AIBU to wonder why many posters find it harder to make friends than find a life partner?

No sadly you can’t prevent them. But if they choose to ignore the clear signs that I don’t want to engage (short of actually having a sign saying ‘leave me the fuck alone’), then I can choose to walk away and/or tell them clearly.

If someone isn’t polite to me (which the approach isn’t) then I don’t owe them politeness back.

Body language. Seriously, how do people not know that. If someone is clearly not interested, isn’t looking at you, has headphones in, is scrolling their phone/reading their book then leave them alone.

If you insist on speaking to them anyway, despite them indicating they aren’t interested it’s a sign that you don’t care about making someone annoyed or awkward because your need to reach out is more important. Hence why I am moving away from sitting there and politely indulging them.

But you can’t control other people’s behaviour, only your own. You can’t magically prevent someone from approaching you, even if you’re (to your own mind) making it very clear that you’re not interested in a chat. All you can do is respond if they do approach and make it clear you aren’t engaging.

I mean, I don’t disagree with you that someone looking for a chat should check for indications that it’s welcome first, but in the same way that I think people shouldn’t drop litter or let doors slam in the faces of people behind them, but can’t actually prevent them doing those things in the first place.

You would be surprised, it makes life much clearer. Being ND can be shit but it can also be good, I don’t have to spend my life arguing with someone, ‘forgiving’ them/being ‘forgiven’, arguing about something else etc etc.

I can concentrate on people that deserve my trust and love.

Number of ‘romantic’ drama in the last 25 years - nil

Number of friendship drama and dilemmas in the last 40 years - nil

Of course you can win. Be aware of others’ reactions to you (beyond what they say) and only speak to people that are open to it.

Im ND and I know this!

Why the recipient of the attention is responsible for rejecting it instead of the giver of the attention being responsible for making sure it is welcome, I don’t know.

I think those who do it despite someone having headphones, looking away etc are either unable to see the situation or don’t care that they are unwelcome

But it should be on the person who wants to talk to establish whether they are welcome. Not the person who they are making uncomfortable or annoyed.

One thread on here was a woman who was going up to people and talking and even when they were polite back but politely went back to their phones or whatever she insisted on pushing things further and sat down at their table etc.

There comes a point where it is acceptable to walk alway or state clearly that you don’t want to talk. But most people are polite and will go along with it.

Why can’t the talkers show sufficient manners themselves? Why do they want to risk making people annoyed or uncomfortable? What do they gain? Perhaps it’s so they can come on MN and post about how people are so self absorbed these days.

I don't know how to say this nicely, but as pp said, you seem very black and white in this regard.

Firstly look at the threads when a friend wants to bring along someone they've met. I don't think that you'd find the posts on men's forums that you do on here. Older women who haven't already got a friendship group are viewed with suspicion. Women expect emotional intimacy from each other, ND women struggle with that. We can say something slightly inappropriate, read the thread about, one comment, that there's no going back from. We can be more blunt and don't do the 'hun' etc thing. Sometimes forget to say hello once etc. If you then add in (in my case) white but I'm mixed heritage, you have to be prepared to forgive a lot of unconscious bias. Men can go into a pub and find a friendship group, to at least meet up with. In my case my financial situation, doesn't match my educational/work background, because I was a carer, which adds in another layer. Read the threads about weight. A man wouldn't look at another man's weight and think they'll have nothing in common, people declare that on here. We aren't kind to each other. I will go wherever I'm invited. I wish that I was getting the invites to turn down, but being retired has put a stop to that side. I met my partner because we were both looking for that. My husband when young and dated when I had a friendship group. We are now in different parts of the country, some went down the drugs path, some are carers etc.

Not complicated - if you are someone who likes to chat then you have a responsibility to be able to read people’s signals (and be truly self aware of your own skills in that direction).

That way you have positive interactions between like minded people.

If in doubt, leave people alone.

But you could invoke pretty much exactly the same sensitivity issues in dating and looking for a relationship. Go on a dating app and no one ever swipes right on you? Or they do, and you discover it was for a ‘Who can have a date with the ugliest woman?’dare. Or you’re stood up repeatedly. Or you get excited about a date where you felt a genuine spark and he never contacts you again, or turns out to be married. Or you go on lots of first dates but no one ever wants a second. Or you’re excited and happy for a few weeks until you sleep together and he dumps you the moment you put your underwear back on.

None of that is pleasant, and for a more than usually sensitive person it’s agonising. Arguably far more agonising than being cold-shouldered at the school gate.

You are spot on about these groups dissolving the minute the children get older. It’s a definite thing, the queen bee at the school gate. My kids are older now so I can laugh at the current queen bee in my youngest daughter’s year. It’s like watching a nature programme sometimes the way she is manoeuvring around.

I love meeting new people and love having chats with strangers, but as above it’s the deep and meaningful relationships that get to me. I find them hard and unbalanced.

Well, or she was raped, surely?

I find it very easy to make friends, I have loads of them . The relationship thing though is very difficult for me 😂

Maybe I’m more of a surface level conversation type person 😀 just not deep x

I've read many of the posts on this interesting thread, but not all.
So far, I haven't seen the issue of sensitivity addressed.
One difference between romantic relationships/partnerships is sensitivity.
In a romantic relationship/partnership, you know you've been chosen/accepted and usually have confidence in the situation.
I think a lot of the school gate difficulties arise over issues of sensitivity.
If you're naturally lacking in confidence and prone to feelings of rejection, then inevitably you will be overwhelmed by deliberate unfriendliness/exclusion.
Unless something has drastically changed since my children were small the cliques etc. at the school gate are very real. They were usually composed of a group of mothers who had been there since the beginning - mother and toddler group, playgroup etc.. Yes, they they were hostile and discussed/excluded newcomers. They were basically about maintaining the upper hand.
If you're full of confidence you can deal with it. If you're looking for moves to include you, you're going to be disappointed and be hurt by the unkindness.
If you had a boy, it was all about whether your son was good at football.
What amazed me (as someone who failed to make the grade) wast hat these apparently close friendships which had exitsed since mother and baby group dissolved instantly once the kids went on to different secondary schools.

One of the nice things about getting older is that these situations don't exist. I seem to automatically find myself 'mates' with someone of my age. We understand each other's desire to have a nice sit-down and pleasant chat!

Good for you if you find making friends so easy.

Where did she meet him?

I used to be a support worker. Worked with a highly anxious young woman, couldn’t leave the house, no friends etc… then one day pregnant. So she managed to find a guy and get frisky but couldn’t make a friend.

Well, as you say yourself, that is your ND limiting you by rigid, black and white thinking. It must make life much more difficult.

I love the way that men going out and continuing hobbies and women staying in and focusing on children is seen as the men having correct priorities and the women being short sighted fools, rather than the men being selfish assholes and the women left literally holding the baby, as is so often the case.

Yes I am and I have.

If it gets into an argument instead of just being a discussion, then there is no coming back from that.

I'm one of those people. I have a few really good friends but just starting random interactions with someone is mostly beyond me, I freeze and don't know what to say, or I will say the wrong thing. As I say, I have a few friends, sometimes I meet someone and we just click and I feel comfortable with them, my DH was one of them. My biggest struggle in interactions is small talk, which there wasn't much of with my DH or the people I became close friends with. We jumped straight in with things that others may see as oversharing.

But what are you imagining this first argument to be about? Are you actually saying you’d end an otherwise happy relationship because of a disagreement about what year Kramer vs Kramer came out, or whether you locked the back door?