To want to stop paying all Xmas hosting costs

I make a spreadsheet of all the meals/ingredients and my parents and I split it 50:50.

My sister’s financial circumstances are different, but she always organises an online order of lovely nibbles and extras to be delivered as she arrives by train. She’s also an amazing help with cooking, washing up etc so her contribution in that way is invaluable.

@Grinch26I think a proper conversation with your mum is needed. Make a list of everything you think will need to be bought, or just a list of all the meals, and work through it with her, dividing up who will pay for what.

So ten years @ £500 a year 😵‍💫 I know you would have spent some of this money anyway but you have obviously spent a considerable sum of money on mostly people you don’t know very well.

I can’t believe your mum is ok with you doing this financially or just doing all the cooking for ten years.

Personally I would stop doing it and either your mum sorts out payment (however she chooses to) and your sibling cooks or they do a Christmas pot luck dinner.

I would stop doing this completely and maybe have a year at home quietly in front of the tv

How on earth is it £500+ for you and your mum and a neighbour or two? I spend about £250 on Xmas dinner for 16!

I think it has been a lovely gift to your mum doing all the work AND paying. But it has now become an obligation and to be honest a bit cheeky of all the friends and neighbours who attend… I can’t imagine going for Christmas or Boxing Day and NOT offering to contribute money or wine or a dish…

…so…

… I wonder if your mum has in the past said to them “oh don’t worry Grinch26 loves doing Christmas, it’s no trouble at all, we just enjoy your company!”

Can I suggest then, a different approach?

For the big Boxing Day event, do a little Christmas party paper invitation and ask your mum to circulate it to the guests. Ask your mum to let people know you’re finding Xmas Day and Boxing Day all a bit much, so instead this year hoping to do a buffet to share the work, but there will be a little trivia quiz or a game of charades to make things more festive.

Invititatko should say on it:

“Boxing Day “bring-a-dish” buffet and party! please tick below any of the items you think you may be able to provide for the buffet at our new Boxing Day Party, and we’ll let you know by end of November how many guests are coming and which type of dish you can bring:

• Salad
• crudités
• bread
• cheese
• cold meat
• crisps and crackers
• dips
• wine
• soft Drinks
• dessert/treats”

Then you can work out who brings what, fill in the gaps, and provide a few hot dishes eg pigs in blankets, mini jacket potatoes, etc.

Say no as they are all taking you for a mug.

Take a year off and let them sort it out themselves.

I think you need to have an honest but non confrontational conversation. It feels very awkward talking about money but it doesn't have to be.
I am not yet nearing retirement but was at one point in a much tighter financial situation than my mum (still working but salary lower than her pension and I had just bought a house so had no savings left and was paying a large mortgage while she was mortgage free). Somehow we had fallen into a pattern of my mum not spending money because she felt financially insecure so would save wherever possible. The problem was these savings would involve things like not buying in food or going to a restaurant for occasions because "it's cheaper and nicer to cook at home". The problem being then I was buying in all the food and while I don't mind cooking instead of going out as a large family it meant all the costs went on me. Then I was helping her with her finances and suddenly realised she was much much better of than me.
I think if it had been left to fester it could have caused resentment but I didn't want it to sound like I was jealous she had more money than me, I didn't want her to worry I was very poor and struggling either or that I was accusing her of taking advantage. But the actual conversation was absolutely fine. I had built it up into a much bigger issue than it was and now she helps cover costs she had left to me. She wasn't trying to make me pay for her, it is just that it hasn't occurred to her than when I did the shopping or ordered a taxi etc it was all coming from my bank account.

So I would suggest just having a conversation about a fairer way of spreading costs. And keep it factual and non emotional.

Set up a WhatsApp group. Explain you are retiring soon and would really appreciate it if everyone could bring a dish or something to help. Set out a list of everything needed and see who steps up. Hopefully the majority will.

Blimey OP you’ve been putting a shift in every year at your expense. You are definitely NBU! Have any of the neighbours or friends ever contributed or offered over the years? If not, they are cheeky fuckers in my opinion.

Hosting Christmas is expensive and also very tiring and it shouldn’t fall to you to keep facilitating this,

If you still want to spend Christmas with your mum, I’d suggest she comes to you instead, so it’s just one person to cater for, her friends and neighbours will have to find someone else to freeload from.

If you’d rather do your own thing, be honest and say that you’ve done it for x amount of years, you’ll be retiring and need to prioritise yourself and take care of your money. I’d start that conversation now though

Don’t say you need a contribution, say you can’t afford it. After all these years of you paying for everything it would only be fair that you don’t pay anything this year, especially if you do all the work! It doesn’t mean you can’t bring anything but if you only say « contribution » you might get 10£/20£ and still be left to foot the rest of the bill.

First post nails it.

I too host Christmas have for almost 30 years and I’m 60. Everyone has helped but as the older generation has died the younger generation really hasn’t stepped up. I dramatically cut back on gifts and only gift my 2 dc and my nephew. I also stopped buying alcohol. I don’t really drink or frankly eat on the holiday. Everyone helps but weirdly planning prepping and cooking food diminishes my appetite.

I host my dad and my brother/ nephew and my DH/ dc and other family members which fluctuates up to 8 additional people. Family dynamics are funny. I had to tell my unmarried 59 y.o cousin to bring something to share. He is so infantilized by his family he just rocks up to every party with nothing to eat or drink. intold my brother to pay my dad for the ham which is a “side dish” at our holiday. The real meat is a standing rib roast which has gotten dramatically more expensive the last two years.

all thing to say OP…I love these people. I AM Christmas . Without me there wouldn’t be much Christmas for my dad brother or nephew. No way would I host let alone pay for their friends or neighbors. People can be very lazy and assume it’s all taken care of.

You need to reset. I would very much plan to host dmum and sibling only and only christmas day. This way there is still
a celebration for your loved ones but less expense work and assumptions! I had to end the three days eating and partying at my house because I didn’t get to enjoy my uni age dc or myself as I was always working.

put an end to this. 10 yrs is long enough generous enough and you aren’t obligated to any of this.

OP, would it be possible for you and your Mum to go away together over Christmas as a special treat to mark your retirement?

I'm thinking perhaps something like this.

You would return home feeling that you had had a really nice break.

https://gonvillehotel.co.uk/christmas/festive-stay-packages

Just stop - it’s not just the expense it’s a lot of work for you. I am younger than you (a bit) and I find it knackering

Could you position it as a cap on costs. So say "mum I'm happy to fund food costs to only to the tune of £200/cover the cost of the turkey only/pay for xxx. So anything over will need to be funded by others "

I think this is quite good. I do feel your pain. We host Christmas every year. And it’s not just Christmas Day, it’s Christmas Eve and Boxing Day and we usually have houseguests for a week. No one has ever offered to bring anything or contribute to the costs. One year, BIL did buy us a round of drinks at the pub. 🙄 It can easily cost £500-800 and that’s not including gifts. No one else can or will host due to tricky family dynamics. But I feel like a bloody all inclusive resort. It means we get no proper time as a family over Christmas either because we’re running around making everyone else’s Christmas nice. Then I got cancer a few years ago and put a stop to it. Can’t be arsed anymore.

I think you have to be a lot more direct about cost being prohibitive for you, with an approximation of what the cost is and how much you're willing to pay this year. Dropping hints about retirement can sometimes just be heard as you'll have a lot more free time, not that you're short of money and worried about it. And being skint shouldn't stop your sibling from doing a share of the labour, but you'll likely have to "direct" as after ten years it'll be seen as your "managing Christmas" and no one will want to "interfere" even if they'd be willing and able to do specific tasks.

Indeed and make it a face to face conversation.

Message her.
Hi Mum
I've been telling you for the past year that I am retiring so obviously cannot continue to pay for Christmas dinner at yours for all your friends. It's usually about £500-£600 and I just can't afford it from now on.
What do you want to do?
Ask everyone to provide something off a list? Pay for it yourself?
Or have just us & sibling & we'll split it?
Have a think & I'll call you later.

This puts the ball in her court & will hopefully make her realise just how much it puts on you financially as well as physically.

Definitely a conversation needed! We have always had the agreement in our family that whoever is hosting & doing the cooking doesn’t pay towards the cost, it is split between everybody else.

So last year my parents hosted & cooked and between all guests we split all shopping costs. Slightly more difficult as I suppose your mum is the one hosting & you are the one cooking but I’d still have the conversation and request splitting the bill £x ways depending on who is attending and when or have it so that rather than sending money each person is allocated some stuff to bring to split the cost that way.

If you hosted your mum and sibling would that help? It would vastly reduce the cost, you still have a lovely Christmas but you aren't paying and doing everything for 3 days. Which honestly doesn't seem like a very nice Christmas to me, you are a Christmas Cinderella!

I'd say that is all you need to get the conversation kicked off.

Wow, can’t believe she hasn’t been putting in . You are being used. Especially with her friends and neighbour’s there too . Time to put a stop to it . Just tell the truth .

OP, I completely understand your difficulty, as family always expect things to carry in as they always have been for ever! Are you in a position to invite your DM and skint sibling to yours? Otherwise, I’d compromise, and tell DM that you will be happy to provide food for Christmas Day but she will have to provide for Boxing Day guests. TBH I think it’s pretty shocking that your DM has let YOU buy food for HER guests for the last ten years….

What’s the worst that could happen if you ask for a financial contribution from your Mum? If she says no, you tell her you can’t cover the cost so an elaborate Christmas dinner won’t be happening.