Childcare woes

Why would you be not "decent" if you take a step back and let them deal with it? They're adults and he earns plenty of money to buy help in.

I had a similar age gap with my children and I had 4 weeks (mon- Friday) of help from my mum as my eldest was not in nursery. My husband then took paternity leave and after that we muddled along.

I have found that being thrown in the deep end gave me the resilience to get through the tough days. If I could get through a really hard day without external help then the next day would feel like a breeze. It is really difficult so it’s lovely to hear you do support them.

You may be enabling the “uselessness” as you’re there to pick up the pieces and if it was me in your DILs position I would have loved the extra pair of hands.

But maybe give them a time frame and say after that I can’t do it. Being useless is no excuse, it’s almost the lazy way out and hoping somebody else picks up the pieces. Which is unfortunately you!

If my MIL made a post like this about me I’d never see her again. She’s struggling and asking for help. You give it and resent it. Stop helping. My MIL helps me a lot, I’d be mortified if she actually felt like this and spoke so badly about me. You seem to think your son is a martyr - he is in a relationship and chooses to help his wife. He’s doing exactly what a husband should do and stepping up - you should be proud that he’s doing what he can. Realistically he’s not going to lose his job over drop offs. It’s a difficult time for new parents but it doesn’t last long. Help if you can. But only if you genuinely want to.

OP what is motivating you here?

But it feels like my business as he could lose his job because of the amount of time he has to take off.

To be clear, that has sweet FA to do with you. You’ll have to find something else to brag about than “my son earns £250k a year” to your friends and acquaintances. You could try “I have two beautiful grandchildren”, perhaps.

I’ve no idea what private education and wealthy families has to do with anything. They don’t do anything to make a woman a good parent. You’re being utterly unfair to your DIL.

My husband was desperate for children. I didn’t think I had it in me. We eventually had one. DH worked away. I had no family within thousands of miles. Hardest 18 months of my life. He hated being away and came back. I went back to work and he became the default parent. Both worked full time, my job needing me to be on site every day and eventually involving considerable travel.

DD is hurtling toward adulthood. I still find parenting incredibly hard. DH still does at least 50% week in, week out.

Is your son actually worried about his job or are you just looking for more big sticks to beat your DIL with?

You are not turning your back on them, they have support and money, they aren’t homeless in a hostel! You are insisting on inserting yourself into this, despite your negativity about your DIL (which she will feel, BTW, and which won’t be helping)

You don’t need to show the nanny the ropes. It won’t be her first rodeo and your DS and DIL can do that. Nanny doesn’t have to learn everything on day 1 about routines and food preferences or whatever.

Why do you need to show the nanny the ropes? Have you been asked to do this?

The baby is still a newborn. Your DS is not doing all the childcare if he is working. A nanny is starting soon. It might be better if at that point DS starts working from another place, at least sometimes, so that he he gets uninterrupted time to work. I think having working parents using home as a work space puts a big burden on the person doing childcare, who then cannot relax at home as they have to keep the dc quiet all the time.
Your DiL will learn to manage the DC by herself, and the fact that she is struggling to do so at the moment doesn’t make her incapable. It’s a skill that is picked up gradually. In many societies women have not been expected to manage alone so soon after childbirth.
Its your choice how much time and support you want to give, but it would be fine if you were start pulling back a little now.
And I know he’s your precious son, but do try to be less partisan about this.

I'd also ask yourself whether you are helping in a way that empowers this woman as a mother and encourages her to take additional control over the situation? Or are you helping in a way that takes over from her role as mother and pushes her out?

I knew someone with PPD that was "helped" in the second way by well intentioned family with disastrous results.

Just don’t go. She’ll have to deal with it all herself (alongside the nanny, cleaner, nursery). If you keep going, she’ll never change.

OP what would happen if you broke your leg or equivalent and couldn't travel?

Next time they ask you to go say no, you're too exhausted.

Just stop. She’s taking advantage of you and you’re letting her! Just feign an illness and stay away for a week and see how she copes. Then explain your new boundaries by telling them how much help you’re willing to give because you cannot cope with the level of child care you’re giving at the moment.

You absolutely need to stop this. Unless you are someone who enjoys playing the martyr?

They can afford to buy in care if needed. If DS chooses not to, that’s his decision to make. You are way over involved and invested.

Do you have other DC? What do they say?

Are you sure she isn’t suffering from post partum depression as well as post partum exhaustion? Depression can leave you feeling overwhelmed by the normal day to day stuff you would otherwise cope with. Did your son take all his paternity leave when the baby was born or would he be able to take some now just while they are getting other help sorted out?

You need to step back and stop worrying so much. They are both adults and need to problem solve themselves. They are the ones who have been making these decisions to have the children (and when) so they have to make it work.

I mean I presume you weren’t part of the discussions when to have the next baby and what part you played? They have much more help than most people do tbh.

Your son has chosen this woman - and to have two kids with her so he must know what she is like by now.

Why are you worrying about his job - it’s up to him what to do if it’s at risk. Is he worrying?

If you are exhausted, stop doing so much for them. They will cope. They have to, just like millions of other families!

Stop exhausting yourself. You need to look after your own health.

They have enough resources to buy in all the help they need. You do not need to provide free childcare.

If your DS is capable of earning that level of salary he must have the skills to decide what resources are needed and make the necessary management decisions.

You need to be firm "I would make myself ill if I keep doing all this extra work, I can't do it. I love you all dearly but from now on my visits are not going to be in order to work"

They can pay for nanny, housekeeper and meal prep services, you can visit for fun, not as a cost-saving exercise.

Why do you think she doesn't have pnd? Certainly sounds as though she might. She might well have been struggling with it since the first child.

Stop being such a martyr. They've got the means to pay for plenty of help if they want to. If your DS would rather look after his wife and kids himself, that is his choice and I say good for him - he really doesn't need sympathy for being a present father. He is actively choosing to step up and do it himself.

If your son took his paternity leave before the baby was born (didn’t know this was allowed but OK…) then she hasn’t had any time of “full time co-parenting” for two kids. No wonder she is overwhelmed.

You are martyring yourself, you do not have to go. Given the nanny is starting shortly, that’s an excellent time to step back as they will have more hands on help.

To be honest if how you describe people you like id hate to see how you'd describe people you don't. You say this is because she can't cope with the two of them, but the baby is 6 weeks old. Did your son take any time off? Did they still need you when he was off? If this has been going on for 6 weeks I think you're very dramatic. Just say I can't come over today. I'm wrecked. I've got friends etc. If he loses his job over having kids more fool him.

nanny, cleaner, gardener and a chef

Well, stop. When we had our eldest, our household income was about £40k. We managed just fine using paid childcare (and no benefits) and had zero help from family. You can say no.

And this is a son problem. The fact that he would rather see you be miserable and feel exploited than part with his precious money to fix the problem says a lot about how much he values you. And what are you even doing that is so exhausting if they have a nanny and two parents at home? I wasn’t as exhausted as you describe when it was just me at home looking after two dc with no nanny! Your son is exploiting you by the sound of it and you are happily allowing it. Just stop. They will manage just like all the rest of us have.

Lastly, I would not draw conclusions about who does what based on your visits. When any of my ILs visit, dh does everything. Because facilitating his family coming to stay is his responsibility, not mine. He sorts the kids, cleans the house, stops work early to entertain everyone, cooks, gets up with the kids while I have a lie in. That’s not at all what normal family life is like. But I’m not running around after his family because he wants them to come to stay. If people drew conclusions about me from those visits, they would think I did nothing, when in fact, most of the time, all those things are my jobs.