AIBU to wonder why many posters find it harder to make friends than find a life partner?

In my mind if you have got to the stage of going for a meal, they are friends.

An acquaintance is someone whose name you know and to whom you would nod in the street, and maybe say 'hi', or even chat for two minutes, but whom definitely don't know well enough to suggest meeting up with.

But if I went for a meal with someone and thought they were my friend, but found out (somehow) they only thought of me as an acquaintance, I would just die of embarrassment.

Fair enough, you don't find it resonates with you. But I do. And plenty of posters on this thread have said they find romantic relationships easier to navigate than platonic. So perhaps that's just differences in personality?

I struggle with social subtleties, and was badly ostracised and bullied growing up, so I don't have a lot of confidence around knowing whether a friend wants to see me, or whether I'm being a bore, or too intense, or too distant. I also find that when I get stressed I turn into a hermit - not great for maintaining a friendship, but not something that affects my romantic relationship.

Anyway, perhaps you just need to accept that while some people don't mind a lack of definition and clarity, other people require that to thrive in relationships.

Also, as Vimes said up-thread - he doesn't need to edit himself with his DP, but does with everyone else, and that's something I feel too. I'm just me with DH, but with everyone else in the world I'm being a curated, limited, self-conscious version of me. Trying to navigate friendships holds little appeal, compared to that freedom and total acceptance.

Agree. The " cliques' are just friends who have bothered to put in effort.
Misogynist term.
A lot of closeted misogyny on this thread.

I really do think that many of the vile cliquey school mums posters are either ND or living out their view of life under an immature emotional filter where they are always the victim of others

They simply cannot understand that people choose their own friends and have this raging entitlement and have to make a perfectly normal mum going for a walk or seeing her mates all about them

There was a bonkers thread on here where a mum ran across the playground/ school field to join her friends and the poster who had met this person once 2 years previously raged that she was vile, ignoring her etc
Batshit

I suppose it is similar to the boob memes.

There have been times where we’ve not been able to be physically intimate, it’s not been a problem as it’s sex isn’t always about the physical.

As always @Thepeopleversuswork speaks for me!

That seems like a rather cold reason to have friends - as insurance in case your entire family dies or leaves you. But I imagine I'd be quite happy alone. Or perhaps I'd join a knitting group and try to make some friends.

I have friends. I force myself to, but I do find it hard work.

DP is the one person who gets the real version of me. Everyone else gets an edited version. And I find being that edited version hard work.

I'm not an interesting man. A lot of my interests bore other people to tears. My sense of humour can be quite odd. I'm crap at small talk and general chit chat, so I'm quite quiet and need drawing out of my shell.

Most people, if they get the full unvarnished me, end up drifting away. They get a bored look in their eyes, start to glaze over. Even my best friends get a slight edit, and they're nearly as weird as me. DD gets one as well.

DP, and one previous girlfriend are the only ones who don't. The more of me I revealed, the more DP got drawn in, and the easier it became to be in her company.

Being in a room with people is effort. That effort varies based on the person, how much I have to edit myself in their company.

Being in a room with DP is always effortless.

As I said, I have friends, I get on with my colleagues. People like me. That's because I'm willing to put in the effort, I think the end result is worth it.

I'd imagine there are people out there who either aren't capable of maintaining that edited version of them, or just don't see the point of it. So they have no friends. They've still managed to find that person who's effortless though.

Boobs still fix everything.

Yes. There's so many who have nothing outside the marriage in terms of social support etc and are blindsided when it turns out not to be what they thought.

But it's true. Boob did fix everything 🤣 I miss those days! It was so much easier 🙈

I don't think there's an answer. People have different things go on in their life's. Things change People can be complicated. Life isn't always logic.

I have had relationships but I find them extremely hard i pressured myself into relationships because that's whats expected especially if you want children. I have never had a long term stable relationship.

I don't have any friends the thought of it scares me.

Interesting comment! I guess there's also an element of being invested in a romantic relationship - possessions, children, finances - making it more challenging to disentangle than a friendship without these complicating factors. Meaning standards drop with existing partners and you tolegate behaviour in a way you wouldn't with friends

Sex is a panacea for husbands, in my limited experience, and a very fun one at that! I've no idea why that poster would find it alarming, and I'm also curious.

Totally agree.

I think also some women when they get married, really think that they are sorted, and put the feet up a bit with making an effort or wearing a mask as it’s a signed contract, there is a definite smugness, and it’s not really that great of an achievement anymore.

Then they end up doing lots of drudgery jobs, so are happy with a boring and sexless marriage, with little time for friends, and then are genuinely shocked when their husbands have an affair.

Maybe he just wants a chat, a hug or a rest sometimes?! 😂 Surely there’s other ways to show your husband that you care. If sex became difficult for some reason would everything just crumble?

This reminded me of those breastfeeding memes - baby is tired? Boob. Baby is overstimulated? Boob. Baby is fussy? Boob.

Why?

I'm single and planning on staying that way now. But when I was looking for a partner/with a partner, the fact is it was a worthwhile investment (at the time at least). I'm nearly 60 and a lot of friends have come and gone for various reasons. But partners are the ones who are there when you go home at night. They share the load of life (or they should!). You're intimate with them. Friends can only fulfil your needs, and you theirs, to a certain extent.

I've been invested enough with a partner to overlook certain things, that maybe I shouldn't have done, but I did it to try and make it work. I don't expect my friends to be "work". Because the pay off from each is different. If a friendship becomes too much work then yes I bail, because I don't need the hassle. Also, why I've now written off romantic relationships!

I have plenty of what I would call acquaintances. To meet for a meal, drink whatever. But really no proper friends. No one that really shares my interests, or that I would go to if I needed help. I don't want friends for the sake of it, same as I don't want a partner for the sake of it. I will be friendly towards people but if they're not on my wavelength, I'm not looking for it to really go further than that. I would rather be alone doing things I enjoy, than spending time with people not having fun.

I struggle to make friends, I'm socially awkward and scared of rejection. I met my DH whilst still at school, and he's been in my life since I was 17. I have a few friends but whilst for them I'm one of many friends, to me they are the my only friends. I've tried to make new friends over the years but never achieved any new ones since University. It's okay I work four days a week, have two children, a DH and an adorable dog, and my days are filled. I've made peace with not having many friends.

I had also wondered if there might be an element of online forums attracting more people who are socially maladjusted (sorry, not quite the right way of phrasing) or introvert tend to or online more due to lack of real life interactions (and so over represented on forums). This isn't a comment specifically on Mumsnet but online life generally

To be fair, DH has plenty of friends but does sometimes sit in a bar or pub alone. He even goes to the odd gig alone too (quite niche taste in music).

The "rules" around developing a romantic relationship are somewhat clearer - there's an accepted progression and to an extent we are driven by a subconscious desire to procreate. Friendships are much more fluid/varied in their intensity and hard to define. A romantic partnership is also typically a 1-1 interaction/ exclusive/ primary relationship where you don't have to navigate the dynamics of a wider group/ that person's other relationships and priorities.

This really strikes a chord with me. I think that's a big factor. Friendships are so much more ambiguous and complicated.

It’s almost like people aren’t all the same 🤔