AIBU to wonder why many posters find it harder to make friends than find a life partner?

No one

Interesting stats!

Back in the day, when I were a child, we were encouraged to visit 'old people' who lived by themselves and couldn't really get out and about and who might be lonely. (The older me wonders how on earth a bratty child such as myself could bring joy to the life of an 'old person' or relieve loneliness- but let's put that to one side for a moment).

Whereas now social isolation seems to be regarded as unremarkable - other than when occasionally someone has died and the body goes undiscovered until neighbours etc complaint about the smell. And there's some hand ringing about social isolation.

Pandemic and lockdown was interesting in that some people loved the 'stay at home' edict as being the perfect excuse for avoiding social interaction

Bu

I mean it's pretty easy to shag someone, end up pregnant and settle with and coast along with the dad as he's "alright", friendships take more effort than that.

Yep- seen loads of threads about this.

Also, lots of posts about how they are so "kind and nice" yet everyone else is a bitch and they cant understand why people dont include them and the "bitches" are so popular.
🤣

How many people are saying they hate everyone but they want friends? That is definitely weird!

There are also a lot of threads about people upset because they have been left out of some meet up or they don’t get included in things. Nobody likes to say but it’s guaranteed to be a ‘them’ problem. But posters say ‘ooh they are jealous’ or some similar bollocks.

It is more likely that they pushed their way in from the outer circle and now people want to dump them.

For some, yes.

People don’t understand that you can’t just introduce yourself to some randomer and off you go. People who want friends and don’t have them generally lack social skills, more than those who aren’t bothered.

I couldn't give a toss if someone chooses not to have friends - thats entirely their choice, but I have seen lots of posts from people complaining that they are lonely, have no friends, noone ever wants to meet up with them whilst simultaneously expressing hatred for other human beings.

Cant have it both ways and those two things I suspect are linked.

I have been depressed for a very long time and don't have it in me to fake entusiasm for meeting new friends. I have a couple of friends who accept that I'm not to count on for fun stuff most of the time because I'm simply too tired. They can count on me when they have a problem though- I would do anything to help.

I think there are many out there who are barely holding up and do not have the energy to build up new relationships.

I agree completely! A bit like the MN scarf thing a few years back 😬

And it’s always the ones who claim to be able to read people who just impose themselves, despite the obvious signs they aren’t welcome 🤣

Maybe everyone should wear a badge with " Talk to me" or " Never talk to me" ? I have often thought this would simplify matters. 😁

And that is fine. Just to clarify it isn’t that I definitely can’t meet up, it’s just a lot of effort for a hideously expensive cup of coffee in a packed coffee shop, with little reward.

Who is being defensive? The armchair psychologists posting theories about what has messed up a person (apparently) because they don’t feel the need to surround themselves with people (about whom they then post on here because they have been left out or something) kind of amuse me.

It’s okay to want friends and it’s okay not to. All I would like is for the ones looking for friends not to try to engage the ones who want to be left alone!

There is no need for defensiveness, honestly. Of course some people don’t wish to, but that’s different to saying I hate all people. Which is whay was being discussed in my comment snd the quote/

I don’t even like dogs but I get why people would prefer them.

Why does it bother people if others aren’t keen on having friends? It’s weird.

It’s the ones like the thread the other week about someone who just walked up to people who were on their own and talked at them, despite clear signals that the person didn’t want to speak to them.

I think some people are just desperate to be liked.

I think that's pretty reductive, judging by the relationships forum on here full of 'Does he like me?' 'Is he even single?' , 'If he does like me, why hasn't he asked me out? Should I ask him out?' 'We had a great date, so why has he ghosted me/ignored me at work?' 'Why does he still have a profile on Tinder?' 'Should I have sex on the third/fifth/seventeenth date?' 'Are we exclusive?' , 'Is it too soon to ask if we're exclusive?' 'Is it too soon to talk about the future?' 'When should I have met his friends/family/children?' 'When is a normal time line to move in together?' 'I want to have children by the time I'm 38 but is it too soon to bring it up?' 'Why hasn't he proposed after five years/ten years and two children?' 'We've been engaged for twelve years but I think he only did it to stop me asking what now?'

The stages aren't that definable, and the stakes, if you're pooling finances and/or having children together, are really high.

Unlike friendships, where you're highly unlikely to be cohabiting/marrying/having children together/pooling finances, and where there's no expectation you have to choose one friend only and stick them them. No need to think about having sex with them and the vulnerability of that. No need to think about STD checks and contraception. No need to divorce them if it doesn't work. No need for anyone else to know you don't have lots of other friends. If you encounter someone you like, and ask them for coffee, the stakes are pretty low.

I wonder why people feel able to confidently ascribe motives to others? I find it strange. Of course there are some people that can’t make friends for those reasons. But there are also people who choose not to.

And perhaps people who are desperate to make friends are just incredibly needy and they should learn to rely on themselves more. Particularly the ones who accost strangers in the hope that they can have a conversation which will lead to them being BFF.

Weirdly since I was diagnosed with AuDHD I have found people respond to me more positively but it’s just too much effort.

Oh that's familiar. I read that post. That's different from not being able to make friends. I thought she was overreacting to some quite normal behaviour...... but we have to remember that we haven't witnessed any of their interactions and therefore can't judge.

Absolutely people have said exactly that on here.

And that's not even considering the people who proclaim that they loathe all people but only love their dogs (usually, though sometimes cats) with a passion. The 'Four Legs Good, Two Legs Bad' brigade.

My DP (40s) is just not interested in friends. I dont get it. He is very popular, other men are always asking him to do things but he just doesnt want to. This is regardless of whether he has a partner or not. He doesnt drink, so he says hes not interested in pub culture. The only thing he wants to do outside of work (without me) is go mountain biking - and hes quite serious about that and goes for hours. He doesnt like going with others. He tried it once and they just held him back. I like to do things with others. Makes me feel alive.

I agree with you though OP. Sometimes I wonder how some people ever got partnered up because they are so quiet and shy. Like how on earth did it happen?

Personally, I used to have friends in my teens, 20s and 30s, not hundreds but some. But I was very overwhelmed by motherhood (undiagnosed ADHD and health issues) and lost touch with a lot after my first child was born. I then lost touch with other friends after a house move and I now have 3 ND children, no job, no hobbies and I'm not sure where you even meet friends at this stage of life. I have some old friends I see a couple of times a year but none I see more often. So I think I would find it hard to meet a partner now too.

Me too.

Because the big D is still a draw? 🤷‍♂️ 🍆

I know this thread has moved on but I have also thought this too. Sometimes people are getting married with no one to invite and their husband-to-be has hundreds of friends so it's not as if they are marrying a similar person. And many others haven't a single friend and they sound lovely and someone I would definitely be friends with if our paths crossed. I think it's luck a lot of the time.