AIBU to feel embarrassed by my mum's lack of self care?

As a nurse for over forty years I would suggest cognitive decline ie early dementia or depression

Why not suggest a 'girlie' day out & take her for her nails done or a hair appointment. Tell her you'll be going to lunch so she needs to look smart. Treat her to a set of bath bombs or shower gels or a new lipstick so she can pamper herself for your day out. Tell her you've noticed she's not changing her clothes as often as she used to & ask if he wants to go clothes shopping. It could be she's in a rut & not prioritising herself & needs a little nudge. You could now & again buy her a manicure set or a nice shampoo or buy her a hair claw grip & compliment her on how good she looks with her hair washed & clipped up or how nice her nails look. Sometimes it becomes a chore to older people to get themselves smartened up as they have no where to go & it becomes habit of getting up in the mornings & just not making any effort.

I do not agree that its no-one elses business if they are taking you to a restaurant etc

You said it's abnormal to wear sandals. That made me laugh. Yes, you mentioned other things, but you can't deny saying it's abnormal to wear sandals! I know that's not what you meant. I think. But as I say, it made me laugh.

It is often a sign of mental decline and dementia.

Why are you fixated on sandals? Op mentioned that she wears the same shoes constantly. I mentioned that as well as other things.

I think once you let yourself go to that level, it’s very difficult to come back out of it - especially if it was never something she took an interest in to begin with, then it won’t even be on her radar.

I would keep trying regarding basic hygiene but I’d drop the rest. Maybe she does need to be told straight up about it - especially the teeth, as it has a knock on effect on so many other aspects of your health.

My mother has definitely had periods of lack of care but she has severe MI, we have to do everything for her.

I'm like your mum. Part of it is finally deciding that it's no one else's business how I choose to look, and part of it is executive dysfunction.

Sandals?!! Bloody hell. Quick, get the fire hose! Edna's wearing sandals!

If you go to say, Italy, France or Greece you'll see plenty of women, young and old, wearing sandals and looking elegant. Not everyone has to wear ugly, lumpy trainers like we do, unless they're running or at the gym.

But I suspect you don't mean elegant sandals. Plenty of people where I live wear horrible, ugly sandals for comfort. It doesn't mean they need help.

I'll try to make sure not to become too much of an embarrassment, but I'd bet you my house that if you met me you'd have no idea that I don't shower or wash my clothes every day. Many people are obsessed by an unnecessary level of perceived cleanliness.

No one in full control of their faculties should be bullied by anyone deciding how they need to live.

Maybe the way forward is to have a word with her friends. She may discuss things ore freely with someone of a similar age.

Could you discuss with your sisters what changes you have noticed and how to approach this. Not to "gang up" against your mum but to decide which issues to address and how.
I would start with hair and teeth brushing and daily showering as they are most important.

Wearing clothes a second day is fine in my book if washing or showering daily and changing undies daily. And as long as they appear clean.

Good luch OP.

Her choice.

On the dental issues if her oral health is not good this can contribute to getting dementia and her life span let alone being able to chew food properly for good digestion. It is more than about looks. Does she say why she will not sort her teeth out? My mum went years with front teeth needing looking at while she was still at the workplace and I was your age. I could not understand it and think she was scared of the dentist. I found it very embarrassing

There could be a dental thing going on here as well. Your mum is the same age as me - like me, and others of our generation, we had the virtual child abuse of those times, inflicted on us by school dentists. 🤬

Unless you’re old enough to remember them, it’s impossible to imagine, and, in no way would it be allowed now.

Despite the fact that dentists now are painless, understanding and gentle (or mine is), it was years ago, and that my head knows that, I still walk in there with flashbacks and shaking. 🙄

Your Mum’s problems could be a combination of things - don’t just assume Dementia.

I think this was a really terrific way of helping your grandmother for her 80th; presented with such care and discretion.

I have a friend who has started “organising” their 90 year old mother who admittedly does need a bit of support but has been admirably sharp and independent up to this point, and the way my friend does it is so over-bearing and patronising, I can’t stand it!

I think the way one steps in and helps is all important and should be done with respect and sensitivity.

I think this is a lovely suggestion and way of going about things.

Energy levels can drop off a lot at this age as can motivation.

There are so many expectations on women to work and look after everyone else that when it comes to looking after themselves, it’s like another chore, and the energy just isn’t there,

Could she be a bit depressed op do you think? I understand your perspective that you want your mum to look after herself as much for her sake as well as yours.

I think another angle might be that you approach it very gently from a mh perspective and ask if she is doing ok because you have noticed that she is not taking care of herself as much as she used to? And you are a bit worried about her?

I wouldn’t worry about your bf though. If he is a genuine person and a keeper then he should be understanding of your mum.

I don’t believe she has dementia but it’s pretty abnormal to wear stinky clothes, sandals and let your teeth rot in your 60s.

It sounds that she’s maybe exhausted and the effort of grooming and personal care has become quite overwhelming.
How about giving your mum a mini makeover yourself - you could take some nice products and pamper her ,wash & blow her hair , little manicure, some make up , a spot of perfume .
My mum suffered from overwhelming and crippling anxiety and I used to do this for her regularly - it took years of her and it lifted her so much ❤️

Things other than wash, brush her hair, and brush her teeth daily?

This woman is 66. She knows what she likes/wants.
Her daughter, 28, who by her own profession, cares very much about how she projects and is worried what her boyfriend will think.
Yet somehow the woman has dementia?!
😂

You clearly love her very much, and I personally don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

My DH can be a scruff he simply doesn’t care sometimes, and when he was taking our 21 year old DS out earlier today, I told him to smarten up and not embarrass our DS by looking like a tramp. In other words to consider our DS’s feelings.

Could you club together with your sisters and organise a special day out for her. Get her hair and nails done (would a teeth clean be pushing it?) a new smart but comfortable easy to wear outfit and dinner.

Good luck I know how you must feel.

Me too! I get my hair trimmed about twice a year and it looks absolutely fine.

It's good to help with health and hygiene, but trying to pushing things which are purely appearance based when she's never been interested is different.

Not everyone needs a haircut every eight weeks. I'd be a bit nonplussed if my DD booked them for me. I certainly wouldn't go.

Could your mum be missing something in her life since she stopped working? For some people it can be a large part of their identity and they don't always admit it's hard to adjust.

Could you take her for a surprise "girlie" afternoon where you both get spoilt? You could both get say your nails or hair done and have coffee/tea with cake afterwards.

That way it might cheer her up, and you of course, but also as a no pressure environment by you not forcing the issue with her?

You could gradually mention things in a comfortable less judgemental way .. or it could cheer her up and encourage her to do things for herself. As a plus, you also get to spend valuable time with your mum :)