AIBU to utterly despise someone based on one comment they made?

This and the post above about the woman who said sarah everard "shouldn't have been out during lockdown" have genuinely shocked me 😦

Shortly after the 7 / 7 london bombings someone I worked with was talking about Charles de Menezes and said " well he shouldn't have run" I asked her what she meant as he was running to catch a train like many people do . She said " he shouldn't have run from the police should he." I said that he had done nothing wrong in the first place, had been wrongly identified and targeted by poor policing methods and moreover did not know he was being followed by armed police with permission to shoot to kill him on his way to work.
" Well even so" she said " he shouldn't have run".

Up until then I had thought her an intelligent, well educated woman with a good perspective on life. Couldn't have been more wrong though could I Lisa?

I remember I was with a few other couples and there was a news story about someone, genuinely can't remember, who had been convicted for tax fraud. Some billionaire. My friends DH said that the sentence was too harsh, I was thinking it was light. Someone else challenged him and he said he thinks white collar criminals aren't real criminals and tax evasion is a victimless crime. He then went on to say these types shouldn't be placed in a prison with regular criminals because they aren't cut out for it and they shouldn't be with all the thugs. I've known him for many years now and I've found him to be a good person day to day, a good dad and husband and clever and often funny but I cannot and will not ever move on from that. I can endure his company but feel he is so morally lacking that I can't ever grow affection for him

I think with some of these comments part of the instant rejection reflex you get is that you feel disgust that these people must be sure that you have the same opinions and that they're on safe ground spouting them off. You fear the association. You have to shake it off.

She tthinks I'm like her! Other people must think I'm that sort of person! Oh no, don't anybody lump me in with her gang. Do I look like a..."

@Ilovemyfam "There are vile things that demonstrate someone is just vile. There are however vile comments that to me reflect views of times gone past."

To an extent. Vile people are always going to say vile things, and sometimes people say things that were more acceptable in the past. But I've known plenty of people who've engaged in so called "banter" who aren't by any means old. Most notably men. And I've encountered young women whose sensitivity only extends as far as their own front door. Human nature is human nature, no matter what generation or demographic it comes from.

When i had my third child i was very much "an older mum", and he was concieved despite the fact i'd had a sterilisation op (so a massive surprise).

When i came back to work form the maternity leave i got a few words of congratulations, but most people just desperately wanted to know if i'd be sueing the hospital. One woman even just flat out said "id've had an abortion if it was me"

@freesiamese I think what you said was perfectly understandable and in no way crass. I'd put it down to her not thinking totally rationally. I think if she'd recounted the exchange after the event it would be likely the context of what you said would have been pointed out to her.

That really is quite a leap. I firmly suspect the nationality of the victims was totally irrelevant to the OP.

I don't think people that weren't of the age to be watching the news at that time can really appreciate the magnitude of the event.

I was home that day and absolutely glued to the telly, not in a gratuitous way, it's just there was a real sense of fear of what's coming next.

I remember phoning a friend who happened to be out shopping and saying she had to go home to watch the news. It was just such a surreal experience.

I'd have felt exactly the same as the OP if someone I knew had reacted as her ex did.

My partner and I both agree we were really shocked when it happened, as adults, but it wouldn't really be something to watch or talk about now. It was 25 years go. We watched that drone display, which was well done, but nothing more than that. 🤷‍♀️

Jesus for that comment alone, he isn't safe to be a taxi driver. I'd have reported him.

Woah 😦 wtf

I disgusted someone on 9/11 and their revulsion at me still upsets me. I was working in an office, a colleague came into the room and said “There’s been a bombing at the World Trade Centre.” (note, she said bombing, so she gave an inaccurate report.) I looked at her in surprise, and after a moment I said “Again?” because I knew about the World Trade Centre’s carpark bomb in 1993 which had killed 6 people. She looked at me with total revulsion and our working relationship never recovered.
Was I abhorrent to have said “Again?” I’ve pondered that. I think it was just a misunderstanding. She did say “bomb” not “plane crashed into tower” and there had been a previously deadly bomb, which I knew about, but she did not, at that moment, know about.

We then found a radio and switched it on and discovered that it had not been a bomb, but two plane crashes. She left the office to go home that afternoon and a few months later I just moved jobs.

An Ex of mine once said "you should be over it by now" a few months after my best friend since primary school died at 25 of cancer. It wasn't even as if i was constantly crying or moping (i hardly ever cry), i just liked to occasionally mention things she did or said (just like when she was alive). Apparently when people die we should move on and not mention them again.

Absolutely this. It was hard to take in and noone knew what was going to happen next, a great many more awful things seemed perfectly possible to be imminent. We didn't have access to the world's news on a small screen in our hand to refer to and pretty much everyone I knew watched the TV news coverage way into the night on 9/11.

Yes! Someone I thought was a reasonable person.

We were discussing the awful sarah everard case a few months later and her first response was “she shouldn’t have been out due to Covid restrictions” …. I’ve never looked at her in the same way since.

Similar when Jill Dando was shot my bf thought it was funny. That was definitely one of turning points for me even if it took nearly 2 years to get away afterwards

One of my colleagues made a comment about Palestinian lives being worth it for Israel’s security. Despised him ever since

WTAF!
Wow,just wow.😡
I'm so sorry for your losses 💔

Starting week for a co-worker. He showed great promise; he picked things up very fast and seemed nice. I thought he was going to be a fantastic fit with the team, and the quality of his written work was exemplary.

Right up to a training session with a very knowledgeable older woman, where, during the break, he thought it would be a good idea to make nasty, vile, sly, snide, sexual digs at her age and her being of no use to him or any man, under the guise of 'being funny'. I realised that he had very clearly just shown me who he was as a person and how he viewed women (as well as being comfortable enough in himself to say it aloud in front of his new colleagues), and I immediately despised him.

I firmly but politely explained that what he said in no way could be considered funny and that in this role we expected our members of staff to be respectful (that's it, that's all I said)

He immediately became livid and showed himself to be someone who doesn't tolerate being challenged very well, especially by a woman. He got those red slashes on the cheekbones and blotches on his neck that people get when they show real temper in their face. He threatened me with a formal HR report for 'bullying him' if I ever mentioned his comments or our conversation ever again.

Thankfully, the whole exchange was noticed, and he did not progress or last long in the role.

My 'D'M is about the worst person I know and says lots of things like this; e.g. after my FIL's funeral, my MIL was a broken woman, a shell... my mother sidled up to her with a cheeky nudge and said 'Hey, you can find a boyfriend now!'

Then she scuttled back to me and said delightedly 'Ooh, I think I upset MIL!'

😒

This sort of thing is why I am pretty much NC with her...

I know what you mean, but sometimes it can come from trauma. Like a grandparent who said a stillbirth/miscarriage wasn't that big a deal, if you're ok with abortion, because either a pre 40 week baby who has never taken an independent breath dying is sad or it's not.

Awful, right? But then when I heard about something she had been through as a girl, it made me feel different. Sometimes people express things really badly, or have their own reasons for trauma.

A much more minor example I have is of a friend who I have had for 10 years. We are part of a group of school mums, Some
with professional careers, some
with part-time jobs and some stay at home mums. It’s a great group.

When I was out with her the other day (she is a dr and I am a lawyer), she said how little respect she had for the mothers in the group who had not worked since their children were born. It completely took me aback and made me wonder what kind of things she might be judging me for.

You should have poured the tea over his wrinkly crotch.

I don't despise my MIL but feel indifferent towards her after a really cold comment she made 12years ago .
It was the 1st anniversary of my darling Mums death and i said to her i was feeling sad.
She said 'we don't do emotions in this family ' !
I have never forgotten that and feel indifferent about her dementia now
Happy to give practical advice to husband and siblings but that is all .
I am a very caring person usually.

Someone at work who was a well-known pest. An older woman had lost her son aged 28. Understandably she didn’t really accept many invitations although a few years had passed. She turned down an invite to a party and well-known foot in mouth lack of empathy pest said “you’d think she’d have god over it by now” with an eye roll. Cunt.