Childcare woes

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable!

Has your son always wiped her arse and treated her like an entitled little madam?

All the "ah she has a newborn" posts are really tiresome, I'd say 90% of posters here have done that with children, about 30% without any family help or the luxury of cash to sort it.

I personally had 4 under 4, flew about the house doing everything from day 1, it's really not hard.

YANBU to take a step back.
But she sounds like she's struggling and all the judgement about her lack of career is entirely irrelevant. Her privileged background has nothing at all to do with her ability to cope with a toddler and a newborn.
Your DS is a grown man with a Big Job, he can sort himself out.

i feel for this woman. She has 2 under 2. Recently given birth. Obv isnt coping very well. Pnd.

she isn’t coping and crying out for help

and best thing is your son and wife have the means to get help by a nanny cleaner meals in etc

j sinks also consider a night nanny so he gets some sleep and also baby will be out into a routine which will help the mum mental health

you need to stop driving there so much as it is tiring for you as well and they are relying on you

but as they have money they need to get more help

if a nanny is there 8-6 for example then no need for nursery for 2yr. Esp if just started and they may feel baby is here and pushed out

It is absolutely your business-that's your child, DIL and grandchild, and your money and unpaid labour. If they were just getting on with it, it wouldn't be your concern, but what decent woman could just walk away?
Is she suffering from health issues and would she benefit from therapy?

They are very privileged that they have enough money to outsource all their hardships like cleaning, cooking, ironing, gardening etc.

Tell your son it’s effecting your mental/physical health helping so much and that you need to take a step back.

remind him of how privileged he is and that his money needs to be easing the burden not you. She sounds like she’s struggling and that isn’t her fault. They could have a day nanny and a night nanny if they wanted.

I hope she’s getting the correct mental health care that she needs.

In fact on 250k they could probably get 2 Nanny’s. One for each of the kids!

Why are they not having the nanny full time? Then she can have both children from 8am. Or one child at a time, or chop and change between the children. Or have the nanny full time, she can do nursery runs and then help with the newborn when she’s back from the nursery runs.

I would say this is because YANBU to want to stop doing so much childcare for them. But YABU in terms of your attitude towards your DIL.

How often do you want to go down?

How much do you wnat to do?

OP, you made me smile. I hope a young man earning £250k a year has the capacity and intelligence to ascertain whether his actions or lack of are putting his job at risk and doesn't need to rely on his mum to warn him.

All in good spirit 😉

I think you should stop visiting, for the sake of your poor daughter in law. How unfair to call her 'useless'. You sound like you think very little of her. She doesn't work so therefore is failing, whereas your son is doing incredibly well according to you. As a couple that's totally fine, they're a team so one can earn while the other raises the children. She's not lazy if she's gone from being pregnant, to having a baby, to being pregnant again to having a baby and a toddler! It also sounds like very early days and I highly doubt he's doing 'all the childcare' if he's also working full time as that's not possible! He also doesn't do the housework as they have a cleaner and clearly isn't doing all the cooking as you've said they have a meal delivery service.

My well-earning husband worked from home when I had a newborn and I disturbed him plenty, he should have worked out of the home if he didn't want that. I'd step back and let them figure things out on their own, I don't suppose they actually need your help as much as you think.

You deserve a life of your own. Sounds like you've done alot. Tell them you need to go home. They have a cleaner and have a nanny starting. Its more than most people have.

Privately educated but who still cannot get a job and support herself
Sorry, she's spent 50% of the last 3 years incubating your grandchildren? And frankly, with a DP on 250K, do you really think a job is necessary?

It feels like my business as he could lose his job
He's a big boy, I think that's his responsibility.

Stop helping so much and it will help you feel less entitled to criticise.

Their set up does not sound in the slightest dysfunctional. Mum is tired and struggling with a tiny baby. Dad is doing what lots of men do now ..taking on tasks like dropping older one at nursery or making dinner.

Yes my husband used to come home from work and do all the cooking when I had a newborn. Thsts called supporting the exhausted mum who he loves

I feel ive stumbled back into the bloody victorian times here

OP it's not really clear whether your son's job is actually at risk, or whether that is purely your own worry?

10AM starts on office days and nursery dropoffs when you have a newborn are fairly commonplace these days. and wouldn't raise eyebrows in a lot of workplaces. The new baby was only born a few weeks ago, I don't think the father doing the nursery run is a a bad thing initially, especially if it's a tricky dropoff.

Who is asking you to go over and help, your son or DIL? Talk to your son (not DIL) and see how he thinks it's all going. They have the resources to buy in help for your DIL, try being a little bit less available for them one the nanny starts.

Whoah.

Ita completely normal for a man to reduce hours in the first weeks after a baby is born.

My husband was the main earner and going in late when we had a newborn and toddler is something he frequently did to help me . She mau have been up all night so him taking some time with the toddler is part of family life

You sound like a really judgemental person.

Talking about him leaving the mother of his newborn baby!!!

It's natural the 2 year old will be sad leaving mum and new baby and might want extra time at home or with dad. I remember mine being like that

Cant believe this woman judging crap on a mums forum

Dad helps tired mum shocker

Agree with all of this.

This is an issue about adjusting to life with 2 very young children including 1 newborn and where the mum is recovering. There was absolutely no need for you to mention her private education in your post.

You don’t need to go and help. But it also sounds like your son has enough money to put things in place anyway so leave them to it.

Stop going. You’re enabling them in this dysfunctional dynamic by acting like a third parent. It’s come from a good place of care and concern but they need to sort it out between themselves.

She's just had a newborn. That is difficult, especially with another child.

When does the nanny start? On that salary they could have a nanny and a housekeeper type role to do cleaning, washing, food shop etc.

That is the practical side of things. It sounds like you think there is more to it emotionally and mentally for them.

Yes, it’s well known that anyone privately educated just can’t deal with life those poor, spoiled little rich girls. It’s also well known that husbands who earn 250k in their Big Important Jobs are always stepping in and doing all the childcare, particularly over night. This woman, a month after giving birth need to just suck it all up and not have her partner be bothered with such mundane nonsense as looking after children. 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Oldandtirednow

Of course she was exhausted prior, during and after pregnancy, she has a toddler. They are hard work, even if they are your only job. Adding pregnancy and a newborn to that, when you are likely barely sleeping is exhausting. You are also exhausted by it all, as you said.

If you can’t / don’t want to help then it’s fine to step back. Why on earth you haven’t told your incredibly wealthy husband he needs to buy in more help, find a better solution for childcare for his 2 year old and instead are running to his aid like he’s a child, is beyond me. Or do you prefer just to berate his wife for being terrible whilst you martyr yourself?

He needs to get some backbone and tell her to step up. If she won't, leave her. She's a leech and you need to stop facilitating her behaviour. Let it come to a head.