AIBU to wonder why many posters find it harder to make friends than find a life partner?

I'm baffled at the number of people on Mumsnet who struggle with the most basic social interactions and find making friends to be traumatic, but have found a life partner to settle down and have kids with.

A significant number of posters on here struggle with friendship or social interaction to various degrees, manifested in the extreme in the declarations that they "hate people", "don't want new friends", find friends to be too much "drama" and only want to spend time with their families. There is a classic of the genre running at the moment in which an OP has taken umbrage at a coworker making fairly mild friendly overtures to her as a gross invasion of her privacy. (But admits that she met her partner at work?) Or just at the milder end of the spectrum the huge amount of anxiety which making new friends seems to generate.

I genuinely don't understand why people who have managed to find an intimate relationship in which to have children can find the prospect of exchanging words outside the school gate or sending a text to a coworker so traumatic.

I found attracting a partner and building a relationship to be a far more fraught and involved process than making friends: there's so much more to lose, so much more vulnerability needed and the prospect of loss of face and self-esteem in the process of dating is far greater than in making friends. But texting someone (platonically) to ask if they want to have a coffee seems to spiral posters into paroxysms of self-doubt. The "school mum" threads are a whole sub-genre in their own right, where the paranoia and suspicion is often seriously irrational.

Why do people find it relatively easy to find a partner but finding friends so difficult? From my perspective it should be the other way around.

I'm baffled at the number of people on Mumsnet who struggle with the most basic social interactions and find making friends to be traumatic, but have found a life partner to settle down and have kids with.

A significant number of posters on here struggle with friendship or social interaction to various degrees, manifested in the extreme in the declarations that they "hate people", "don't want new friends", find friends to be too much "drama" and only want to spend time with their families. There is a classic of the genre running at the moment in which an OP has taken umbrage at a coworker making fairly mild friendly overtures to her as a gross invasion of her privacy. (But admits that she met her partner at work?) Or just at the milder end of the spectrum the huge amount of anxiety which making new friends seems to generate.

I genuinely don't understand why people who have managed to find an intimate relationship in which to have children can find the prospect of exchanging words outside the school gate or sending a text to a coworker so traumatic.

I found attracting a partner and building a relationship to be a far more fraught and involved process than making friends: there's so much more to lose, so much more vulnerability needed and the prospect of loss of face and self-esteem in the process of dating is far greater than in making friends. But texting someone (platonically) to ask if they want to have a coffee seems to spiral posters into paroxysms of self-doubt. The "school mum" threads are a whole sub-genre in their own right, where the paranoia and suspicion is often seriously irrational.

Why do people find it relatively easy to find a partner but finding friends so difficult? From my perspective it should be the other way around.

Yeah I'll probably get torn a new one for saying this but I think the majority of the people who say they never want any friends and hate all people under all circumstances are not being entirely honest with themselves.

I don’t think anyone has said they are lonely have they? Being alone isn’t the same thing as being lonely.

Personally I can’t ‘grab a cuppa’ at will. Luckily my friends are happy not to expect me to.

These days it’s easier than ever to keep in touch. The internet allows people to have an entire ‘tribe’ without leaving the house!

If you don't want to grab a cuppa, then you don't want friends. Excluding trauma/ abuse/ ND conditions. I feel I have to say this as otherwise people will go on about ableism. I am talking about the vast majority of people who are NT and have no abuse.

That's fine. Just don't say that you are lonely then.

Op said she doesnt know why people cant just go for a coffee/ get on and make friends
Sometimes you just dont want to

It's the same question my main abuser has asked me many times, "but you're a person".
Also, my mum, best friend and brother also say they hate people. They have also been through a heck of a lot of trauma in their lives. I have nightmares to this day about things people did to me as a child. I have been dis trusting of everyone since a child. I haven't been able to achieve anything much due to severe depression, social anxiety, severe low self esteem and zero confidence from abuse, so if you still can't understand why I don't like people, well, I don't know what else to say really

I don't think people mean they literally hate people. I think they have possibly been hurt by people.or they are very uncomfortable socially. Maybe some don't feel safe around people some people put up a barrier.

There's not always a logic answer to things.

Yeah I'll probably get torn a new one for saying this but I think the majority of the people who say they never want any friends and hate all people under all circumstances are not being entirely honest with themselves.

But you're assuming I haven't experienced my own trauma. I have.

But thankfully medication and therapy have made a massive difference to me. I used to say I hated everyone and didn't need anyone in my life - I can only hope you manage to turn things around a bit for yourself as you deserve every bit of happiness.

If someone thinks not trusting and liking people because of a lifetime of abuse makes you immature then they have zero understanding of trauma

Op said she doesnt know why people cant just go for a coffee/ get on and make friends
Sometimes you just dont want to

Has anyone said this? That women need to be friends with anyone and everyone? People are inventing things.

This must be friends thing is rather odd

There are some people you just dont want to be friends with
Thats ok
Really dangerous to tell women they must give up their autonomy and go against their instincts
Have you heard of " emotional safety" @Thepeopleversuswork

I'm sorry if you think its an attempted gotcha but I do think the blanket "I hate people" statement is inherently ridiculous: it's self-evidently a huge sweeping statement to say all people are "selfish and nasty". People are massively variable as a starting point and then their behaviour various wildly according to situations.

I also wonder why people bother posting on a chat thread with other people if they genuinely hate people? If you really genuinely wanted nothing to do with other people why would you bother engaging with an online community in the first place?

It feels slightly performative, to be honest. I get it's often coming from a place of pain or anger but I don't really buy it.