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Original poster

To want to stop paying all Xmas hosting costs

163 replies

Grinch26 · 11/09/2026 11:33

Morning,

After some constructive advice really.

For the last 10 years approx I have gone back to my widowed mum's for Xmas.

I buy all food and drink and cook for her friends and neighbours Xmas day and boxing day and other days just her and me or maybe the odd one of her friends joins.

Mum has plenty of money , it's just one of those family patterns which we keep repeating.

I'm looking at retirement in the not too distant future ( work restructuring and I think getting a new role in late 50s will be a challenge ) and want to see if we can share the costs a bit more equitably , and ask the neighbours and friends to contribute by bringing something maybe a desert or cheese etc

Am I being being tight ? And how would I go about it if not ?!

Its prob 500 odd of food and drink and I would feel better if cost shared , I'm happy to do all cooking and also recognise that mum is hosting in her home so paying for utilities etc

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 11/09/2026 11:56

Ok I get your Mum but seriously how on earth do you end up having to pay for all the other random guests to you? That's completely bonkers!!

Hadalifeonce · 11/09/2026 11:55

How about Hi mum just to let you know that I am more than happy to cook for everyone over Christmas as usual, but due to various commitments, I won't be able to provide the food, as I usually do. Not sure if you want to buy it, or get your friends to chip in. Let me know what you want to do.

ChangeFutureButterfly · 11/09/2026 11:51

£80 per person
3 course
Xmas day lunch
Plus tea or coffee
All other drinks are extra
Local pub

I would expect guests to bring a bottle ot chocs, biscuits, plant

LadySparrow · 11/09/2026 11:50

Invite her to yours, so you don’t have to fork out for all her friends and neighbours

Original poster
Grinch26 · 11/09/2026 11:48

Madamecholetsbonnet · 11/09/2026 11:43

Do you actually enjoy spending your Christmas like this?

Wouldn’t that £500 be a significant contribution towards a Christmas holiday for you?

Hard question, I feel guilt if I don't as mum is elderly and I want her to have a good Xmas, however its financially costly , takes alot of planning and I go home knackered!

OP posts:
Original poster
Grinch26 · 11/09/2026 11:46

Neuronimo · 11/09/2026 11:41

YANBU I think there is an uncomfortable conversation to be had. We've somehow got into a situation where we take food to my parents or starve, every visit.

Yes it's easy to fall into this, do you bring everything for everyone or just for you?

OP posts:
Madamecholetsbonnet · 11/09/2026 11:43

Do you actually enjoy spending your Christmas like this?

Wouldn’t that £500 be a significant contribution towards a Christmas holiday for you?

Original poster
Grinch26 · 11/09/2026 11:43

Thanks, I've been saying I will be retiring for the last year but it doesn't seem to be sinking in!

It's more pressing this year as my home needs some work done and I don't want to be 500 quid down at Xmas before I've even thought about presents !

One of my siblings is also staying at Xmas this year but they are skint ! So I'm getting nervous at the costs involved in hosting or paying for 2 large meals and drinks Xmas day and boxing day for 10!

Do love Xmas however

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 11/09/2026 11:43

If you want to continue going to your mums and hosting neighbours/friends then I would message/talk to your mum and say you’re no longer able to pay for everything and how is best to arrange things going forward.

  • you still buy everything but split the cost between everyone
  • everyone brings a dish and a bottle of wine (or whatever works!)

Or if it’s all just a bit too much, make other arrangements altogether. But I think it’s really cheeky that everyone has been allowing you to cover all costs and labour and not contributing anyway! Definitely change that.

FluffMagnet · 11/09/2026 11:42

I think people often don't even consider the cost of Christmas food and drink. It is just a roast, leftovers and a bottle of plonk to them. I fear you need to spell out the costs to your mum, and your drop in income. Utilities come nowhere near your financial, logistical and catering contribution.

Neuronimo · 11/09/2026 11:41

YANBU I think there is an uncomfortable conversation to be had. We've somehow got into a situation where we take food to my parents or starve, every visit.

BMW58 · 11/09/2026 11:38

"Hi Mum just to let you know I'm planning to retire so need to adjust my spending.
I won't be able to afford to cover Xmas as I have the past 10 years.

I'll come and visit Xmas day morning but will come back home for my dinner here."

Or visit Xmas Eve or Boxing Day, but just tell her you're no longer supplying the works.

WildLeader · 11/09/2026 11:37

Tbh, I reckon you ought to book to go away somewhere instead and tell them you’re not going to be there to host.

otherwise, text your mum now and say you’re not able to pay for everything anymore as circumstances have changed. What does she want to do? Scale back? Cover the costs herself? Ask neighbours to bring courses. Put this back on her.

then drop the whole thing.