To want to stop paying all Xmas hosting costs

What's wrong with her realising you are irritated? If she is too obtuse to work it out for herself, she absolutely needs to have it explained to her.

I’ve never understood the mentality of people going to someone’s house and not contributing, but maybe it’s because of my family dynamics. It was my mum, me, my sister and BIL.

Nine times out of ten, I’d host. I’d do the food shop, cook the meal, etc. However, no quibbles involved, we’d split the cost between us for the majority of the food. If there was stuff that would do me for longer than there stay, I wouldn’t include it on the “bill”. But we’d split it for the main items.

I wouldn’t dream of going to someone else’s and not contributing. I’d be bloody grateful, for a start, that they were hosting and cooking.

Christmas is expensive, have the conversation now - responses will be telling and will probably elicit further advice.

YANBU, but if she's coming to you make sure she doesn't invite the neighbours too. Or the only thing that will change is the venue.

Did your mum give you a reply?

Oh! 🤭

Yes, if only that had actually happened

Spoiler alert: That's what has actually happened.

JFC.

Cancel the cheque!

I can’t believe you’ve been doing this and that your DM has been letting you! If you were hosting, that’d be one thing, but you're going to her house, paying for it all and cooking for her mates! She’s treating you like a skivvy.

Stop this now - tell her now so she has lots of notice. Start saving hard for your own retirement.

Go away for Christmas or if you do go to hers she must pay for all food and drink while you cook in exchange (or whatever you’re comfortable with).

Great idea!

Why not read the thread @PerkyPinkZebra? OP has already talked to her mum.

Time for a direct conversation. Let her know you're likely to retire soon and have some large costs to improve your home before that so need to reduce Christmas costs. Asking to split the costs with her and any siblings who attend isn't unreasonable. If the don't agree maybe just go for the day and do a more scaled back roast.

Yanbu. No way would I be spending that kind of money yearly to host my mums friends and neighbours. I would either say everyone needs to chip in x amount each or bring a dish and a bottle or take turns hosting.

OP, I do hope that you will give serious consideration to the option of you and your Mum going to a lovely hotel for a special Christmas together instead.

Which region of the UK do you live in?

That's what I thought. Well cheeky.

They've had a touch for 10 years and regardless of affordability they should be contributing in any case.

Time for a change!

How did she respond to that?

@Grinch26
If it were me this year I'd take the £500 and go somewhere nice, be waited on hand and foot but explain to mum that as financial circumstances have changed you'll sit down with her after Christmas to discuss 2027's Christmas Day scenario properly as you desparately need a break from doing it all every year now and this will be the last time you'll ever be able to spend that sort of money again anyway
So you've given yourself a last Hurrah as in the future you're going to need more fiscal help from her and her acquaintances
If things are to keep going
Just saying

I think I would knock it on the head. Because you have always done it, it's become expected. Trying to work out who brings what will be a nuisance. Tell people now so they can make alternative arrangements.

OP, this may not apply to you at all, but I had a similar arrangement with my MIL (though not as extreme as yours!). Did all of Xmas, all the cooking, food buying, invited her friends etc year after year. However, in my case, MIL had done a lot for us and continued to be generous at other times of year (eg children's birthdays) so I sort of viewed it a a quid pro quo. Does anything like that apply to your mum?

That’s the way to do it , we have to know when to stop otherwise you can spend a fortune . Setting a budget is a good idea and helps keep track when of what you’re buying , who really needs 5 types of desert and 27 different vegetables.

If your sister is going to be there this year I think you’re off the hook. Just tell your mum you have been offered a holiday away with friends (or some other believable tale), save £500 and enjoy a peaceful decadent Christmas by yourself!

I think this might be easiest option.

Is that not
normal for friends? Without feeling you have to reward them with free food and drinks?

Christmas is way too expensive for one person to pay for themselves every year. I usually cook Christmas dinner for 7-10 of my family. My dad always offers to pay half. Since he’s retired I always decline but suggest he brings drinks (mostly soft drinks, a few beers for himself and my OH and a bottle of white for me). My sisters don’t offer and I don’t ask since both are single parents and one of them was recently made redundant.
I don’t think it has to be an awkward conversation.
Mum, I’m finding it bit much paying for all of this every year. Would you be able to pay something towards the cost and ask your friends to maybe bring a little something?