To want to stop paying all Xmas hosting costs

I’ve been in a similar position OP. After my parents died my sister would invite me to Christmas at hers with her family and I’d offer to contribute something like buying the deserts. I usually ordered two or three things from the local M&S to pick up as I took the train to where she lived. Happy to do it and help in the kitchen on the day.

My sister has form for inviting all the waifs and strays of her block of flats to dinner - one year there were about ten of us over the course of the day who were all served food and drink. Over the years I was asked to order more and more to feed these people and the cost was getting extortionate. I wouldn’t have minded so much but the other guests never contributed anything so it got a bit much to be paying for their dinner. Never mind the years of dinner my sister and family had had with me and my parents without paying a penny.

In the end I had to be quite blunt with her. I’m fine with paying my way and I’m happy to contribute to the cost of a meal but I was getting fed up of subsidising everyone else’s Christmas when they contribute nothing so I stopped. Brought a single contribution and that was it. It was rocky for a while but she got over it. I think sometimes you have to just shock people into understanding you if they refuse to actually listen. Good luck!

Tell the truth. “ mum I just want to let you know that I know I’ve paid for the Christmas food and drinks in the last few years; but I’ve looked towards planning my retirement and my finances won’t stretch to carrying on with this. I’m very happy to do the cooking and love coming to you, I just can’t afford it”

Bloody hell, how many are you feeding, or are you buying it all ready prepared from Waitrose/M&S? That seems an insane amount to me. It may be that your DM has no idea how much you spend. If neighbours and friends are coming they should absolutely contribute. Ask one to bring cheese and biscuits for x number, another a trifle to feed x number, others to bring the wine and/or snacks and nibbles. Or if your DM doesn't want to ask them, show her how much you spent last year and get her to cover most of the costs, they're HER friends, not yours!

@Makebelieveanotherlife

you can’t guarantee that, don’t be so cynical. Some of us just have nice friends and neighbours

And I’ll guarantee that once she’s no longer around you won’t hear or see these people again. And then you will look back at all your best years spent slogging away pleasing this bunch of stranger. The easiest and cheapest thing is to turn up somewhere with a bottle of wine and desert. All it requires is 10mins to the shop to pickup.
the real slog and hard work is cooking and cleaning and hosting. These are all strangers to you! Stop this now. Have your mum over and you will still be spending time with her.
I also think your mum has a huge cheek putting this on you. Off course she knows the cost and effort of all of this.

We normally host at xmas in one way or another as we have the space, and pay for it all, but it is getting really expensive, we've offered to do the main dinner at ours this year as we do have room to squeeze in 12 people, but I've told everyone they can bring a dish and their own booze. No one seems to have a problem with it so far!

If people are only coming because it is all paid for them, then they are users and you should probably look at doing things a little differently anyway.

As the cost, rather than the effort is the major challenge you probably need to be upfront with your DM, who probably has no idea how much you are spending. Something like.. I need to make changes to how I support Christmas for everyone from this year Mum, because I am retiring, and inflation is hitting hard. We could cut back and not invite the neighbours, or ask them to bring a contribution, or perhaps you could help with the costs..? NB organising the neighbours will need to happen or you will have some cheeky fs arriving with a large bag of 10p carrots, or passing off an unwanted Christmas food gift.

It's very hard to say NO to her face really, and I get that. There are ways to do it, all are outlined above, pick one! You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, you have been (are) a very generous and kind daughter all the way along.

The mould needs to break. Once you do it, it will be fine. It's the awkwardness around thinking you might be coming across as mean looking for a contribution that might be difficult for you. You are anything but that, it is reality, and I doubt anyone including your Mum will mind. I often think that guests just do not realise how much time, effort and cost goes into hosting things and visitors. Everything just appears due to your good work!

I broke the mould when my mum died. I was the host for years after Dad died and all the family came to mine. Then Covid came the year after mum's passing, and the routine stopped for that year. It never came back.... myself and partner fecked off to Spain the first Christmas travel resumed. The family were a bit gobsmacked but wished us well, and there's no issue at all now. We go every year since. It's bloody great and we FaceTime on Christmas Day now from afar!

OP, I’ve lost track of comments, but whoever advised you not to rock the boat because you never know how long your mother has left is slathering you with emotional blackmail.
You yourself deserve consideration now, as (forgive me, but I am much older, so I’ve a licence to blurt!) you are no chicken either.

Think about this, if emotional pressure is the way all this is going.
Say you change nothing, and your mother passes away within five years (God forbid).
There’s every chance you will have a solid, festering resentment inside by then, and with good reason, and this will definitely taint your memories of her.
I think now is the perfect time to ensure your loving relationship is refreshed and perhaps pruned a little.
(I’m blathering in like this because my mother’s final years, vis à vis me, or vice versa, could have been brighter and happier, more honest; and this is very hard to have lurking behind my memories of the dear old thing)

Far better upset the apple cart now, use a bit of kindly firmness if necessary but do not agree to be steamrollered any more.
Standing up to the weight of ten years’ habituation might seem daunting but in reality, it doesnt make your case weaker does it? It makes it stronger!

You have no more available money or chunks of time and energy to give (and that need not be explained in detail, unless DM is not very bright) so Christmas absolutely must change, for the two of you.
So what? It’s a change trivial in the extreme, when you are proposing a lovely snug family celebration at your house now, and how nice DSis will be home too! Old people cope with altered circs a lot better than their reputation insists.
When the alteration is necessary because the always reliable person badly needs the change, it’s pretty well unarguable for anyone decent.
With that in mind, be ready to keep up your end and don’t shift from Christmas at yours.
The change could be revivifying for both of you.
But if (horror alert) this comes to pass, but on Dec 27th DM has a fall or worse, it would be nothing at all to do with you, in terms of more guilt.

Please, please, stand up for yourself. You have the right to exist as much as anyone but are trying very hard to take up only half your allotted space. A dutiful daughter need not be entirely self-abnegating.

Who knows how many Christmases any of us has left?
Resolve to enjoy them rather more to your own taste now; it’s high time.
/rant ends

[The pp who knew of an old chap who died after not getting his way at Christmas knows very well that it does not constitute a parable to guide us.]

Good plan.

I think the friends and neighbours are cheeky lazy cats.
I can't imagine being hosted every Xmas and not insisting on contributing money/bringing something (and I mean more than a token bottle)/mucking in with prep and clean-up.
A quiet Xmas at yours for your mum sounds like the best option unless you think they would respond well to a suggestion of everyone pulling together.

She must be pretty foggy if she has been oblivious to all her DD has been spending these past ten years, and largely on those guests who are bugger all to do with her.
Really, OP’s Christmases have been an annual block of three - five days of being a housekeeper and cook, as well as a lady’s companion, and all with the usual financial arrangement completely backwards. She pays for this privilege.

I’m hopping mad on her behalf, and would find it very hard not to burst with all the frustration and impotence at dear DM!

Your mum and her neighbours probably think you want to do this because you have never complained before. Asking your mum to come to you is an obvious solution but if you're going af Easter, make arrangements for everyone to bring a dish. Cuts down the cost and the work.

No more freebies: Say to everyone, not your DM, if you are joining us for Christmas Dinner it's £? per person (the cost includes drinks). When costing make sure everyone pays a extra so that you have enough so your dinner and your DM's is included. Plus take home ALL the leftovers (some people think because they gave you money for their dinner they are entitled to take leftovers).

I'd be interested to know how this has come about, and how the precedent was set that you always pay for everything?

I think it is lovely what you do, but there is no way you should be paying for it all too.

Offering to host your mum at yours is a good way to kick off the conversation that it is costing you a bit too much to do it at hers and have to pay for everything for everyone, it is a way of telling her it is getting too much without refusing to host. If she is not keen on the idea of coming to you, she may offer to pay and keep it at hers, she should be doing that anyway in fairness.

I know you're feeling emotional about it all but you are being taken for a mug. I'm sorry 😞

I wouldn't do this. If the OP makes sure she gets money upfront from everyone, otherwise,I'm guessing here,but the neighbours can't be relied on to bring any food or drink. The op deserves a break for Christmas anyway.

You need to be open and honest with your mum now. Say you aren't able to afford to pay for everything now and ask her what is the alternative going forward. She's being a bit selfish to assume you'll be doing this every year 😞

The other adults are taking the Pss. A bottle for wine does not cover all the cost of food etc.
They don't even clear up?! Outrageous.

Oh Lord dear @Grinch26

It's not just Christmas but Easter, 2 May Bank Hols and August Bank hol
At approx £500 a piece that's £2,500 a year! Not to mention that instead of having a rest, or some time off over the various holiday weekends. You are planning, shopping, cooking, laying tables, serving and cleaning up afterwards.
So you go back to work again, poorer and worn out.

It's not sustainable dear OP. Make some plans that the next bank holiday you will go to a spa or go hiking in the lake district or a European City break, or just relax at home and get the repairs you talked about done... and spend some some of your time and your money on yourself for a change. Take your mum too if you want. on one of your trips.

You are clearly a kind person, but now you have to start being kind to yourself x

Completely

I get that, but going forward if you can't afford it, then that's that. By ringing the changes you could end up having just as good a time, albeit differently.

This is fair. It's not like you're abandoning her/letting people down, you just don't want it costing you way more than the others (different if you were much richer and they were starving).
If one person always does it, everyone should chip in.

Why does it have to mean you're irritated? I thought it was just about a change in fiscal situation i.e. Cost of living means price of things has sky rocketed in 10 years and you are looking to retirement. To me that doesn't scream irritation, it's says a woman making careful financial decisions by asking others to contribute, which is very reasonable.

But flip it on its head, why does it matter if your mum knows you have felt irritated? Do you not have the kind of relationship where you can be emotionally honest with her?

Reading this thread is enlightening. Not all of us have the same experiences, and there is a huge chasm between them.' I always shake my head using "culture" as an excuse for selfish parenting.

OP, you simply can't afford to keep the Christmas you mother expects - it's your reality. Your options are not rocking the boat and damage yourself and your finances, present and future, or have a frank conversation with her saying "I can't continue, because it's not sustainable". You can put it in nicer words but it's the line you shouldn't cross.

If your mother loves you and has a minium understanding about you and your future, it shouldn't be a problem. If she doesn't....well.....that's a whole different issue.