Wedding related would you do this? Outside perspective needed.

Don’t invite the cousins then? Or only the ones you’re closest to. You’re not telling me you talk to all of them regularly.

It’s obviously fine bit it’s also basically daring someone to cause an argument.

"Seziah · Today 14:22
I think it’s completely fine, the couple don’t own the hotel, you’re not planning to crash the wedding and the room had to be paid for anyway by the spouse so they could attend the wedding. I wouldn’t say any more about it, I’d just go and keep out of everyone’s way so they didn’t know I was there"

"I don't see anything wrong with this. If OP's OH is paying for a room in a lovely hotel, then why shouldn't OP go and have a nice time? She's not planning on gatecrashing the wedding!"

"The MOG has no right to stop the spouse being in areas of the hotel where other non-wedding guests can be, including a room not paid for by the B&G. The MOG is probably uncomfortable that the spouse might pop up at the wedding or within view of the invited guests and make things awkward/ help themselves to food and drink. But as long as that's not the case, it's fine. Id probably say that's ok, I understand, point taken and then just discreetly do what you want."

All of this with bells on. It might be different if the B&G were paying for the room and/or if you had plans to crash the wedding but as it stands it's simply none of the MOG's business. And if all the non-invited spouses want to come to the same arrangement, that is also none of her business.

I had a vaguely similar thing with a conference I attended eons ago in a nice hotel. Work paid for a basic room for me. I paid for an upgrade so that DH and our then little children could come too. They entertained themselves whilst I was at the conference and doing related networking and then we were together at other times.

I think it’s a bit weird. It’s like not being invited to a party and sitting outside in your car all night waiting to pick up a friend.

How will they even know the non invited spouse is even there?!

@EugenieGreen who is the MoG to you and why does her opinion carry any weight in this matter?

It's one of those situations where, if you take emotion out of it, then logically it seems fine BUT, people DO have emotions, and it 'feels' wrong.

Early on, someone said 'passive aggressive' and I'd agree with that. It feels like the spouse is making a point.

If I weren't invited to the wedding I'd have a peaceful weekend at home. It just feels like sh*t stirring to rock up to the hotel the wedding is in, when 1/2 the guests will know you and will think wtf? if they bump into you.

If the room has been paid for by the spouse and its not a single rate, then I'd definitely go. Id probably only use the room to sleep in and have a meal out or use room service, but they cannot dictate who stays in the hotel as they dont have sole use.

If the wedding couple have paid for the room then it is up to them.

What does the spouse want to do? Will they be able to say nothing about the other person being there during the wedding? Not that it should be a secret, but its no-one else's business if all above board.

That’s totally illogical. Why should they not stay in the same room as their spouse/partner? It doesn’t make one iota of difference to the B&G or their families.

OP, if I were you I just wouldn’t bother. If B&G have got a bee in their bonnet about it just stay away - luxuriate in peace at home and have a bath and read a good book and watch what you like on tv.

Hanging around a wedding (which is what it’ll look like even if not what you intend) just looks weird and desperate and creates a bit of a guilty atmosphere as if you’re putting pressure on being asked to just go ahead and join in since you’re there anyway. There’s bound to be dinner/drinks night before and breakfast x 2 and other guests using same facilities so it’ll be pretty clear you’re there.

Unless the bride and groom have paid for the ENTIRE hotel (they haven't though have they) then what business is it of theirs if you make use of the TV, sauna, gym etc? The invited spouse literally paid for the room. That makes it yours for the night. It isn't like you're barging your way uninvited into their house.

If no spouses at all have been invited, then yes there's likely no bad blood, just the way they've chosen to do things.

You going isn't "embarrassing" as someone said. It would be if you were the only one being excluded because you'd previously got drunk and lunged at the groom or something.

There was a poster here last year who stopped being invited to weddings because she always got so drunk that her friends got fed up and stopped inviting her out. Obviously as this is not the case, then go and enjoy the spa.

Embarrassing is denying yourself nice experiences because of completely made up etiquette that only exists inside your head and isn't remotely representative of reality.

I'll think "fuck off" without saying it.... and smile and talk stupid nonsense "sorry you feel this way" or some other idiotic platitude while refusing to engage.

They are bonkers.

So are all the other people staying in the hotel that night also embarrassing? The bride and groom haven't paid for exclusive use of the hotel so anyone can stay and use the facilities. If they didn't want anyone else staying they would have paid for exclusive use but they didn't so they must be comfortable with it, it's only MOG that has an opinion not the B&G

Totally fine. Why waste the opportunity for a relaxing, luxurious night away.
might even work out advantageous the day after if invited spouse is a little worse for wear for driving home

Why is it embarrassing? Have you never been to a hotel and went to a spa and a stranger happened to be getting married at the hotel that day? How is that any different? She's not going to the wedding and isn't going to be any part of the wedding, she is simply using a hotel room and hotel spa for their intended use

True, but even if everyone in their "tier" knows it doesn't mean everyone does.

Let's say Steve the drunken uncle is ambling round the hotel after dinner. Spots OP in the other bar - "Barbara, why aren't you at the wedding?". "Oh I wasn't invited, it's fine, I'm just enjoying the hotel"

Steve heads back into the wedding, accosts the Groom "Hey, how come Barbara can't come to the wedding, she's in the other bar, at least let her in for the evening"

Awkwardness ensues.

JFC what a fucked up idea.

Go to the hotel.

Personally, I think I'd cancel though.

Nothing wrong with doing that.

You shouldn't have asked for permission, just done it!

I used to do this when DH travelled for work and stayed in posh hotels, I stayed in the room and went to the spa etc whilst he went to work.

His colleagues never even knew as everyone travelled separately.

Theoretically there's nothing wrong with it. In practice, there's obvious potential for awkwardness and people being stupid over it, so I'd need to be keen enough on going to outweigh that risk. Possibly depends on the crowd.

None of the MoG's business whatsoever.
Was she hoping to give the other side of the bed to another relative?
Really none of her business.

It's absolutely fine. If we'd paid for a room in a fancy hotel then I would be making use of it! Obviously I'd stay completed out of sight all the time, but a wallow in the spa, room service etc. sounds bliss (and nicer than a wedding tbh)...

It seems a bit 'I know X wasn't invited, but they're coming in some capacity anyway' - I wouldn't do it.

That's what I was thinking. I imagine MOG is thinking well if x y and z all come and it becomes a good idea, everyone says yes we will do that too! All their spouses hang out in the rooms, that just does make the whole event bigger. Ends up with a separate group in the bar of cousin spouses and it merges with the wedding.

That might be fine in some ways- I can't imagine it ever being a problem in my family!
However in this family who knows, if there are already differences of opinion among the older generation about who should be there the MOG is maybe trying to avoid a family fuss ("Sharon and Karen brought their husbands Kevin and Bevan, but our second cousin Georgina WASN'T EVEN INVITED!")

I would totally go, because I love the idea of room service, sneaking out to the spa at the same time as the wedding speeches, and getting a lovely luxury early night at the hotel..I wouldn't try to set up a secret cousin spouse after party tho.