AIBU to wonder why many posters find it harder to make friends than find a life partner?

Its an interesting question and I would agree with OP that you would think it would be easier to make friends.

From my (male) perspective, I think women treat one another horribly and I think this is perhaps something to do with why friends can actually be tricky.

My jaw frequently drops reading about how women treat each other one here.

There was a hen night thread recently where the accommodation fell through and people were out of pocket. Instead of coming to some adult resolution together, about reimbursing people or whatever, the last I heard was that the bride and MOH had secretly bought the silence of one guest with a partial refund, but the other guests were to get nothing and were to be kept in the dark over this secret payment.

Apparently the bride didn't want any ill feeling before the wedding and seemingly the best way she thought this could be ensured was by screwing over her friends who had given time and money to come to her hen night.

Just absolutely jaw dropping stuff. I can well imagine men being angry over losing money in an accommodation mix up, but they would "have it out" and then forget it by the time the first round of drinks arrived.

Men can sometimes 'lose touch' with friends, but very rarely fall out. If they don't like each other, they simply don't take anything to do with one another. In contrast, women seem to delight in being 'faux friends' with people they don't like, purely so they can make each others life a misery. Go figure. You often see threads where women wake up one morning to discover their friendship group is suddenly treating them like a pariah, for no apparent reason. I mean, WTF?

As to why this is? Feminism has tried to mould modern women to be extremely self centred. The idea of putting others first, or even considering them at all, just doesn't seem to figure, many women seem to just think of themselves and only themselves. In contrast, women were traditionally seen as considerate and selfless. This change is surely connected with the friends issue. (Of course you get selfish men too, but it seems this mostly affects their partners rather than their friends).

Well it’s not coming from a place of pain and anger.

’I hate people’ doesn’t tend to include all people. Just the majority of those they have come across.

And if you think that talking on a chat site is the same as dealing with people in person then you are missing the point.

With the internet, it’s easy to stop the communication. When people talk to you face to face it’s harder to get extract yourself.

Obviously people don't get annoyed by themselves the way they do by others, they aren't wary of themselves, or vulnerable to themselves, or infuriating to themselves, etc

Sadly there are people who are precisely consumed by the self loathing and vulnerability you describe 😔

But none of that explains why someone would claim to hate people.

It's just a really sad state of mind to me - there are so many wonderful people out there, it seems such a shame to label them all as bad or cruel or nasty or something best avoided.

I don't

Oh that's familiar. I read that post. That's different from not being able to make friends. I thought she was overreacting to some quite normal behaviour...... but we have to remember that we haven't witnessed any of their interactions and therefore can't judge.

I disagree. We met through work. An otherwise toxic environment where you didnt really want an acquaintance let alone a friend. I didn't put myself out there. I wasn't looking. It just happened.

It's nothing to do with people who 'aren't bothered about having friends'. If they weren't bothered, they wouldn't be all over Mn proclaiming how much they hate people and how dreadful everyone is. They've fairly obviously been hurt into that position by something, and are in denial about it.

I'm good at making and keeping friends, but am not in the least bothered about whether people in general like me. I don't think friendship has anything to do with being generally liked -- most people will be indifferent to you, a few will dislike you and a few will be drawn to you and, of those few, you will be drawn to even fewer. It will only ever be a minority of people who are drawn to you to whom you are also drawn.

That's what a lot of the lonely people on Mn get wrong. Friendship is a specific thing involving individuals, not something to do with a generalised 'niceness'.

I disagree. We met through work. An otherwise toxic environment where you didnt really want an acquaintance let alone a friend. I didn't put myself out there. I wasn't looking. It just happened.

Maybe everyone should wear a badge with " Talk to me" or " Never talk to me" ? I have often thought this would simplify matters. 😁

But if you can put yourself out there to find a partner either whom you’re genuinely happy, you can do it to find friends. It’s the same skill set.

I have struggled to maintain friendships. I've always been an outsider. I'm not different to others I just need to feel totally comfortable before I allow others in. It led to me having a relationship of convenience where I ended up marrying and having my children because I thought no one else would have me. It made me miserable. Still no friends and a relationship that I was only in because I thought it could be worse. I left. Then my current partner came along. He's absolutely fantastic. I can't believe how lucky I am to have finally found my person at 40! I have the best partner, my children are wonderful but you know what, I still only have acquaintances and not friends. I don't care though. My important people are around me within my home and extended family. I've finally found me! I'd rather be here right now than where I was 20yrs ago.

It's nothing to do with people who 'aren't bothered about having friends'. If they weren't bothered, they wouldn't be all over Mn proclaiming how much they hate people and how dreadful everyone is. They've fairly obviously been hurt into that position by something, and are in denial about it.

I'm good at making and keeping friends, but am not in the least bothered about whether people in general like me. I don't think friendship has anything to do with being generally liked -- most people will be indifferent to you, a few will dislike you and a few will be drawn to you and, of those few, you will be drawn to even fewer. It will only ever be a minority of people who are drawn to you to whom you are also drawn.

That's what a lot of the lonely people on Mn get wrong. Friendship is a specific thing involving individuals, not something to do with a generalised 'niceness'.

I mean, this is a little silly. Obviously people don't get annoyed by themselves the way they do by others, they aren't wary of themselves, or vulnerable to themselves, or infuriating to themselves, etc.

But to give an analogy, I'd guess it's probably similar to the way you can't tickle yourself. Or the way hearing yourself chewing doesn't drive you crazy, but hearing other people do it can.

In that case are you an Academic? I can't fathom your level of interest.

Maybe I am ND: I've never been diagnosed (and I'm not going to get around to it now so we'll probably never know) but it's perfectly possible. I don't think intense focus is necessarily only the preserve of the neurodiverse, though.

I also don't agree, as stated multiple times, that making friends and romantic success are completely different processes. There are differences, but at heart, both are built on intimate relationships and I still think if you can build one you can build the other.

I agree.

I don’t even like dogs but I get why people would prefer them.

Why does it bother people if others aren’t keen on having friends? It’s weird.

It’s the ones like the thread the other week about someone who just walked up to people who were on their own and talked at them, despite clear signals that the person didn’t want to speak to them.

I think some people are just desperate to be liked.

I came back ( sorry!). No idea what the deleted post was.
But now the thread seems to be: well I would rather have no friends at all, than a bunch of awful friends I don't like. I enjoy my own compant.
But surely there must be something in between? Social media tends to be extremes.
I say this as a 54 yr old empty nester married for 29 years, so I have more time for friends than most. I don't want a huge circle, but I want a few more. Unfortunately DH is a recluse.

One thing I have noticed is that it often seems taboo to talk about wanting to make friends. No one would bat an eyelid if I got divorced and wanted a new man, but wanting to make new friends is somehow cringe. Why?