I don’t even take a brush on holiday!

Are you sure she has enough money, if she has a scratch card habit and smokes that could be taking all her spare money.

If the lack of personal care is fairly recent I would be starting to wonder about depression and/or the beginnings of dementia.

It's one thing not being fussy for makeup and fancy clothes which is perfectly normal but being dirty isn't.

First off you sound lovely, don’t feel guilty about feeling embarrassed what come across far more in your post is a genuine and deep care for your mother. I’m a bloke and dating someone who had such a strong and sincere love for their mum would be a huge green flag, plus it speaks well of her that she raised such a kind daughter. Far more than her current presentation.

I had a scenario with my dad being worried about my grandmother. It’s wasn’t so much personal presentation but her getting a bit scatty and the house falling into a bit of a mess, as it got all a bit on top of her. Important thing as a parent gets older is to ensure they have maximal agency. So what I proposed is when her 80th arrived which wasn’t that far off we organised a big meal, bought a new electric oven (we were worried about the gas on), and got some professional cleaners in to get it all sorted, but it was presented more as a giant thank you from all of us more so than “we don’t think you can cope”.

What I’d propose is how about you and you sisters have a confab about maybe getting some nice professionally done photographs done of all of you including mum? You’ve got a ready made excuse to go get hair done together, wardrobe shopping, nails done etc? Then when you are out let her lead on the look and stuff and praise stuff she picks that looks good. The object of the exercise is two fold, bolster her self esteem, and encourage channels of communication between you where she can get across how she’s feeling.

Don’t stop at just stuff for the photos, if there is an opening encourage her to get nice things for everyday too.

If it were me, I'd be mortified and also worried how my mum was perceived locally - as in it might isolate her or make her a target. I'd just have to bite the bullet and tell her it is socially unacceptable and also going to cause her problems, particularly the dental issues. I'm a pretty forthright person but not insensitive so whilst I wouldn't relish this would be able to do that. What I'd do if she seemed unable to change/accept help I'm not quite sure. I don't think I could hug or kiss my unwashed mum with dental decay. I assume her house is fairly grubby, too? She's not likely to wash her hand towels, change her sheets or mop the floor very often with this approach to hygiene, I imagine. I'd probably have to limit contact if nothing changes because I'd be pretty grossed out. Not to the point where I wasn't monitoring her well being - I do wonder if she is developing cognitive issues despite you thinking she seems mentally alert. I'd watch out for unpaid bills or neglect of her diet etc. You should ask for a care assessment from Social Services if you do start to suspect something is wrong and also get her to the GP. She would also likely be eligible for the community dentist if she is ill in some way. I'm sorry you're in this position and hope you find an answer.

I wonder if this is a symptom of something bigger. When someone isn't washing or doing the laundry, then that's not normal. Especially if in the past it's something they would do. Most people make sure they are personally clean, the clothes they wear are clean, their teeth are brushed regularly and hair combed.

Not being interested in clothes, makeup etc isn't the issue, it's the lack of personal hygiene and awareness around it, that is.

Have you noticed any mental decline within your Mum or have your sisters?

Yes, of course sometimes people are lazy but to the point they barely wash or wash their clothes? I'm not sure this is laziness or not bothering.

this. yes I know its another MN staple.

Very true