AIBU to wonder why many posters find it harder to make friends than find a life partner?

They’re not elderly people only. If someone talks to me, I’ll respond, old or young. I am not ND. I don’t get uncomfortable unless the person is making me uncomfortable.
I am not worried about missing a part of my podcast.
As a society we are insulated far more than when I was a child. I dread to think how society will be if I’m lucky enough to be elderly.
If anything we need more human connection and community spirit. As a species we’ve always been in large packs, now many of us are isolated.

So be more direct. ‘It’s ten past nine. Yes, nice weather. Excuse me, I’m reading/listening to a podcast and don’t want to talk.’ It’s not a big deal.

Responding to a lonely old person is different from initiating conversations though.

My mother always talked to random strangers, especially the elderly. She’d say we might be the only people who they’ll talk to today. It stuck with me.
I always have a few minutes to chat to a stranger who is just talking about the weather, if they get strange then I’ll move on but I don’t assume they’d are annoying or strange.

That’s a good point.

I don’t understand how people can argue with their partner and then make up and forgive each other. It’s part of my ND I think. Firsf argument is when we split permanently.

I agree. Nobody who wasn’t a friend would say I was a kind person as far as other people were concerned. Quite the opposite.

However I would walk over hot coals for someone I care about.

I believe that some people have lower standards
for a lover over a friend. They give them more rope, similarly with family. We have had disagreements over the years, issues that you would never speak to a friend again for saying hurtful things, etc, with family, it is easier to get over. My oldest sister is lovely, my youngest is very rude, if she was a friend. I’d dump her, she gets back in because of the close relationship. It’s deeper than a friendship.
I had a fall out with a friend last year it wasn’t huge, it was over the children (our teenagers). Both have extra needs, it was stupid, we haven’t talked since then and I have no interest in making up. We just moved on from each other,

Someone trying to start a conversation (as opposed to just asking a question like is this the right bus for X’) with someone with headphones on/scrolling/looking out the window etc is showing they don’t see polite signs that someone wants to be left alone.

See also tactile people who touch strangers (often IME the same people as above) I used to cringe silently and try to move away as I loathe being touched by anyone, including family and friends. Now I just say ‘don’t touch me’ fairly loudly and clearly.

Exceptions made for old people because I’m not an utter cunt

Sadly quite a few women I know went for the first man who expressed any interest in having children. Women tend to think they are flexible thinkers and can "work around" issues men have about levels of cleanliness in the home, how to discipline kids and how to manage money. Really when things actually happen and they realise they have married someone who is far stricter/laissez-faire about the housework/kids/snacking it is too late. Women expect more of other women because we have been conditioned into being the flexible ones who can hold it all together and weather the storm. If a woman saw other women as they do men, they'd not have such high expectations of them.

I have to say I have moved around a lot- making a few friends everywhere I go, that is why my friendship muscle is well developed-and I have never had drama.
Except once with a friend who was mentally ill.
Some of my friendships have fizzled out, but with no drama, just because of distance or because they became submerged in caring duties.

Friendships can equal drama ...it puts me off. I did have an abusive friendship thoigh.

But it’s perfectly possibly to be civil and make it clear you’re not up for conversation.

That's what a lot of the lonely people on Mn get wrong. Friendship is a specific thing involving individuals, not something to do with a generalised 'niceness'.

Yes! I’ve seen multiple posts expressing disbelief and even anger when someone insists they’re “nice” and then can’t understand why people don’t want to be friends with them.

Lots of people I know are perfectly “nice”, and I still wouldn’t want to be friends with them. Not because there’s anything wrong with them, but because we’re simply not compatible. We don’t have the same interests, I don’t particularly enjoy the way they relate to people, and our personalities just don’t mesh in the way I want them to in a friendship.

There seems to be a strange sense of entitlement around friendship, where some people believe others are somehow obliged to be their friend simply because they’re “nice”. And I don’t think we apply quite the same logic to dating.

Most people understand that if you want to date someone and form a romantic relationship with them, being generically “nice” isn’t enough. You need chemistry, compatibility, shared interests, attraction and a personality that works for the other person.

Friendship isn’t really any different. Being a kind person is a good quality, but it doesn’t mean everyone is going to want you in their life as a friend.

Interesting how chatting to people at the school gates or not chatting to people at the school gates could both be seen as selfish by different sets of people.
This is more complicated than I thought.

A thoughtful post.
I particularly agree that different qualities are needed in relationships with friends and partners.

Actually I think they should designate areas on trains for people who want to chat with strangers!

People do that a lot. After reading another thread on here I realised that it often comes from an inherently selfish place. That has made it much easier not to be drawn in to a conversation for the sake of politeness.

Friendship benches for adults? Never seen that. I don't want that, thanks!
I don't approach strangers with headphones or reading, that would be weird. Does that usually happen?

But I did chat to people at the school gates- just hello goodbye chat- and welcome anyone new who joins office/book club/any group activity- again, just hello, my name is X, what's yours chat. Judging by the new crop of posts that have sprung up over night on MN, I think many people want that rather than be ignored.

Oh, of course. As I've said, I'm not a person who's interested in friends, and I'm happiest with my own company too, so I can understand that.

But expressing hatred towards people, having suffered abuse, generally indicates a level of (justified) embitterment, imo.

Some people aren’t ’embittered’. They just don’t want to know. Not everyone is needy. Some can function with and without friends quite happily. It’s more about personality than being bitter.

I am an only child so was used to playing and spending time on my own so that, coupled with my AuDHD has meant I am happy in my own company for the majority of the time.

Same with dogs. I don’t have a dog because I don’t really like most of them. I have never had a negative experience with one.

I wish the extroverts would understand that invading the spaces of others because they want to chat and being unable to read the signs that people don’t want to engage isn’t being ‘extroverted’, it’s being selfish.

Technology allows us to wear headphones, looking at our phones and yet still they come along, convinced that everyone on their own is just waiting to have an inane conversation with a random person 🤣

And actually tech has allowed people to have friendships even if they are too busy or shy to meet up

Do friendship benches exist outside of schools then? I didn’t know.

Is this a joke post? The highest number of violent attacks are committed by men against other men. Clean out your own house before you start advising other people on how to clean out theirs.

I agree, I found it easy to make friends at the school gate (of different schools) and didn’t encounter any of the issues you refer to - but also have prioritised and maintained long standing friendships.

I’m happy though when there are examples of relationships on here (just wish there were more!) which are really positive and evenly balanced, role modelling gender equality to their DC, as well as supporting each other’s hobbies and friendships.

The insular focus on just your partner I think has got worse. It really isolates and disadvantages women IMO, it depresses me. So many examples on here where the rug is pulled and there is no financial independence, no support network, sometimes not even a good friend to talk to IRL.

YANBU for asking. I struggle to make friends. Between 2021 and 2026 I've lived in three totally different areas of the UK. I left all my friends when I moved away. We are still in contact, but I don't get to see them much.

DH and I first moved to a smalls semi rural town in the Southwest. It was genuinely cliquey. Everybody was related to each other by blood or by marriage, and as someone non-white, it was like traveling back in time in some ways. I did make a couple of "friends" while I was there, and we met up quite a lot. The quotation marks are because they stopped responding to messages as soon as I moved.

We now live in the midlands. I do attend women's social meet ups, and I'm in a local women's group chat and have chatted to a few people. But nothing has stuck (yet). I took a break for a while because my confidence dipped when i realised it's been two years and I don't have any local friends.

My DD is a teen now, and one big thing I've noticed is that lots of parents don't have any interest making friends with other mums/dads if their children aren't similar ages, which I'm sure contributes in some way. Whereas I'm happy to make friends for myself x