To want to stop paying all Xmas hosting costs

Totally agree with this.

We routinely have friends joining at Xmas and we ask that one brings cheese, crackers and chutney and the other brings some booze. Otherwise it costs us a small fortune, plus we have to cook it and clear it all up.

Really like having them, but not prepared to run a bloody hotel or restaurant at own expense.

This, and its makes me wonder about your relationship with your mum. Do you feel she likes showing off her daughter's dedication in doing all this? It's when you said she would know you were irritated by paying if you said anything - are you worried about her reaction?

I agree with this. Tell your mum you’re not able to keep paying £500 for Christmas food and drinks again. What does she want to do? If she refuses to pay anything and suggests you don’t bother then stay home and enjoy your relaxing Christmas.

So do I .

Please start putting your own needs first and be generous after those are being met.
You call your sibling skint..and wouldn't dream of asking them to contribute, but don't you also have large bills to pay and retirement to save for?

Doesn't that make you too skint to keep paying out for other people too?

I couldn't believe it when you were saying you source, cook and pay for everything... but that your mum was paying for utilities whilst you stayed there, as if that was any real contribution at all!
Was that something you thought of or was it pointed out to you.
You are a family member, not a free catering service.
Your labour is very valuable, worth more, I think, than the £500-£600 you are paying out for the food. Sounds like you don't get much help there either. Why should you have to spend Christmas being everyone else's servant and go home poorer and knackered! I think your relatives are being very very selfish.

Just because the expectation is there, doesn't mean you are obliged to keep doing this forever.

You sound like a kind generous soul but you also need to look at your own priorities.
Ask for what you want and don't let the resistance of others deter you.
And don't soften it by offering to meet half of the costs for 10 people!
That is a slippery slope that will end in you still paying for the bulk of it.
You either mean this or you don't. No half measures because cutting back on anything will seem harsh to you at this point because of the long term expectation.

I sympathised because we had to host nearly 20.. and I did everything, for people who were not even nice to me. It was miserable. We had to scrimp our way through January. When I finally called time, I was made to feel extremely guilty.. But do you know what.. that was 100 better than feeling utterly financially drained and worn out.

I also worry when you say that all this is before you even start thinking about paying for Christmas presents. I bet these are equally over generous. Take a look at how equally and fairly those are organised next.

Is it possible that some of the friends and neighbours have also started thinking "AIBU if I tell Marjorie two doors down that I don't really want to attend her Xmas/ Boxing Day feast and festivities this year, and would rather..
...sit at home in my pyjamas watching TV by myself?
...go somewhere sunny for a nice holiday?
...visit some of my relatives for a change?
--eat Chinese food, rather than that huge traditional 5-course meal that Grinch always makes?"

Maybe they feel trapped by the weight of expectations, the perceived need to be 'nice' and accept your mum's invitation, etc.

Inviting your mum (and sister) to yours instead this year gives everyone a chance to re-set, and do something different, instead of getting stuck in the same rut.

Someone else in her street might step up to host instead. And in 2027 it could turn into more of a shared 'potluck' 'bring items for the buffet' kind of event...

Wow just Wow
Yes neighbours may be nice to your mum but my god you pay and do all that several times during the year ?

Good you asked mum if she would like to come to you at xmas but if she declines then you will need to say

That costs f everyhing have gone up over the years and you are so its not doable to pay for everything any longer.

This includes other celebrations other than Xmas so everyone contributes a dish and a bottle of drink each. As for skint relative ot applies to her as well

Gosh. I feel like curling up and giving up now. That was an utterly depressing picture of festivity and convivial companionship.

I agree tasks and costs need to be shared or handled fairly, but I disagree that these cannot be wonderful events.

I would go with wording 1 of these suggestions OP.

I think it is a reasonable thing to raise, but in doing so you don't want to retrospectively tarnish all the effort and expense of the previous ones by suggesting you were resenting it. I think 2. does this a bit, so would go with 1., which suggests it is a new issue for you.

3 is confusing and passive aggressive as it proceeds on the basis that you both know the arrangement has changed without actually saying so. Just be straightforward and communicative: there is nothing wrong in saying you can't afford it to the same extent now, provided you don't imply you resent what you have been doing in the past. I mean some posters will say you SHOULD say you resent it, but I can't see that as anything but destructive of happy memories at this point - memories that have cost you dearly in terms of time, money and effort.

People are selfish. Through work I met so many different cultures, all sorts of religions, but what they had in common - they loved to boast of the culture of 'everyone gets together at a big table, endless speeches, endless food, all together, talking, laughing, having the best time'. You see that idiotic picture in brochures, one MNer even posted something along those lines on here a while back - would you not like to be in this picture - all at the Mediterranean table, enjoying themselves.

No bastard gives a thought about those who prepare the food and everything for that table - nobody gives a shit what hassle it is for the women. All they bleat on is 'lovely time, fab memories, big table, all happy'.

Some sadistic bastards even invent a story - 'oh, my mum loves guests, she loves baking, she adores spending time with grandchildren' - aye, right, like she was given a choice between watching the little snotty bastards and a nice European river cruise....

So maybe your mum's neighbours are genuinely selfish and stupid to boot, so they think that you all are enjoying it?

I think the only people who would enjoy such a set-up are lords and ladies of the manor, who have servants to prepare the meals and clear up, and the money to pay for it all, whilst they 'receive guests' and enjoy the badinage at the long lovely table.

The friends and neighbours are royally taking the piss. I can't believe this has been going on for 10 years with them never even bothering to bring a bottle of wine and neither you nor DM speaking up.
Time to have a chat with your DM.
(And by the way, utilities costs incurred by your DM are tiny in comparison to your contribution).

I have a good, excellent friend. She's 82 and wants Christmas at her home, and carries the expenses for close family and friends.

It's never as straight forward as she wants it be. Some of us talk about food expenses (she's on a state pension) and how we minimise her costs for 20 + guests. She also never lifts a finger with preparations or clearing.

She is a wonderful woman and some things can't be discussed with her because she doesn't have the money or the strengh she still wants to have. And it's fine with us. As long as she organises Christmas at her home, she's happy.

People don't fall into neat categories.

@Grinch26 to be honest if your mother buys her own food the rest of the year I think it unlikely that she is unaware that this is costing you a packet. However I am not blaming you as I fell into meeting this expectation with elderly relatives.

so here we go with my suggestions if she says no to coming to yours ( and she will)

1. Cost of living Mum we are going to have to cut back - I can provide this meal, these drinks, happy to cook if you want to entertain more but you will have to buy the stuff
2. This Christmas thing has got out of hand Mum- last year I spent £X - itemise it. Will we split the cost for your meals with your friends 50/50 this year?
3. In advance of Christmas shall we agree who is buying what for the menus - we can probably get better deals now and put it in our respective freezers

“Hi Mum, I’ve been thinking about Christmas and how, in the past, so many people seem to just rely on me buying food and drink, you hosting at yours and them simply contributing nothing other than their presence.
As I’m thinking of retiring and will therefore have limited income I’d like to suggest to your friends that, if you still feel you want them all coming to yours, everyone pledges to bring something. Let’s face it Mum, they’ve been fed and watered for years and it hasn’t cost them a penny! What do you think”?

Keep it lighthearted and kind……but don’t be a pushover OP. Some people will take, take, take and give bugger all back……the longer you allow it, so it will continue.

I would just be honest with her, she will probably be more than happy to cough up the costs, than have you not turn up. It sounds like a lovely time, and it sounds apart from the costs you enjoy it, let her know x

If they were driving her to weekly appointments or shopping for her and mowing the lawn, that would make me view the situation differently. But it sounds as though she just spends time with them.

Some nice flowers two or three times a year would be fine, OP.

I think this, no amount of conversation will sink in about the cost, but a year off will make them properly aware. Then you can go to an all chip in basis.
I think that they will think you are exaggerating about the cost until they experience it.

So you feed and water the neighbours multiple times a year just for being friendly to your mum? I bet if you quantify how much each person does, it will turn out to be extremely minimal and it would cost less to have paid help. People can be extremely selfish when it comes to thinking that they are being repaid. I wonder how many of these people leave with food parcels from you? The fact that only some of them turn up with a single bottle of wine says it all. We only go for drinks to friends and take a couple of bottles of wine, beers and homemade nibbles and treats.

I’m pleased that you are going to ask your mum to come to you this year but don’t be surprised that some people will resent you for ruining THEIR Christmas.
If you feel that you wish to thank people, a bottle of wine or some flowers at Christmas or a simple buffet in the summer will suffice.

And what is wrong with her knowing that ?

Fuck me .! Friends and neighbours?? Don't these people have families of their own . Can't understand this many people ending up in your mother's house . Very harsh but no way would I be paying this amount of money to have Christmas for people who are not even my family . And are they all so oblivious that no one offers to contribute anything . You are a very nice person OP but being taking advantage of .

You're absolutely mad to have been paying for everything! Why has it never crossed your mind to say you expect a contribution?

I think, though, the planning and effort is probably still greatly appreciated by her, even if she needs to contribute cost-wise.

You won't be not giving her a good Christmas by asking her to contribute.

I suppose I have one question, though, prompted by specific circumstances I have witnessed IRL: how many more such Christmases do you expect? I have a friend who raised an issue like this with the way her Dad had been expecting Christmas to be organised and he died before they had had another two. She said she wished she had left things be and not had the discussion, as the limited time for the arrangement to play out hadn't been worth the upset.

I mean come on…you have got to stop this madness.

Money is tighter for a lot of people these days. It won't come as a surprise to anyone that things cost more than they did only a few years ago. If you do end up going to see her and having friends and neighbours over, I wouldn't feel awkward about either asking for contributions or scaling back on what you serve/how many people are invited.

I agree that the easier way is to invite her to yours this year to break the pattern of assumption that you'll provide it all—however if you're doing something similar for Easter and bank holidays (and will eventually go back to hers for future Christmases), it's inevitable that everyone involved will have to shift their expectations, sooner or later.

Don't feel guilty! You've been very generous for years, but nothing lasts forever. It's not unreasonable to want and need to adjust your expenditures over time.

Times are tough and living costs are going through the roof. You can't afford to spend so much on Christmas with extendee family, her friends and neighbours as you used to,

Tell her so. If you can't afford what she expects, because she's grown into the expectation for years, you need to say it clearly. She may have the money, but it's easier for her not to worry about Christmas' celebratioins if someoene else (you) cope with the expenses and work.

No easy way to do this except saying you can't afford it and won/t do it. You know your mom and know how to sweeten a bitter pill.